Poke a Communist Day

The writer of this article is a Red Stater, and has a wacky Neoconservative outlook.

They may be a Christian or, worse, be from The South. For information on the best way to save our great nation from scum like this read the The Nation. (Pstt. Watch out! This right-wing nutjob is probably packin heat; quick - tell Rosie O'Donnell!)

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International Poke a Communist Day (IPACD)

On the 7th of March every year, beneath the noses of many of our readers, a secret underground revolution is taking place. Invented in the early 1980's, International Poke a Communist Day has become a worldwide underground phenomenon, culminating in the fall of the Berlin wall, the creation of Sun Microsystems, and the Suing of Alinghi by BMW Oracle. But what exactly is it, some may ask. Well, thankfully, you need never ask again. I present to you, a full history of Poke a Communist day, how you can celebrate it, local communist hotspots and so on. This will be supplemented with Not Quite Legal Preteenage pictures showing their first time to go fully nude pictures, annotated diagrams, and lots more besides.

How Did It All Begin?

Blame it on Canada

We know those crazy canucks are somehow connected to this.

One summer afternoon (Thursday the 7th of March, 1983 to be exact) two friends were traveling along a yellow brick road, when they happened upon a defenseless party of Italians. Being communists, and therefore the proud owners of below average intelligence levels, the two friends decided that this would be the perfect opportunity to poke those Mao sucking yellow bellied Marxists in the ribs. Due to lack of intelligence the communists were unable to retaliate, and so was born the concept of Poke a Communist Day. Promoted by the Reagan, Bush and Clinton administrations, International Poke Communist Day gained notoriety when, on 7th March, 1992, the Founding of the Council of the Baltic Sea States was completed, allowing former socialist republics to lose the shackles of socialism, and spent their assigned 3/45 hour rest periods poking their communist Russian neighbours.

Notable Events

The National Anti-Communist Party of the People’s Republic Of Bratislava is the internationally acclaimed organizer of Poke a Communist Day. They are responsible for organizing mass events every year on the 7th of March. Some of their most valuable achievements are listed below:

• The sinking of The Titanic
• Invention of the Periodic table
• Formalization of the Iranian nuclear calendar
• Fall of the Berlin Wall

Our Great Lord, Baron Boris Johnson the 1st, Scion of Annoyance, Rooter of Rednuts, declared that these shall be the facts known to the Bretheren, and these facts ONLY!

Any attempt to change these items shall result in IMMEDIATE DOOM...and your mum blowing up! Our Current Lord of the Poke Boris Johnson the 23rd and 1/2, has declared that any who dare to tempt his wrath, shall be beaten cruely with a big stick...with nails in it!

How To Prepare for the Poking of the Communists!

1. Huff a certain number (13.65 to the power of pi(3682.344348493892837251268454421015553533224069439040625820222948011853542177068341959820465042573824583451894576718051247727743655476389608948577777118652276125344806452327451563105085955403052423523530064929395200058458748126997364290542348507357892448859758567773633231569333395627555451799993631883935902848041032915473518031974032069327443527225645147589061066650345160794160317862808181155517012255108469306443083493165556690066145701058263561576219499260176682608750548159947095826451796885569294734910657939007782501176155644536311509093939029328585995303296235096228706631116158146625185053368052762942756842914975091552333041770514475764666670322269244308151859108667136203682293217761823940934884318510803774401098645151132343103936166051342750230306193523035244995376519951304059641906137650389952014730768774530741138566089787716489615944689497205876478563334303668287312293939745664553169364305149793577090169588140056361539058841039127740848528660829562397889790088133324665942429120431388595714217420978680601600936760918901136807215219326628561626374725356119508563055082467940731253412274203212899025206394567333357830255663917398544012816164219807956551768296315899907719386627568578285937287240972998638658054089025399242591734829620542048620572417693500164679665811557470067632198396095593653279734356965819976162609760635742458451474037813946348171787939555468854512977614527929993359651043809631040941411283383077991857364962104420804516865555297008027296541226630828677144388461579228754973867260586134482696324780679621134348552492704835618693841315684201866762841540346598494971715135860067384414087438813730100914046147359869297054911519403280893412233385944880831430521428512676748659066634931807668918028621193929705231077097494215094402210200262592038198716427814651619881330523226627399189076173412312351535462202309008722770...)) of kittens, and revel in the glory that thou receiveth from our Lord, Mr. Biggles!
2. Stretch the Finger of Poking, namely by having a bat (or equivalent).
3. Find a Suitable Victim. Note, Victim MUST BE A COMMUNIST!
4. Beginneth the POKE!!!!

