Not being seen
“It is to avoid this very fate that I ensure that I am surrounded by at least 50 people at all times.”
“Whatever you do, don't close your eyes.”
“There is only one thing worse than being seen...”
“I tried to tell everyone it was dangerous, but nobody listened.”
Not Being Seen is an ineffective way to avoid being asploded. Once thought to be a viable means of escape or precaution, it has time and time again proven to be a dangerous and usually deadly course of action. Today, the act of not being seen is illegal under anti-suicide laws, since undertaking this act is an almost surefire way to get "blown the fuck up".
In the beginning[edit | edit source]
In the beginning, the universe was not seen. Then the invisible GOD, which was not seen, nor could see, said: "Be not seen!". And so it was. You see? But than, er.., no, not yet. ... ... ... But THEN, GOD's pet, DOG (which is GOD backwards), said: "Watch this!" And so, the not being seen disappeared. For some moments.
Brief History of Not Being Seen[edit | edit source]
Before the advent of precision combustive strike as a means of weaponry, not being seen was simply a mildly risky endeavor. A person who could not be seen had only fleeting concerns about a stray crossbow bolt, or catapult charge hitting him with uncanny accuracy. The risk was marginally greater at sea, where hidden triremes and galleons occasionally exploded as a result of not being seen.
This sea ship can not be seen.
Minutes later, the same ship is Greek fired off of the seascape.
Historical Figures who could not be seen[edit | edit source]
Many notable figures throughout history met their untimely end by making the mistake of not being seen. In 44 BC a soothsayer said to Julius Caesar, "Beware the Ides of March." This was just a trick though, because while he was busy hiding from the Ides of March, an unexplainable ball of fire consumed him. It is also thought that Nero spent a brief period of time not being seen, but for some reason, the explosion missed him and started the Great fire of Rome.
In Medieval Japan, thousands of ninjas spontaneously combusted, as their art of concealment became a liability. This sometimes worked to their advantage though, as some ninja would make their way into an enemy castle and begin not being seen, ensuring the destruction of the castle as well as themselves. This may have been a precursor to the "kamikaze" technique.
This historical figure can not be seen.
Sure enough, the same historical figure finds himself subject to death by inexplicable explosion.
Three ninjas standing in a row.
Religion and Not Being Seen[edit | edit source]
In the book of Exodus it is documented that God hid behind a bush once when he talked to Moses. Unfortunately for God, even He is subject to the dangers of not being seen...
Not Being Seen and the Economy[edit | edit source]
In his model of capitalist economics, Adam Smith spoke of an Invisible Hand, which guides the market into prosperity. Because this was a metaphor, despite all efforts, this "Hand" that could not be seen was never exploded. Finally on Black Friday in 1929, the object of the metaphor, capitalism was blown up instead. 12 years earlier, communism enjoys a widely publicized and therefore widely seen debut. Desperate to avoid becoming exploded, communism adopts a Hollywood style of media whoredom. These filthy redskis bend over and spread it for the cameras of the international media, desperate to show off every nook and cranny of their young, supple and firm economic model. Tittilating the world with its tawdry tales of mass murder, torture and suppression of ideas, communism deftly avoids the fate of not being seen. A widely publicized feud with the US becomes over-exposed, however and the public begins to lose interest in communism's "backdoor shenanigans" and gradually stops watching. Finally, Gorbachev comes to power, and the eyes of the world shift to that weird looking thing on his forehead. Communism can no longer be seen, and rather predictably explodes in a fiery inferno of infernal fire.
Not Being Seen and The Arts[edit | edit source]
Thousands of struggling artists explode every day as a result of not being seen. This is particularly a problem for recording artists, whose primary objective is to be heard. Before the advent of the music video, only a handful of musicians survived the pitfalls of not being seen. More successful musicians in those days spent most of their time being seen and then stealing the work of recently exploded musicians who had not been seen. Mozart was one such example. He was known to have frequently made his rounds throughout Vienna, looking for mushroom clouds or smoking craters, where musical manuscripts of blown up composers could be found.
How to Avoid Not Being Seen[edit | edit source]
The following is a partial list of various techniques you can employ in order to not not be seen.
- Live in a glass house. (Optionally, a grass house, provided you stow thrones.)
- Stay away from shrubs, trees, and barrels that could obstruct the line of sight.
- Become a celebrity, and have several paparazzi follow you around. (This only works provided that you endorse OJ Simpson and write a book called "What If you Can't See Me?")
- Commit a violent crime, become incarcerated, and spend the rest of your life under closed-circuit monitoring.
- Pay a professional accredited "Not Being Seen" Risk Management Consultant to monitor you at all times.
- Develop ties to any terrorist organization, and move to Washington D.C.
Signs that you can not be seen[edit | edit source]
The only true indication that you can not be seen is if you explode. As long as you remain unexploded, you can be sure that you can indeed be seen.
Gallery of People who can not be seen[edit | edit source]
Try to learn from the mistakes of these people.
