UnReviews:Moonwalker
Moonwalker is a 1988 film which is Michael Jackson's vanity project. Posing as an anthology musical, the film was initially just ninety-three minutes of material to worship Michael, but due to Jerry Kramer pleading to Michael, the amount of time spent worshipping Michael was reduced to just eighty-three minutes, with the remaining ten being used for Smooth Criminal. Despite being stalled until 1989, the film still was lucrative, primarily due to rabid Michael Jackson fanatics, making Michael even more popular. Additionally, the mascot of Domino's, The Noid, got free royalties from starring in the movie.
The review[edit | edit source]
There's not a lot to it. The first twenty minutes are dedicated to glorifying Michael's career, claiming that it would bring world peace. Remember, this was his really expensive vanity project. After that painfully long sequence, we then see some kids performing Michael Jackson's "Bad". Initially, that part of the movie didn't exist, but after negotiations were completed, it was agreed that the kids would be there to serve as the first fantasy of Michael.
After that, we then see some fans chasing Michael from the stage, Michael's second fantasy. After the police get involved, Michael flees, later entering the place where they would film The Room. Tommy Wiseau, who is the landlord, yells indecipherable things at him and gets Michael arrested. Luckily for Michael, he manages to hide in a wardrobe room and sneak out in a bunny suit, serving as a prostitute. When they realize it's Michael, Tommy states several times that he's American before sending the police after him.
After Michael is sure he has lost the police, he stops in the desert, takes off his bunny suit, and sets in on a rock. He starts to walk away when something taps him on the shoulder. It's Satan, who wanted to congratulate Michael on single-handedly funding this vanity project. After more dancing, a police officer taps Michael on the shoulder and gives him a ticket, He gets on his motercycle and just before he rides away, the mountain in front of him takes shape of Bill Cosby and winks at him.
Once the "Leave Me Alone" segment is over, the quite rare, very long "Smooth Criminal" video begins. We see a full moon and three little kids on a rooftop looking at a builiding. Sean, Katie, and Zeke. Michael steps out of the builiding they are looking at and looks up at the sky. Then we see someone cracking a peanut in his hands, and Michael looks over to them and dodges quickly as henchmen start shooting at him. The two boys in fright, run away, and Katie stays behind frozen. She starts shouting Michael's name and then we go to a flashback.
We see Katie, Sean, and Zeke playing in a field with a soccer ball and along with Katie's dog Skipper. Someone kicks the ball and Skipper runs over, picks it up with his mouth, gets rabies, and runs into the woods. Michael goes to look for him and Katie comes along with him. They call out to Skipper who is no where to be seen. They soon find a section of the woods covered with nothing but spiderwebs and locate a secret tunnel inside a rock. They both follow it trying to be as quiet as possible. When they see people, they stop on a staircase and look to see what they are talking about. They overhear Joe Pesci, the leader of the gang who plans to get every child in the world hooked on hip-hop. Katie sees a spider about to crawl on her arm and starts to scream. Pesco sees them and sends his gunmen after them.
We go back to the building where Michael is trying to dodge the bullets being shot at him. After the gunmen stop shooting, we see that Michael has gotten away and is running for his life. Katie notices this and runs off the building to find her two friends. After a while of running, Michael is cornered in a dead end and Mr. Big and his guards go to kill him when Michael's lucky star goes by. His lucky star can make him do anything or turn into anything. Michael turns himself into a super fast car and speeds past his enemies, escaping.
We now see Katie entering an strip club, and Sean and Zeke are both hiding there and greet her. They all claim Michael told them to meet him there earlier. They leave the club to make sure they are at the right place, and they run behind a fence when they hear someone coming. Katie looks over and sees Michael transforming back into human form. She is in shock and after she gets better, they all look up and see him entering the club. A burst of white light flashes and Michael enters. It turns out to be the nightclub where all the pedos hang out. Michael is surprised by this, and everyone in there is surprised to see him. Michael feels it is his job to entertain them, and so, he performs his hit song, "Smooth Criminal". Despite the fact that the song "Smooth Criminal" is four minutes and seventeen seconds, this scene is dragged out to be about ten minutes long. Towards the end of Michael's exciting performance, Katie is kidnapped by Pesci while Sean and Zeke are still hiding behind the fence. Michael runs out to find what happened and they all go looking for her.
They find Pesci's lair and enter trying to be as quiet as possible. Sean and Zeke stop while Michael goes ahead. Then a metal door closes behind him, separating them. Michael runs to the center of the room and the boys go to the roof. A spotlight hits Michael and follows him until he is cornered. Then all the gunmen come out and point their guns at him, and two guards go infront of him. We hear Katie screaming as she is coming up an elevator. Pesci has a hold of her and is going to bang her several times. Michael tries to go to her but the guards hold him back. Pesci reveals that he "just wants to get everybody to listen to Eminem, " and is about to bang Katie when she kicks him in the groin and runs to Michael. At the same time, the guard takes the back of his gun, hits Michael once in the stomach and once in the face.
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Pretty good
We then cut to the kids sitting on a bench in the street saying how much they miss him. Katie gets up to sit in a corner and she says to herself that she wishes he would come back. Just then we see mist and Michael appears out of nowhere. They all see him and run to him in happiness. He tells them to follow him and he leads them to the club, informing them that there is a surprise in store. Once again, a burst of white light flashes when they enter. It is at this point, when the quite rare, very long "Smooth Criminal" video ends, and the part when he molests them begin. However, it abruptly ends, as it is revealed that this movie was actually an FBI tracking device designed to catch pedos.
In conclusion, I rate this movie 4 stars. The vanity was extremely excessive but "Smooth Criminal" was the only thing worth the rating. Additionally, the fact that this is used by the FBI to catch pedos is reassuring. But to be honest, the only reason why I rated it this high was the fact that if I rated it any lower, Michael Jackson's fans would track me down and kill my family.
