Other people
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“They're everywhere!.”
“There are other people around here that aren't me.”
“Why are we leaving? It's rude to the... the other people.”
Other people are people that are not you. They vary widely in age, race, gender and shoe size, and are generally considered to be either untrustworthy or irrelevent. 43% of them are rapists. Occasionally we are obligated to befriend or communicate with them, although this is usually to satisfy a self-motivated need for companionship in a bleak, Godless universe; or to mug them for their food and sneakers.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
In the majority of cases, other people were born to other people who are not your parents. Exceptions to this rule include brothers or sisters, although they are also considered to be other people in spite of your shared genetic heritage. Twins are also technically other people, although less so than most.
Following birth, they then attended school, rode their first bike, wrote angsty pubsescent poetry and opened a facebook account in order to cement their status as a real person.
Adulthood[edit | edit source]
The transition from chldhood to adulthood comes with a simple realisation.
"Nobody understands me."
Other people during childhood
"Wow, it's ot that not that didn't understand me- they just didn't give a shit!"
Other people during adulthood
Subsequently they then choose a career, probably at a desk taking to more other people over the phone while typing numbers into a computer. This is to earn enough tokens to allow them to sit inside a big cube (often called a House) watching a smaller, flashing cube (known as a television). Most of them find a suitable mate to share these cubes with and have children, who are also widely considered to be other people. This cycle will then repeat until death, with the occasional week in Spain to break the tedium.
Etiquette[edit | edit source]
Normal Etiquette when dealing with other people is to completely ignore them. They will either rape you, mug you, or regale you with the boring, innocuous details of their life (favourite bands, pictures of their children and so forth). However, there will be occasions were you are forced to interact with them, in which case the following guide should be adhered to at all times:
1. In The Workplace
Other Person 1: Did you get my memo about X?
You: Yes, thank you.
A simple enough exchange, with no further discourse required. However in most cases this will then be followed by the other person assaulting you with details of their weekend, their children, their plans for the following summer, their sexual history, their various illnesses and of course their secret pain. This will continue until you either politely explain that you have work to do, or forcefully tear open their neck with their own memo.
2. In The Bar/Club/Other Social Venue
Other Person 2: I'm really drunk! Let me breathe all over you and behave in an undignified, crude and overly friendly manner!
You: Must you?
The other person will then sit extraordinarily close to your face and recycle a tired set of slurred tabloid opinions, whinge that nobody understands people like 'us' (us meaning you and him) and probably declare that they love you. This will continue until you either leave the venue or stab them in the neck with their own glass.
3. Everywhere Else
Other Person 3: Me me me me me me me me me me! You? No! Me! Me me me me me me me!
You: So... you then?
This will continue until you either run away screaming or stab them in the neck with their own spleen.
Types of Other People[edit | edit source]
Men[edit | edit source]
Men are the other people who don't put paint on their faces or wear skirts, although exceptions to this rule may include Goths, Scots and Gays. They can usually be found doing manual labour somewhere, drinking beer or masturbating. They are considered dangerous due to their warlike tendencies and propensity for vulgar, animalistic behaviour.
Women[edit | edit source]
Women are the softer, less hideous other people who paint their faces and wear skirts, although exceptions to this rule may include Feminists, Goths and Lesbians (although these are often one and the same). They can usually be found in the kitchen, gossiping at a tupperware party or crying. They are considered dangerous due to their perceiveed lack of general intelligence, constant need to verbalise their hatred for their friends, and the strange neurological effects men experience when near a vagina.
Apes[edit | edit source]
Apes are not 'other people' but are considered dangerous due to their large arms and sharp teeth.
Fish[edit | edit source]
Fish are not other people. They are a type of fish.