Artist
Artists (formerly known as freaks) have always lived on the outskirts of society begging for acceptance amongst the norms. Suicide rates are (understandably) high amongst these types and the moon is often their only companion. And the moon's a harsh mistress, It's hard to love her well... argghhh! did I just start going all gooey and arty then? Sort of like I was sprouting poetry? Oh my god! You're joking!...
Art has been known to drive people crazy, such as Vincent Van Gogh, who cut off his ear simply because he believed it more artistic than himself. Also, he delivered it to a girl as a present, which is just sick.
Artists of course, do not just paint. Many attempt to arrange noise in a fashion that inspires pleasure within the listener. This almost never works. All 'we' need is Britney, preferably drunk and without clothes (unless 'we' are chicks who prefer Brad). BUT... they simply refuse to accept that ultimate truth.
In the year 1995, artists were added to the endangered species list and are now protected by the WWF. By 2005 only one breeding pair of artists were known to be extant, and these were shot by a German trophy hunter the following year, so artists are now believed to be extinct... BUT WE STILL HAVE ADVERTISING instead of art. Ahhhh, the bliss!
Selected Quotes[edit | edit source]
Some famous artists are as follows.....
Morrissey - Famous Poet and Mong
“To be truly sensitive, one must look at the stars and see nothing but candles held by little invisible gods lighting the way for thyself.”
Bjork - Shrill Vocal Punisher
“Sometimes i see my songs as little feet you know. They are walking away. They never stay the same.”
Bukowski - Post office worker
“Sometimes you have to piss in the sink.”
Claude Monet - German Illusionist
“I grew a beard when i was 9. I didn't even want one but somehow it became me and eventually it began to paint.”
A Conversation[edit | edit source]
Nearly all conversations between Artists go something like this.
Artist 1 "Hey, i have something really important i need to show you." Artist 2 "Okay, i'll be over in around 10 minutes. I need to weep to this Harp solo." Artist 1 "Cool, bring a scented candle" Artist 2 "I will"
2 Hours later
Artist 2 "Sorry im late i was busy being misinterpreted by the bourgeoisie" Artist 1 "Not a problem, i feel ive made a major breakthrough in my work since i called you before" Artist 2 "You look different" Artist 1 "Thanks, ive excelled myself to untold levels" Artist 2 "Here's a scarf ive knitted you" Artist 1 "Have you ever read Master of the Nib, Servant of the Flow?" Artist 2 "Unfortunately not. Though, I do have a friend called Ethan Vapour, he paints in his sleep" Artist 1 "blah blah blah emotion" Artist 2 "blah blah blah blah blah unparalleled contours"
The End
Artist Joke[edit | edit source]
An artist goes to a family, he tells the family, "I need to rent a room, I can pay as much as you want. I cant get good sleep in my empty downtown studio, the streets are too noisy, I cant sleep, I've been unable to produce anything because of it." So the family says, "Yeah that sounds OK, we have plenty of room here." So the family sits down for dinner, they are very hospitable and allow the artist to eat. They are surprised that he plays with his food, "creativity" he says. So the family all goes to sleep and the artist goes and lays down and begins thinking of what he is going to create. Before he has anytime to dream he falls asleep. The next morning the family awakens in horror as their house has been completely ruined; floors are drenched in glue, the windows are painted black, all around a huge mess. The family ask the artist, "what happened to our home? You told us you were an artist, not an interior decorat-ruiner!" And the artist is in shock aswell, he then tells them, "I forgot to tell you I sleepwalk and thats when I do my art!"
There it is again, another fine example of an artist ruining people's perceptions!
Good Art and Bad Art[edit | edit source]
Many brilliant people have described, extremely accurately, what good art is.
“Good art has lots of swirly lines and makes you cry.”
“Good art has a face, an attractive face. Like Diana Ross. It's all cute and has swirly lines. ”
“I violently fuck good art.”
“Good art is swirly and turquoise.”
“The perspective of the piece was unique in my humble opinion. That is to say it was swirly.”
Performance Art and Shit Art[edit | edit source]
These were invented by the CIA and Stalin in post-war Germany to neutralise the followers of Adolph Hitler and the Penguins.
