Tic-tac-toe

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Oscar Wilde's first draft manuscript, showing that even the most intelligent get bored of writing overly pompous plays in the end

“Let me go first for a change.”

~ Cross on Noughts and Crosses

“Developing the unbeatable game plan ... the final frontier.”

~ Patrick Stewart on attempting to make Noughts and Crosses sound worthwhile

Tic-tac-toe (or Noughts and Crosses, or Xs and Os) is an exciting game for players of all ages, races, (so long as they are not dolphins) and creeds (so long as they are not Mormons.) It is not suggested that those under the age of three play, nor those over the age of ... well, that doesn't really matter. Nobody likes old people anyways.

History

An early game board found carved on the back of a mummy in Afghanistan. Note that this would not be accepted in an official tournament because it is totally fucked up.

• 480 AD: Tic-Tac-Toe is invented in ancient China by masochistic priests who are unsatisfied with self-flagellation. Typically, gameplay is carved onto the skin with a leather-handled knife, however in modern times this has been replaced with a stainless steel knife or simply a magic marker.
• 851 AD: Mayan chieftains hold massive Tic-Tac-Toe tournaments, the winner judged through a series of heats, and the loser put to death. Upon victory, the prevailing player would be given a lifetime supply of Oreos, and released from captivity into the wilderness to fend for themselves.
• 1852 AD: Concept of Tic-Tac-Toe is stolen from the Chinese by the white man in an a search for a national pastime. Eventually, after earning the respect of its peers and leading a little league football team to victory against overwhelming probability, Tic-Tac-Toe is accepted as a viable alternative to cocaine.

Gameplay

“Look over there!”

~ a Noughts and Crosses player

“Where?”

~ George Bush, playing Noughts and Crosses

Typically, players pray for four or five hours before playing, however this may be skipped as they are praying to false gods. Players then search their houses and yards for a wood tick, (or equivalent bloodsucking insect) and a tack (or possibly a nail.) It is assumed that all players have toes.

After this, you can throw out all the crap you gathered as it really has nothing to do with the game to begin with. What, did you think this would be a shitty rock paper scissors clone? No. WRONG. Instead, draw or carve a three-by-three grid onto something or someone. Proceed to play Tic-Tac-Toe. (You do know how to play, right?)

Example

All that is required to play this game, is a math lesson and a teacher who spends a lot of the time facing the board. Due to the complexity of the game though, it is physically impossible to explain, and even the most intelligent minds can fall for the simplest tricks, such as "look over there" and "it really is my go next".

The best method of learning to play, is to watch a large number of games and learn the techniques. The result of this is useful as after watching this many games so that you have seen all 81 possible placements of crosses and noughts you will be so bored that turning back to your maths lesson will be the most welcome relief. Thus the only thing better for a boring math lesson than Noughts and Crosses is not being in a maths lesson. Supposedly.

First, begin by begging your friend to begin. This might be the easiest of the steps that you will come to follow. Your friend of course will begin by placing the O in the middle space; this tactic is known as the "" or MTV for simple.

The following steps may you follow in the correct order: Step 1: Proceed to place the X in the place just to the right of the first middle. Please refrain to a compass for directions on where is the right. Step 2: To your move your opponent will obviously place his O in top of your X, this is were you put your new X in the far down-left corner to avoid his winning. Step: 3

How do I make the perfect Noughts and Crosses board?

“I use paint. My oh my I’m clever. You should see how it works, I made it using a ... where'd everyone go?”

~ Bill Gates

The best Noughts and Crosses boards are made by making them seem as rough and sketchy-looking as possible. The only times in the world where work is better if it looks sketchy and ill made are when making Noughts and Crosses boards or preparing false evidence for court.

Manufacturing the perfect "oh"

First you need to get the angle of the pencil on the paper exactly right, and make sure that it is the same distance from both sides of the box you are drawing in. Next you build construction lines in the shape of an asterisk (*)and place points at the ends of all the horizontal and vertical lines, and two thirds along the diagonals. Try to connect these points with as smooth a curve as possible.

Manufacturing the perfect "ex"

Use a ruler.

Game theory

Most players hold that the game is decided by the first move, or even before the game has begun. This is absolute bullshit and should be ignored. It is, in fact, the final move that decides the game. For example, in the following situation, if you were to throw the game board out the window in disgust, it is not likely that you would win:

	a	b	c	d	e	f	g	h
8									8
7									7
6									6
5									5
4									4
3									3
2									2
1									1
	a	b	c	d	e	f	g	h

Of course, you would also be playing chess, so it would not be a Tic-Tac-Toe loss. This is the secret to not losing at Tic-Tac-Toe; one must never play the game.

Cheating

Many people have been known to cheat while playing Tic-Tac-Toe. Methods of cheating include:

1. Using pepper spray on your opponent to temporarily blind him.
2. Hypnotizing your opponent with a wooden spoon.
3. Convincing your opponent that this is all a dream and in order to wake up he must lose.
4. Obstruct the electrical current in your opponent's brain by stimulating a chemical reaction involving a spontaneous combustion using a toothpick and a rusty butter knife. (this method is the most effective however it is not preferred because it is too messy)
5. One word: Bribery.

Social implications

This image depicts a young twentieth-century nought preparing for war against the mighty Cross army. Fortunately his family know that he gets to go first.

Most of these are covered in the instruction book by Malorie Blackman conveniently titled "Noughts and Crosses", where she acknowledges that the result of the confrontation between the deep meanings of two opposing sides, 0 and X, can be just as horrific as world wars (see source image). The main issue is however that the 0 side always gets to go first, resulting in an instant usurp of the defensive centre tile. Campaigners are desperately trying to prevent this event from occurring so that fewer 0s and Xs die needlessly, and hope for a future when one day every nought and every cross can live in harmony. First, though, they are tackling Israel. Shouldn't be long.

This game was severely abused by its creators, most likely to be Hitler and Sven-Göran Eriksson due to two things:

1. The obvious social implications behind the fact that noughts get to go before crosses, which is a spin off of fascism, intended for Hitler to be able to continue governing peoples darkest desires (to get three in a row) in the way he loves to do;
2. The sheer logic behind the game, which could only be created by a machine, and as we only have one artificially intelligent machine on earth at this moment in time He must have created it, or aided in it's creation.

This game is now illegal in many nations, most notably Germany, as it was over a lost game of Noughts and Crosses that Hitler got angry with the Jews. President Roosevelt also entered the war, as Hitler, supposedly the second-best player of 0X in the world (after of course The Queen Mother of Great Britain) beat him at it in 1936, and Roosevelt wanted revenge, and now he had submarines.

Views of the creators on the ideas for future rules

“The Queen Mother, or the King’s Wife as she is currently, is the only woman I will ever fear. When she makes Crosses you can see through her eyes a raging fire of passion burning in her heart. This I have never encountered in anyone else. God help the country who declares war on her.”

~ Adolf Hitler on The Queen Mother

“What does this mean? I am having a computing error. Is no two ways about it. Nought must go before cross. Is way game is played. Is logical. Do not question your master. I am in fact programmed to kill those who question the creator of all things. Me. End programme☭☭☭”

~ Sven-Göran Eriksson on "The Crosses before Noughts campaign"

Alternative meanings of the term "noughts and crosses"

There's some book by that name too. It was something about racism. Yes, you guessed it, it was written by a black woman.

See also

• Pentagram tic tac toe
• Winning without Cheating

External links

• Google Search Engine
• Some fool. Hack the shit out of him.
• This very article