Noel Edmonds

A loathsome, wobbly, pink-faced novelty twat poses for a photograph with Mr. Blobby

Noel "Squirrel" Edmonds is a British television, radio and new age bullshit personality. He is best-known for his 1990's Saturday teatime television extravagansa Noel's House Party which he broadcast live from his palatial mansion once per week as well as his current role as a middle-aged man stuffed into a pair of jeans on Deal or No Deal. He is very short, being 4 ft 5 but also 20 ft and 60 ft tall all at the same time.

Edmonds achieved fame as a radio and television personality, especially during the 1970's and his time on Radio 1's Breakfast Show. However, after his time presenting Multi-coloured Swap Shop, Edmonds made a solemn promise to enter politics. He would go on to be one of the most influential and controversial British politicians of modern times, and cultivating a political philosophy and cult of personality that would bear his name.

History

Early Career

It is thought that Noel Edmonds emerged from Loch Hourn, Scotland in the year 1209. However, he claims to have been born to a family of racoons and raised by wolves on Wimbledon Common along with Nick Ferrari and Aston from JLS. In 1500, he moved to Bristol, where construction began on his secret underground lair. Little remains of the original structure (which today acts as the studio for Deal or No Deal and Question Time) although some of the older 'pilgrims' who watch the game were captured in the 1500's still remain in the studio. Doris Wakeburn recently watched her 1500th game. Edmonds's first foray into politics was during the early 1980's, when Margaret Thatcher chose him to head a diplomatic mission to Buenos Aires to agree an end to the Falkland's War. Edmonds took up the mission with much vigour, although he became lost during the flight over the Atlantic, since he can't fly. Upon arriving in Buenos Aires he organised and presented the BBC 1 one-off, Noel's Peace Treaty for which the Broadcasting Standards Commission received over 800 complaints due to the level of profanity and violence. The Argentines were so impressed by his natural showmanship and seamless blend of family entertainment and light-hearted comedy that they surrendered there and then, to Edmonds personally. After this success, the French renamed Christmas in his honour.

Buoyed by this success, Edmonds ran as an independent for Member of Parliament for the constituency of Winterborne Slovakia, in Shropshire. The election race was broadcast over a period of five weeks as Noel's Election Party, which won record viewing figures. The show saw Noel capture prospective MP's who were standing against him, and then question them about their policies and general knowledge. If they got a question wrong, Edmonds would dump several gallons of coloured "gunge" on their heads. This activity was the subject of local radical feminist Julliete Cabbage's 1992 book, Edmonds and "Gunge" as a Metaphor for Masculine Sexual Abuse Fantasies. The book was highly critical of Edmonds, who one MP riposted by bulldozering Cabbage's house. This event was broadcast as Noel's Orgy of Destruction, which received record viewing figures, but also record complaints after a phallic cloud was clearly seen in the sky, being phallic.

Controversy

While MP, Edmond's very rarely voted or took part in parliamentary discussions, instead opting to arrive every afternoon to present Noel's Lower House Party. During "Lower House", as it became known, Edmonds would question and "gunge" other members of parliament. Although at first a welcome distraction, Edmond's came under fire after he drowned Labour leader John Smith in several gallons of gunge, which Edmonds' later admitted was chemical waste mixed with his own spit. The BBC were forced to pull the plug on "Lower House", despite record viewing figures.

Noel also flirted with controversy during his stint as a BBC Newsreader, when during Children in Need, he shaved off his beard. BBC bosses were enraged and took immediate action, ending Noels' reign as "Most Popular BBC Newsreader". Shortly after this incident, Noel publicly vowed to never again remove his beard.

Yet more controversy followed Edmonds at the end of the 1990s, (a period to which he refers as "the dark side of Edmonds"). It is believed that he used to have Thatcher and her entourage in stitches with his "hilarious" impersonations of a disabled man. An ill-advised airing of this impression on Prime Minister's Question Time did not go down as well with the public, and calls for Noel "the bee-keeper" Edmonds to perform an undignified and humiliating jig were rife.

Edmonds has been criticised for his habit of killing contestants during hilarious TV based stunts, he has responded by issuing an apology and saying:

"Look, I'm sorry, but it's a game show, every so often one of those Kestrel swilling plebs is going to survive, it's out of my hands. If it were up to be I would hamstring the bastards, but there are broadcasting standards to think of."

At present Edmonds has successfully killed 133 contestants in a variety of ways, ranging from drowning (Norma Major) to being decapitated by an enormous hydraulic spoon (Uri Gellar).

Conspiracy theorist Mel Gibson claimed that Noel Edmonds, Richard Branson, and WWF wrestler Million Dollar Man Ted Debiase were in fact the same person. When questioned of the accusation, Mel said "Look at their beards?"

