Ocelot

An ocelot is a creature of the feline variety. It's that word that everyone knows but nobody can say what it is. This is because the ocelot has never before been seen by the naked human eye. You may now be wondering how we know about them if no human has ever seen one. Well, you see I have a friend called Jefferey. Jefferey is an alien. Jefferey has seen an ocelot before and he told me all about it.

Ocelots are extremely fast and do not like to be looked at, as they consider this to be rude. I don't blame them to be honest, if I had seven legs, I wouldn't like to be looked at either, and if somebody did look at me, I would probably kill them with my laser vision. If you see an ocelot you are most likely to be terminated in a brutal manner, such as being lasered, before you can tell anyone. This is likely the reason that nobody has ever seen one with the naked eye. Some scientists have been able to detect an ocelot at 100 paces with a special device made by combining a paedophile-detector and a tractor engine. Unfortunately, those scientists were then all murdered by the ocelot and their machine disappeared shortly afterwards under suspicious circumstances.

Name

See? Ocelots look completely different. No wait this is a jaguar.

The word 'ocelot' comes from from the Nahuatl word ōcēlōtl, which means jaguar. Whoever named the ocelot with a word that means jaguar must be really stupid. An ocelot looks nothing like a jaguar, aside from the spots, colour, fur, main body shape, and number of legs. Apart from that they're exactly the same.

Appearance

The ocelot has furry fur which has similar markings to that of a leopard. The ocelot has cute little rounded ears and bloody massive front paws. Ocelots have strange white spots on the back of their ears and two funny black lines on the side of their face. They have two eyes for balance and big tails for seeing, both of which are very cute and furry. Of course, nobody actually knows this because no one has ever seen an ocelot in person - I mean in ocelot. Except for my friend Jefferey, but he is an alien and therefore can't speak English. Attempts have been made to communicate with him in spider language to learn more about the mysterious ocelot but when attempts were made, everybody but him in the vicinity evaporated into a fine white smoke and were never heard from again. It is thought that this was because the spider language being used was offensive due to the chief linguist mixing up a book on common English phrases with a compendium of "your mom" jokes by mistake as a result of her being severely dyslexic and thus unable to read.

Some believe that this famous photo depicts an ocelot, but Jefferey says otherwise.

Behavior

The ocelot is nocturnal, and therefore probably a vampire. Ocelots mark their territory with urine, so when you walk into a bedroom that stinks of urine, think of this before you accuse the person of being a bed-wetter. Ocelots will fight fiercely for their territory, using anything they can get their hands on, such as knives and guns or even in one case a GAU-8 Avenger 30mm autocannon pilfered from an A-10 Warthog military aircraft when it was still in flight. If such weapons are not readily available then they can always fall back on their laser vision, although this leaves them physically drained, much like a bee when they use their own laser vision. 99% of ocelots have convictions for grievous bodily harm, though they often escape prison cells due to being able to phase through walls, and the other 1% probably just beat the system, so be careful upon approaching them. Once, a gaggle of ocelots were suspected of eating the Archbishop of Canterbury, although some say that they mistook him for a bubo owl.

Ocelots rarely eat, or that's what we think - we've never seen one before, but who knows, they might be slowly eating through the world's population of small children and dust. They probably eat dust as dust is extremely tasty and low in fat. But then, so is rice.

Although no clear photos of the ocelot may exist, numerous artist's interpretations have been made based on Jefferey's vivid accounts, such as the above.

Habitat

The ocelot lives under any bed, so long as it is occupied. The bed has to be occupied because ocelots, being nasty pieces of work, get their kicks from drawing mustaches on the faces of sleeping humans and in fact went the extra mile in one case with a young boy named Adolf, grafting a permanent moustache in an unusual shape on his face to make him look silly, unfortunately causing his renowned anger issues later in life due to extreme social embarrassment. The underneath of beds is a perfect place for the ocelot because they love dark, dusty places where they can masturbate without any interruption. Another reason ocelots love being under beds is because it gives them the perfect vantage point to watch people in the room as they undress.

When not under beds, the ocelot can usually be found clinging to the side of buildings with their sticky, sucker-like suckers. The ocelot that Jefferey found was clinging to the side of the Empire State Building with its awesome suckers. If I had suckers I would probably climb the Hotel Martinique in New York City, lose my balance in the middle, and then fall nine stories to my death. That would kick ass.

Sadly, the ocelot is becoming increasingly endangered, with only 25 left in the entire world. In fact, by the time you finish reading this article there will only be 24. Quick - stop reading! It's the only way to save them. Conservationists have all but given up hope on saving the ocelots. This is because the remaining 25 ocelots all live in different countries and are therefore unlikely to meet up and procreate. However, some evolutionary biologists posit that the ocelot may have the ability to reproduce by injecting its DNA into a viable feline host such as a tiger or fluffy blanket, much like a virus, creating many more copies of itself.

As pets

All pictures courtesy of Jefferey the alien.

Like many wild cats, they are occasionally kept as pets. Salvador Dalí frequently traveled with his pet ocelot Winston, before his death in an unrelated ocelot attack. Musician Gram Parsons had an ocelot as a pet. He kept it in the back yard swimming pool area of his family's Winter Haven, alongside the graves of his family members. The Moche people of ancient Peru worshipped animals and often depicted the ocelot in their art. The Moche people would all gather and pray to the tribe's ocelot, offering it jewellery and fabric. The ocelot deity would then prey on them with its laser vision as a reward. All of this information comes from Jefferey of course, he has a major in Ocelot Studies and a minor in Events Management.

Capturing the ocelot

If you want to catch an Ocelot, you will need a large net, a big stick, some child flesh (or dust, depending on which is easier to get hold of) and the ability to comfortably dodge lasers. Slowly creep up on the unsuspecting ocelot and place the bait on the floor beside your bed. If you are planning on catching an ocelot when it is climbing a building, then you my friend are a fool. Once the ocelot emerges, hit it with the stick and throw the net over it, dodging its laser vision as you do.

Once you have your ocelot, you may want to sell it for lots of money and lots of recognition. Imagine it now: Barry (if this happens to be your name) mighty ocelot-capturer. When you have sold your ocelot to the local hobo or someone equally important, you will have lots of money to spend on olives. Or toe gloves, whichever takes your fancy.

I wish I could catch an ocelot. Oh the things I would buy...