Shit Art has been enormously successful in the Western World and has taken over from all previous art forms because it requires absolutely no talent, just the ability to write or talk shit. The highest annual prize for Shit Art in England is called the "Turder Prize". The big conspiracy is that the Turder Prize is run by Penguins who are using it as a secret KILLER-RAY device to destroy people's memories. Or was that Sport? I can't remember...
Performance Art is a sub-set of Shit Art and is practiced by pseudo-artists who can't draw any better than a 3 year old. Performance Art can take the form of - lying down, sleeping, lying down AND sleeping (complex), eating dinner, looking at passers-by, having a shit, shouting at passers-by. Shouting should take the form of something vaguely "arty", such as-
- "Some retards say this is a subjective thing but it's well known that it's entirely objective. The idea that good art is 'down to personal opinion' was perpetuated by pre-shit artists such as Beethoven and Steven Hawking. They simply refused to accept their work was sub-standard. They were fucking cowards. If i could get them, I would, believe me. Hawking in his stupid wheelchair. OOoohh he'd scream if i could just locate him."
- "Oi! You! Yeh you! You lookin' at me, jimmy?!!"
The Future Artist[edit | edit source]
In the future, art will evolve with unlimited velocity. This will be called Futurism, as it will be invented in the past by well-known artist and comedian Benito Mussolini. In the future, Sport will take over the role of Art, plasma television screens will replace paintings on walls, people will stop looking at the world and will only watch Cricket or Baseball while evolving into Couch Tomatoes.
No-one will say "I know what I like" anymore, artists will eventually be rounded up and chained into labour camps called Burger Shops. All art of the previous 2000 years will be discarded. Computers will subtly influence the creative juices of any proto-artist who will then mutate into a nerd. All art works will then only be appreciated by microchips... These events are predicted to occur by the beginning of the 21st Century.
Impersonators[edit | edit source]
In the world of consumption, there are many impersonators who are dishing out all sorts of so called "art". These impostors are no more human than we are knowers of what good art is! This is why the shovelers of shit are able to make millions off our easily raped eyes. In the future we must be aware of several so called "artists":
American Idol Television programming Is this art? Do those people own those songs they are singing? Do they ever sound any different?
James Cameron hollywood programming
Does he really expect us to believe his movies? Why did he make a movie about a boat sinking? The answer is he likes to watch people die in intolerably cruel ways. This is not what art is about. Think about Hitler before he went cerazy. He was painting nice pictures of buildings and streets. No one liked his art so then he killed people. James Cameron has no reason to be killing people.
McDonalds city art
When you walk down the street in places in Italy, you are amazed by the architecture and glory of a man's ability to construct the world. When you walk down a city in California, USA you are reminded of what places you can eat at by the brilliantly placed art that has been thrown all over the cities streets and rivers; garbage advertising local food locations. Highly decorated drinking cups and multi colored bags are all a simple promise to the American people : We will always be a country made of art
Myspace/Facebook Artists self destructive art
These people come in many shapes and forms. Some say they are artists, but like shitty music so there's no way you'd check out their or their friend's art. Some say they have art but you cant see it because they arnt revealing their secrets to the world till their dead and their art's value is doubled. Others have photographs of their naked bodies and they arnt supposed to have them but they call it art and have to ruin our perceptions with their perverted uninspired abilities to create art. These people also like to share art through instant messaging communicating machines that used to be used for walkie talkie devices. Now people write creative poetry to eachother which is deleted when their inbox/outbox exceeeds 40 messages. Some art goers have reported going blind or needing glasses after watching hours and hours of art/movies on their mobile devices
Women- "trash art"
Women posing for magazine photographs. Not to be confused with the Old'n days when women who posed for cigarette advertisements or cigarette girls in general were considered "kool". Clothes or no clothes, the act of receiving money (and attention) for such a wasted attempt at "Art" is un called for and puts women in the lowest bracket of the impostors we must look out for. Women will think they can get a job because they dress in an artistic way , revealing parts of their so called "artistic" body. The news reports whole months dedicated to following one actresses' night's choice of dress. It's a waste of all that could be!