Tim the Enchanter

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“Death awaits you all, with nasty, big, pointy teeth!”

~ Tim the Enchanter on King Arthur
The lovely Tim The Enchanter in his usual headdress and beard who bears absolutely no resemblance to British actor John Cleese.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Tim the Enchanter.

The fire-loving, horned-helmeted, robed, foul-mouthed, bearded enchanter Tim the Enchanter, is the sworn enemy of the Killer Rabbit. Tim was a moderately famous pyromaniac and conjuror on many Monty Python films such as Monty Python And The Quest For The Holy Grail. Tim was born in the late 2nd century to a couple of peasants named William and Rosalia Gates (nee Mera).

Tim was introduced to black powder and explosive magic at an early age when his rich aunt, Zoot, sent him a package of fireworks as a belated birthday gift. Once his parents had rebuilt the house, Tim went to live with his cousin’s friend’s daughter-in-law, an unladen swallow’s flight (African; assuming it decided to migrate) away.

The life and death of the one who some call Tim[edit | edit source]

Early life[edit | edit source]

“Some call me......Tim...”

~ Tim the enchanter on Tim the Enchanter

Tim was born in Quegsburgh, Scotland in the year 1234, and also happened to be the 1337th in the family line of Richardson. He didn't care really, though, since 1337 wasn't invented yet. He grew up in a happy and loving family, until by some unfortunate coincidence a Grue came by and ate his family. The only 7 years old Tim vowed for revenge, and therefore he has a grudge against anything fluffy and furry. That, and they happen to burn well. After vowing for revenge he set his house on fire, and consumed by madness, only consumed flint ant tinder. Also he developed an unusual tendency to dye the sides of his beard dark brown. Gandalf took him in custody and taught him the art of pyromancy, which has since then become a fetish for Tim. After Gandalf pulled a joke on Tim by making him fart fire, Tim burned his house too.

After burning Gandalf's house, he joined The Knights Who Say Ni. He was then already 103 years old, but since he's a wizard, he looks no older than 75 (that's pretty lame!). He got dismissed from the Order of the Knights Who Say Ni because he could not control his pyromancy and set the Knights' shrubberies on fire. Deeply angered and saddened by what happened, Tim went to live in the mountains as a hermit, where he sat all the time being ominous and blowing things up for absolutely no reason. Eventually he joined up with King Arthur in their quest for the Holy Grail, but it turned out to be nothing more than an excuse to set stuff on fire. After being let down by Arthur, he set the Big Ben on fire. Unfortunately he got arrested and died in prison because of an underexposure to flint and tinder. In the afterlife God offered him a place in heaven, because of his aid in the quest for the Holy Grail. Unfortunately, pyromancy was not allowed in heaven, so Tim naturally preferred Hell.

Later life[edit | edit source]

Tim's Aunt Zoot

After living with the cousin’s frie… this family for thirteen years, Tim changed his name, using his life’s savings to pay for it, and registering it in California, to Tim the Enchanter. After this change of identity, he decided to learn the rudiments of magic (teleporting, speaking in eerie tones and harsh brogue) so as not to live a lie. Eventually he became bored with this solitary and low-paying career choice, and so, was lured to pyrotechnics, which, he decided after 2 years of producing displays for the WWF (as it was called in those days), was too tame for his tastes. Immediately afterwards, he enrolled in a college that taught demolition techniques (blowing shit up). He passed the courses with flying colours, partly due to his aptitude for magic, which enabled him to teleport charges to a site with pinpoint accuracy, or talk irate squatters out of derelict buildings with his acquired unintelligible drawl.

Even later life[edit | edit source]

After the scandal of 295 AD, in which Tim’s teleportation skills failed him and led him to blow up a pig sty owned by an influential tavern proprietor, Tim was banished to New York, and then, ultimately, to The Badlands, not far from the cave of the killer rabbit (which is directly adjacent to the gorge of eternal peril, and the bridge of doom). In this place, he continued blowing the crap out of the countryside, grew horns and a beard, and honed his teleportation and unintelligibility techniques until 409 AD, when he was obliged (by the powers of subtlety

Reading the instructions passed down by God for the Holy Hand Grenade Of Antioch

displayed by King Arthur’s Knights as they passed through his bombed out homeland), to lead a group of ignorant knights to the cave of the killer rabbit. After the knights blew the rabbit to pieces (it was their enemy) with the Holy Hand Grenade, chucked an old guy into a gorge, mounted an assault on the castle Arrrgh (inhabited, of course, by some foul mouthed French who made huge double takes and silly faces), and were rounded up by police for killing an ancient historian (your own interpretation) and cruelty to animals, Tim was also arrested under Britain’s new terrorism legislation, and jailed without being charged (although it was rumoured to have something to do with his extensive experience with explosives). After doing 32 years of hard time in a top-secret British prison, Tim was released from prison. He then produced a book called “If I was a terrorist, this is how I’d do it”, and became an internationally acclaimed writer, winning all of 4.2 awards for his work.

Latest life[edit | edit source]

Tim, after (obviously) mastering the art of immortality, now resides in a cozy 63,000 square foot ranch with 90 acres of land and 2 Llamas (Mexican). Since the release of his book, Tim has guest starred on a few television shows, including: "CSI: Camelot", “'Bring out your dead!'- A look at the Plague in Britain", and "The sermon in the dugout" (a historical account of the blessing of the holy hand grenade), and is currently promoting vacations to Norway.

What Tim likes[edit | edit source]

The Holy Hand Grenade Of Antioch

Fire, tinder, flint, you, fire, petrol, Hell, Awesome Violence and Explosions!, beer (who doesn't?), being ominous, his beard, fire, toilets, laptops, sink cleaner, fries, Oscar Wilde, himself, shrubberies (they burn pretty damn well), Holy Handgrenades, haggis, chili and C2H6O.

What Tim DOESN'T like[edit | edit source]

Grues, furry things, rabbits, King Arthur, me, company, Roman writers, Gandalf, or any other wizard for that matter, Internet, 3li73 +|-|1|\|6z, Wikipedia, Black Beast of AAAARGH!, politics, cats, hippies, nonsense, firemen, the Big Ben, chemistry and C8H10N4O2.

See also[edit | edit source]

External links[edit | edit source]