Table manners were discovered by Martha Stewart during her exploration of Africa in the 19th century. They're a collection of universal social norms inscribed in a chunk of the Great Rift Valley granite, measuring 114.4cm at its tallest point, while being 72.3cm wide and 27.9cm thick. It was named the Rosetta Stone. The origins of the stone remain a mystery to this day, although it would appear that there were some breed of homos behind it. After decades of unsuccessful attempts to decipher its contents, king of The United Kingdom, Winston Churchill discovered during one of his boozing sprees that the inscriptions on the stone were perfectly legible given sufficient degree of intoxication by the reader. Since then table manners have been shaping the hospitality industry worldwide.
Table manners will lead you to be aware of three distinct topics, all of which will be useful in making you sober as Churchill.
- Usage of utensils and table implements (forks, knives, spatula)
- Table behaviour
- Avoiding awkward or digestion-unfriendly situations
Usage of Table Implements
- Your fork should be held on the hand whichever handed you're not. If you're ambidextrous you can't hold a fork. The only exception is when there is no knife.
- Same applies to knife.
- Spoon can be held with whichever limb one wishes, unless there is no spoon (note: In England you only have one spoon). Or unless they don't have limbs.
- There should always be an odd number of spoons, as well as forks. For knives an even number is recommended.
- Total number of items on a table is not to exceed 35. Total number of tables is not to exceed 3.
- Do not eat food with a hammer.
Behaviour at the Table
- Wearing a hat is considered a mortal sin.
- Please note that beans must be counted as individual items.
- Ice cream is not be tolerated for it melts and ruins the mood.
- Do not ingest your own limbs.
- The person sitting next to you does not find it funny if you wear their food.
- The ceiling is not a better thing to sit on than the chair (behave yourself Spiderman).
- Do try to resist sitting on your food.
- No feet, elbows, knees, genitals or face on the table.
- Do not be tempted to eat the table, the tablecloth or the person sitting next to you.
- A lawnmower does not substitute a blender.
- Using your face to mash potatoes is not acceptable.
- Do not attempt to swim in the gravy boat.
- Do not under any circumstances interact with gingers, ninjas or ginger pirates.
- A hydrogen bomb is not an acceptable candle.
- If the person sat next to you smiles, do not spit in their eye.
- If a person pulls your chair, in politeness you should smack them with it.
- Generally, murder is not acceptable at the dinner table, except under certain circumstances.
Awkward Digestion-Unfriendly Situations
These refer to actions or events that interfere with your digestion, or that of your fellow diners. Take extreme caution in executing these, for the failure to do so may result it people throwing up instead of ingesting.
- Micturition: By no means shall you let others know that you need to pee. Tell them you need to take a dump in the kitchen sink, that's much easier on people's minds than the image of peeing.
- Farts: The biggest enemy of the social diner. If you feel like farting at the dinner table, clench your rear iris and try to make the air travel the other way. It will turn into the relatively less torturous burp. Why fart and waste, when you can burp and taste!
- Burps: Generally off-putting, burps can be skilfully manipulated to be less disgusting. Carry a handkerchief. At the moment of reckoning pull it out and burp into it. Then wipe your face with the said hanky. You'll get a warm aroma of what you ingested recently, as an added bonus. No one notices. Smooth as a hot knife through butter.
Cleaning your ass with a spear: Sometimes, when you're in the bathroom, and you run out of toilet paper, the only thing left to do is to take the vintage spear and wipe your ass with that. It is a lot more sanitary, and you won't have to scream for help like those people who run out of toilet paper. (Unless, of course, it penetrates...never mind. Afterward, you may do battle with it. And yes, we feel it is necessary to dedicate an entire paragraph solely for this purpose.)
Funerals: In the words of Monty Python "Alright, he's dead. Let's not shit all over him". Of course, though, funeral anagrams to real fun.
Greeting Someone: It is polite to eat shit at people. Redundant, but that's all they had in medieval times.
Elders: It is perfectly acceptable to pee on an elder, as long as you say that you thought that they were a tree.