But How Do I celebrate???

In the early days of IPACD, simply finding a lone communist and poking him with a finger was enough. However, in the late 90's, people began to realize that this was becoming boring, and as everyone knows, bored people become communists, and bored communists die. This led to the kitten huffing epidemic of 1994, and at this point it was realized that in order for IPACD to continue, something had to be done. Enter Ed Farrell, inventor of numerous useful items, among them the table leg, the little rubber bit on the end of chair legs, and freaky dog sex. He was hired by the National Anti-Communist Party of the People’s Republic Of Bratislava to come up with a series of activities that could be used indefinitely during every IPACD from 1995 to 3045.8. After months of mediation, he arrived at the conclusion that three things were needed:

1. The Running of The Communist
2. The cat toast device powered "Communist Poker"
3. A set of rules as to what defines a Communist

The Running of The Communist

Is a Borat-esque event held all over the world. each community finds themselves a communist, dresses them up with a large Marx/Stalin/Lenin head, and run them through the town. at this point, the local Kitten Huffing youth must take a break from this activity, and attempt to kill the communist using a combination of huffing equipment and/or small knives, knuckle dusters, flower pots etc. should they fail (unlikely) then the adult population is let loose, with pitchforks, shovels, hammers and Tanks. yes, thats right... TANKS... which just happen to PWN. yeah. told u so. Tanks, Mutha Fucka.

What Defines a Communist?

• Italians? Definitely.
• Chinese? why even bother asking
• Those dang Russians
• Asians in general? almost certainly. unless they're black.
• Eastern Europeans? Naturally, unless they are from Bratislava.
• People from East Germany between 1961 and 1989. It wasn't their choice, those dang Russians (see above) were forcing them.

But what links all of these people? it is a general sympathy towards communists. pockets of these vile creatures can be found all over the world. a communist is someone who does not feel that it is necessary to revel in the joys of kitten huffing, or the simple pleasures of masturbation, freaky dog sex and eating capitalist pie. they have implicit trust in their leaders, most of whom are fucking dodgy people who are only interested in getting a higher position on the world loser scale.

ANYONE who sympathises with these ideals is also a communist, and so therefore the wrath of anti communist Pokings must fall steadily and repetitively upon them. filthy cabbage eaters.

So How Can I Implement this in EVERYDAY LIFE?

IPACD occurs once a year. that means once every 365/6 days. that's a long time. especially if there are hundreds of thousands of communists around you constantly (if you live in china, say)so on those 364 rest days, what can you do to prepare yourself for the big day?

• "eat Babies" Oscar Wilde
• "I Agree" some random guy you've never heard of
• "Cake" Pokemon

these are just some of the ideas put forward by our inspired communications and human resources people. but Nathan Mundy, God of all things soft and Fluffy, has a different take on it:

"people need to understand that the 6th of march is not the only opportunity that we have to thwart the efforts of those evil stalinists"

By this it is believed that he meant that you should spend at least 10 months of the year planning your IPACD activities, two months training for them, and one day implementing them. the Communist Running Costume should be your main priority, as the Communist is required to withstand at least a few minutes of prolonged assault (to add to the enjoyment and festive spirit)