Monkeypox is the hottest new sexually transmitted disease (STD) ravaging parts of Africa, Asia, and your anus. Its growing popularity, ease of transmission, and exotic name have made it 2022's STD of the Year according to public opinion polling, with its spread tied to TikTok monkeypox challenges, monkeypox parties, and monkeypox-sponsored sporting events.
The disease is primarily spread through masturbation, although it may also spread from oral, vaginal, anal, intercrural, digital, nasal, navel, and cybersex, particularly with monkeys. Engaging in or thinking about these acts, preferably simultaneously, presents great fun and risk to the participants.
Symptoms[edit | edit source]
Monkeypox symptoms may vary, yet they generally present as:
- An inexplicable craving for bananas and a deep longing to live in a jungle
- Bloody, painful, pus-filled sores covering the entire body, which worsen when talked about
- Immediate death or spontaneous combustion
Prevention[edit | edit source]
The U.S. Center for Disease Control (CDC) has issued the following guidelines for monkeypox prevention:
- Do not have sex with humans. If you must have sex, e.g. an attractive person asks you to, use protection such as a condom, an N95 mask over your genitals, or an empty Doritos bag.
- Limit sex with monkeys, including furries. While tempting, monkey sex is a common way of catching monkeypox. There is also a risk that such activity can give the monkey humanpox, which is like monkeypox only saltier.
- Shower at least once per month (soap-and-water recommended but not required). For infected persons, oozing and crusty monkeypox sores will scrape off if scrubbed hard enough.
- Do not hump more than three public toilet seats per day unless absolutely necessary.
Treatment[edit | edit source]
The disease is both extremely painful and extremely incurable. All monkeypox survivors will be afflicted with the disease forever, including the afterlife. Palliative care may be offered to those who deserve or can afford it, though most will live out their few remaining years tortured by an inner, primal howling manifesting from a spiritual discord between an emerging "monkey soul" and the sufferer's eroding humanity. Thankfully, this psychospiritual turmoil can be managed with regular over-the-counter treatments of hard drugs and alcohol.
Origin[edit | edit source]
Overwhelming genetic and epidemiological evidence suggests monkeypox was endemic to parts of Africa before recent mutations made the disease more easily transmissible. However, it is also conceivable the disease is a Chinese bioweapon. No one can really know. Some speculators contend it would be the fifth such "weaponized STD" after HIV, vaginal pneumonia, gonorrhea-tipped ballistic missiles, and assthrax.
The first confirmed case in the United States was a gay schoolteacher named Francis Winkler, who is unlikely to have acquired the disease from a woman. As of August 2022 ten thousand confirmed cases of monkeypox were reported in the United States by the CDC. Experts expect no further cases, as Americans are notoriously good at following public health guidelines.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Chickenpox, an STD acquired from sex with chickens
- Herpgonasyphilitis, the STD partly responsible for the fall of the Byzantine Empire
- Cock In Mouth Disease