Current Work

After losing the 1997 election to a child's knit-comb, Edmonds' created Noel's Think Tank, a think tank dedicated to advising the government. He has also dabbled in political philosophy and philosophy, releasing such critical works as;

Edmond's 1997 classic, "Noel's History of Ancient Indo-European Civilisation; From Alexander to Zoroaster", a controversial work in which he suggests the last 2000 years of Indo-European history was mostly caused by himself.

• Noel Edmunds as Miss Marple - an erotic re-imagining

• Noel Edmunds: Smack, Whores and Bingo....purging my demons

• Noel Edmunds: How to be an annoying smug overpayed twat

• Noel's Post-Marxist Europe and the "End of History": has Liberal Democracy Really Become the Dominant Paradigm?

• Noel's Breakfast-time Analysis of the Success of the New World Order

• Noel's Discourses on the Globalisation Debate, with an Introduction by Mr Blobby

• Noel's Nietzsche: Why I Strive for the Will to Power

• Noel's Big Wardrobe of Terrible Shirts and Related Clothing

After the God of Television, also known as Channel 4, read his smash book "Noel's Struggle - 9 months in Prison, my homies", they picked him and his amazing technicoloured wardrobe to host the British version of the worldwide smash game show where any one of 22 players could win up to £250,000 or a lifetime supply of doughnuts. Does their sealed box contain hundreds of thousands of pounds? Or just a wet tissue from the producers pocket? Guts and instinct are the key to success as Noel gives real people a real chance to win real money.

Noel’s Comeback

Noel came back to our screens in 2005 with the launch of the show DOND. He confirmed that Mr Blobby had become a manic depressive and subsequently hung himself and slit his wrists (see Emo)Tales of mr Blobby's death may be greatly exagerated. Conspicy theoriest believe that he rose from the grave and is now DOND's banker. Another theory believes him to have been impersonating Eamon Holmes for the past 12 years. Meanwhile Noel had hidden in his box cellar and came up with the idea for the show whilst emptying his distillery.

2006: The Return To Television

Noel Edmonds returned to British Television in February 2006 hosting a brand new 45 minute week day programme called Deal Or No Deal.

People talk a lot of rubbish about Noel suggesting that he said "Being on the television daily, will enable me to send subliminal messages to my followers on a regular basis" He went on "Within a few months I will control the minds of countless millions, and then I will have my revenge"... All totally untrue of course.

That Paparazzi shot of Noel caught wanking.

Implosion Incident

On the 10th of April 2006, London police gained entry to Noel Edmonds' floating condo the "Napierplex" responding to a distress flare fired from the penthouse apartment of the 4000 story building. After breaking into the penthouse apartment officers sadly found Noel Edmonds' body and mind had literally, entirely imploded. Mr Blobby was guest presenter on Deal or No Deal for one day before he was fired for headbutting the Banker. Des Lynam then took up the reigns for 2 weeks comfortably taking over from Noel. Just as the nation was coming to terms with Noels implosion, Everything changed. Noel Edmonds...returned.

The Exeter Lights

In November 2006, Noel, in his quest to bring light to all corners of the world, turned on the Exeter City lights to cries of 'no deal'. Noel plans to systematically turn on every light in the South-West of England until people realise that Deal Or No Deal has no entertainment value whatsoever, which judging by the time it took people to realise that of Noels House Party should be sometime in the new year.

Deal Or No Deal

The show DOND is filmed in Noel's own box cellar. Contestants are held captive in his cellar until such time that they are summoned to 'play'. During the game, contestants are each allocated one of Noel Edmonds brothers. The contestant who is allowed to play may open any of the other boxes so long as they are a prime number. Once all the prime numbers are opened, they must sacrifice one of their fellow captives and then continue to open the even boxes. The same process is repeated when all the even boxes are opened.

As the boxes are opened, it narrows down the likelihood of there being a certain value. Mr Blobby - a male who lives somewhere in the box cellar, most likely underneath the audience, looking up old lady’s skirts throughout the filmings - offers to buy the contestants box for a value he thinks is reasonable. Mr Blobby collects his money by stealing the old people’s pension money from underneath the audience seating. Many of the people in the audience are old, some have been living in the studio since the early 1600s. Before each game begins, the audience are forced to perform the can can, those seen not putting in enough effort are shot by a Dragonuv sniper by Mr Blobby.

Many of the contestants during the filming of Deal Or No Deal died in Bungey Jumping related incidents. Noel Edmonds was unable to comment on this comment as he was currently commenting on a comment made by a commentator at a common comment meeting.

