Lil Tecca

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Lil Tecca, (born Lilly Teccant, 12001 B.C.), is an ancient Mesopotamian deity, known for his generosity and silver tongue (literally). He is most known for his foray into Hip Hop, which resulted in a cosmic battle between himself and Enki, nearly tearing the universe apart.

Lil Tecca enjoying the beverage of Gods

The Humble Origins

Lil Tecca's father at an older age.

Lil Tecca's recent incarnation is as the son of a used high-heels salesman (pictured), who spent his formative years mastering the trade. This incarnation's date of creation is speculated to be around the year 1913, but due to the events surrounding Nazi censorship during the second world war this info has remained obscured. At a relatively late age, he discovered his passion for hip hop, and simultaneously his true, ancient, and godly nature. His previous iterations have been seen throughout history, influencing events such as the fall of the Roman Empire and the death of Archduke Franz Ferdinand after arguments over the debut of his solo album. It is believed that he first materialized in ancient Mesopotamia.

The Time-Bending Battle

In 2019, he would release his album “Bow Down, Ye Mortals”, which was met with great success, particularly the hit track “I Am The One Who Exists, Exalted Among Cosmics”. However, this caught the attention of Enki, a rival rapper and god. Enki considered himself to be the true king of the gods, and so he challenged Lil Tecca to a battle. To the dismay of many now missing onlookers, Lil Tecca accepted this challenge. While historians are not sure what happened during the following events, tablets from the year 2012 BCE prophesied the conclusion of the fight (Cuneiform shown below). The only concrete fact we have post fight left many scientists in shock, as they discovered that every second was now "a little bit longer". No info is known about Enki other that the name, as they were seemingly completely wiped from history.

𐎧𐎤 𐎡𐎱𐎮𐎸𐎦𐎧𐏂 𐎧𐎨𐎬𐎽𐎤𐎫𐎥 𐏂𐎮 𐏂𐎧𐎤 𐎡𐎤𐎦𐎨𐎭𐎭𐎨𐎭𐎦 𐎮𐎥 𐏂𐎨𐎬𐎤 𐎼𐎧𐎤𐎭 𐎥𐎮𐎮𐎣 𐎼𐎠𐎽 𐎥𐎨𐎱𐎽𐏂 𐎫𐎨𐏂 𐎨𐎭 𐏂𐎧𐎤 𐎥𐎨𐎱𐎤 𐎮𐎥 𐏂𐎧𐎤 𐎫𐎠𐎭𐎣 𐎠𐎭𐎣 𐎧𐎤 𐎡𐎱𐎮𐎪𐎤 𐏂𐎧𐎤 𐎽𐎮𐎸𐎫 𐏂𐎧𐎠𐏂 𐏂𐎧𐎤 𐎮𐎭𐎤𐎽 𐎠𐎡𐎮𐎵𐎤 𐎠𐎫𐎫 𐎠𐎱𐎤 𐎬𐎠𐎣𐎤 𐎥𐎱𐎮𐎬

Follow-Up Albums & Achievements

The album cover for "My First Album 🤤"

Following the great success of his 2019 album, which went viral and killed all the first borns of Egypt through rapid infection, he dropped his next album, titled “Vaccine”.  On President’s day of 2025, he will release his next album “My First Album 🤤” ( Album cover pictured, AKA the picture on the front of the album). You can order it (the album) from his website on release. In addition to the Egypt concert (called a “great tragedy to our people” by the infidels), he is personally responsible for taking the life of every rapper before they reach the age of 21 if they are not deemed worthy, which he proudly proclaims at the beginning of every track he has produced so far by stating: “I am the claimer of souls. No young rapper is safe from my all destroying, timeless, and holy retribution”. His biggest accomplishment by far is his winning of multiple Grammys with little to no competition, as every other nominee mysteriously disappeared prior to each ceremony. When questioned, he stated that "they were banished”.

Controversies

Lil Tecca received an invitation to a child's 9th birthday celebration on April 8, 2009. Witnesses described a terrifying incident where Lil Tecca demanded attention from everyone at the party by holding out his all-powerful hands, which caused widespread terror. He set aside five people in the midst of the mayhem, sparing their lives while obliterating everyone else in a blinding burst of light. Lil Tecca's supporters expressed dissatisfaction that he had left some people alive. Tecca put an end to this immediately, taking the will from thousands of souls after declaring that his opponents were "not deserving of thought if they were not aware of the prophesy".

On July 25th, 2019, surveillance footage revealed that Tecca, while browsing baked goods, approached a bagel display. After some time, he pocketed a single cinnamon raisin bagel. His actions sparked a wave of fervent reaction from his fanbase, culminating in destructive acts of vandalism and arson in protest over what he had done. To show his fans that he was not the man they thought he was, he showed his support by burning down the Notre-Dame along side them, but it still took years to repair his image.

On May 22nd, 2022, Lil Tecca released his manifesto. Although his words received high praise from critics, his supporters took issue with the fact that there were no photos. Lil Tecca made the decision to speak with his followers directly in response, claiming that the absence of images was a purposeful creative decision meant to highlight the significance of his ideas. He extended a "thank you" to his fans for their input and urged them to get more involved with the manifesto. Those who took his word were shocked as they began seeing maddening images outside of the pages of the book, far surpassing the illustrative medium.

Fans of Lil Tecca were left upset after his world tour in 2023. The concert was criticized for failing to "extend the tendrils of everlasting famine far enough" by disappointed fans. Lil Tecca responded by using the power of nature itself to create a massive tidal wave that devoured the houses of anyone who dared to defy him. Even the most outspoken detractors were quiet in astonishment at the sheer scale of his might. Survivors felt a sense of reverence, viewing this catastrophe as evidence of his unmatched power while restoring their status as his acolytes.

Citations

I learned most of the above material from my brain.

The rest was derived from playing the 1993 film Cool Runnings backwards and sped up by 10%.

Lil Tecca provided all images personally while holding me at gunpoint.