Critics and viewers, or as Noel calls them 'cocks', alike have argued that the game requires no skill and is basically just blind luck, Noel has repeatedly laughed off these claims in a series of interactive DVDs based on the program saying they 'probably got the 1p box'. One of Noel's biggest fans, a Mr Thomas Birkin. argued that "Its not just pot luck! Theres a skill involved" Yes, the skill in opening numbered boxes at random to see if a confusing colour coded amount of money is inside, at which point Noel will try to make appropriate banter about how he wants a date with the contestant, whether they be male, female, animal, vegetable or mineral. Also 'Retards' as they are known have appeared as contestants on Deal or No(el) Deal, the most notable of these, the aformentioned Tom Birkin

Recently Noel Edmonds has been seen using the boxes used on DOND to carry his Tesco shopping home, this was shown in a recent documenatary where he quickly opens box number x for toilet roll and then rushes off to the toilet.

Contestants in Deal or no Deal haggle over the phone with a sinister and faceless "banker" using Noel Edmonds as a sneering intermediary,secretly there is no one on the other end of the phone, Edmonds is just utterly insane and uses the "banker" as a cover to taunt, insult and blackmail the hostage/contestant into submission. "The banker" has obviously been studying the contestants using secret camera's in all their homes while sitting with all the lights turned down in his one bedroom flat. Noel is withdrawn and smug during this process - clearly safe in the knowledge that he has himself, amassed a fortune worth more than every box of every series combined.

Moral support for the contestants is provided by an audience comprised of the elderly and also benefit fraudsters.

Edmonds was presented with his very own 'Red Button', which, when pressed, can bring about the end of the world. The button was presented to him in a red box reminiscent of the ones used on the show Deal Or No Deal, which Noel presents along with his beard. Friends of the star have spoken of dinner parties hosted by Noel in which the button took pride of place in the middle of the table, intended as a talking point. It was at one of these dinner parties that Noel shot fellow TV presenter Clive Anderson, after the cheeky bald bastard man teased that he was going to press the button, and bring about Armageddon, a cheeky grin spread across his face, friends said. The incident-and subsequent fallout-was covered by the news crew from Brass Eye.

Noel’s House Party

Guests arrive at Noel's House Party.

Noel had numerous house parties where he served mini-cocktail wieners and cider from his personal distillery. His co-presenter Mr Blobby (who speaks only in Blobbish) would frequently squirt Noel’s guests with his gungey Blobby waste. This usually happened towards the end of the programme as Mr Blobby had a very small bladder. It was also on the BBC therefore there were no ad breaks for Mr Blobby to ‘relieve himself’.

Noel was ejected from Crinkly Bottom, to wrinkly armpit; and the show was filmed after Mr Blobby was discovered to be having an affair with the local vicar (see Vicar of Dibley). The local parish were disgusted and ordered Mr Blobby to leave. Then they discovered that no one likes Noel, and chucked him in a big hole, never to be seen again.

Similarly, after the success of Noel's house party, Michael Barrymore got in on the act, but the show fell short on the swimming competition.

Unfortunately for Noel, no amount of house parties could gain him any real friends. Anybody who went to these parties were going for the possibility of free drink and Noel making a tit of himself.

Edmondism

"Edmondism" has become a popular political ideology within the last few years, although it seems to have no clear targets or any aims. "Noelists", as they are also known, tend to spend their time wandering the slums in cardigan and grey goatees, pitifully asking people if they want to swap a plastic watch with the time drawn on for their cars. A 2002 attempt to overthrow the King of Nepal and replace him with "The King of Light Entertainment" ended with nearly one thousand Edmondists killed by the police, using their own shoes. The Edmondist movement quickly collapsed much to the planet Earth's relief, however, their leader (codename: Edmundo) was still at large until seeking refugee status on Channel 4. Extradition is currently being pursued by The King of Nepal, pending the disappearence of Edmunds from British TV screens once more.

Dealornodealism

"Dealornodealism" is an opposing idea to "Edmondism". "Dealornodealists", or "Dealists" for short, have the main idea that God is actually a big red box with the number 23 on the front...

Helicopter Crash Un-death

In the mid 90's the nation was plunged into mourning after news that Noel had survived a helicopter accident near to his underground lair in the Himalayan foothills. There was wild speculation as to the causes of his un-death; many pointing to a suspected collusion between the British royal family and portly department-store owner (and Turkish-bath masseuse) Mohammed Al Fayed. A lack of evidence on this front, and repeated TV appeals by Her Royal Highness the Princess of Telford, mollified public outrage, but conspiracy theories still abound today.

The BBC Poisoning Incident

Once Noel Edmonds had made his comeback through Deal or no Deal the BBC were shocked and appalled that this man had been released back on public television. The reasons for this are still unknown due to the BBC's refusal to speak on the matter, but it is widely speculated that Mr. Blobby had used his powers and influence at the BBC to persuade management that Noel Edmonds was in fact a Russian Spy, hell bent on destroying the UK. The reasons for Mr. Blobby feeling this way is still unknown, but it is speculated no one will ever know because no one can understand Mr. Blobby, due to his drug induced rambling.

Late November 2006, Noel Edmonds visited a Sushi restaurant with a good friend of his to discuss the current shortage of Beards in ex-Baltic states that posed a threat to the bearded economy. Whilst there, BBC spies had injected Noel Edmonds fish with a wasabi paste so strong it was regarded as having the power to take down Noel's bearded half-brother Chuck Norris. (these claims have yet to be verified). Fortunately Mr. Blobby's intelligence team had misleading information about the Sushi restraint Noel had visited, and instead ended up poisoning a genuine Russian Alexander Litvinenko which triggered the start of the 'Damn its mother f*****g cold' war part II

Exposure of Brain Condition

In early 2008, it was revealed that Noel had, for most of his life, been undergoing treatment for the degenerative brain condition Condescending Cretinism. He admitted his illness in the famous 'Fake Sheikh' sting, when a British Tabloid also fooled Noel into the belief one of his opinions had exhibited profundity. Although Condescending Cretinism is a terminal condition, it is feared that Noel could continue broadcasting for several years.

Potential Death

It is widely believed that Noel Edmonds died in 2009 of a rare stomach condition, possibly complicated by the degenerative brain condition Condescending Cretinism. The Edmonds family have neither confirmed nor denied the claims, although Channel 4 have made it clear that no new episodes of DOND will be produced. The news of Edmond's death created several conspiracy theories, including that he had been assassinated by the British Government. The Pope has already declared Edmonds a Saint.

Trivia

• During his controversial "Castration for the Nation" campaign in the late 1980's, Noel claimed to have "Eaten more cocks than you've had hot dinners" in response to an orphaned child's request for new clothing.
• Noel has memorised his name AND age.
• Noel (who sometimes likes to be called Leon) is a believer in writing things on his hand and wishing they came true.
• Noel is often seen prowling the various cemeteries of Greater London, hunting for the elusive "dog with an ant's head that can fly."
• Noel was escorted from the annual 1987 Crufts event, by getting drunk, stripping and standing naked on the winner's podium, exclaiming "I'm the daddy now"
• Noel can see through the Deal Or No Deal Boxes (So listen to his words of wisdom)
• Noel reportedly is having an affair with the one they call - The Banker!
• After his mysterious disappearance from television, people wondered what had happened to him. Luckily neither of his fans were in the country at the time. Or existed.
• Noel is NOT related to Dave Edmonds ("I Hear You Knocking") but IS related to Spaghetti Bolognese.
• Scale models of his beard are available at several model shops.
• Noel's silk shirts (seen on "Deal...") are handmade by Thai pre-teens, and each one takes three weeks to make. Noel has never worn the same one twice.
• In October 2008 Edmunds finally admitted he was a raccoon after years of speculation
• Noel got his name because he was born at Easter.
• All the contestants on Deal or No Deal are physical manifestations of Noel's multiple personalities, made visible by Noel-electromagnetic radiation emitted by the telephone on the studio's revered central plinth.
• Spent 1985 dressed as a Nun.
• Noel never reads the newspaper the right way round believing this makes him "Edgy"
• Edmonds is banned from Canterbury Cathedral after getting the horn and shouting 'mmmm sexy bishop!' during a sermon by Archbishop Rowan Williams.
• Edmonds has only laughed five times in the course of his life. On each occasion cruelties were being perpetrated on a Chinaman.
• Due to a prank, Edmonds believes the French for 'Excuse me' is 'Your mother gargles Satan's jizz in Tescos'. He is no longer allowed to use the food court at Orly airport unescorted.
• Spends weekends driving around North Wales in a camper van and demands everyone call him Bob Bobbity Bob Bob Bob.
• He has two brothers, Mr. Blobby and The Banker, and 15 sisters that are all called Noel Edmonds
• Noel was arrested in the winter or 1993 in London city-centre after holding a McDonalds restaurant ransom with threats of burning it to the ground unless he is formally presented with a large crate of Siamese kittens.
• Noel is in fact Nick Clegg's grandfather, which would explain his need to hide varying amounts of cash in boxes and watch as the contestants dreams are shattered when they are left with the 10p box.
• Noel recently announced he was in fact a woman and is expecting his first child with Mr Blobby
• Noel was the inspiration behind Christmas Carol's musical number "The First Noel".

See also

• The Office
• The Church of Deal or No Deal
• Inventor of the Bicycle