Lake Victoria
“Is that the one next to Superior?”
Lake Victoria is the only one African great lake. It also holds the title of the world's largest tropical lake and the second-largest fresh water lake behind a swimming hole in Kansas. (By about 5 years due to climate change it'll break the record) It comes up due to a depression in Africa, which makes sense because children usually fill the lake with their tears. The lake's area is divided for three countries, none of which I know the name of because let's be honest, why would I? Other facts include that it houses a lot of endangered species. Every day they pray to God that there's no oil next to their ecosystem or they're screwed.
Geology[edit | edit source]
The story of Lake Victoria begins when God forgets to give the Africans a water source. The continent already being his blind spot, he decided to throw a big lake in the area which just so happened to be in East Africa, probably the most unimpressive part of Africa ever. Lake Victoria was created when rivers and oceans came from where I have no idea how to describe other than "over there" and "here! here!"
Hydrology[edit | edit source]
Lake Victoria receives 80 percent of its water from direct rainfall, known as the only part in Africa where water is used wisely. Lake Victoria receives its water additionally from rivers and thousands of small streams, which may or may not start at gross, leaky wooden outhouses. Lake Victoria outflows into the Nile River, so whenever you see a light skinned Ugandan, he may have been sent down the river so he didn't die. If you see a light skinned Ugandan female, she probably immigrated here, though will definitely not be fucking any of the local Ugandans not because of her skin but because she isn't sixteen with three picked male husbands. Tough luck out there!
Ramblings aside, Lake Victoria has been the subject of a lot of climate change worries. Studies show that it has been flooding lands next to it, and it is on track to become the 2nd most entity that steals a lot of black peoples' land (not even going to provide a link, you know number one) Scientists have tried to look into the matter, but in reality we have a lot of problems all over the world, so hold your horses Kenya will ya? (if you have some)
Fauna[edit | edit source]
Animals also live in Lake Victoria, most who live in the water, around the lake, or just there because they're unemployed. The Lake Victoria ecosystem is one that is varied and diverse in its many animals that God made after playing a game of exquisite corpse. The ravenous predators, hippos, face off against knockoff gazelles, sitatungas, in a fierce battle to the death. This makes up 90% of content on networks around the world, from Nat Geo to Africa News Network. Contrary to popular belief, lions do not use snorkels to sneak into the lake and eat fishes. They don't even like those fishes anyway. They also couldn't fight a hippo, he'll roundhouse that lion quicker than you can say "OH I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO BE KING"
Discovery[edit | edit source]
The first recorded information about Lake Victoria comes from Arab traders plying the inland routes in search of gold, ivory, and slaves. All of these components were made to make the first gold piano who could play "Swing Low Sweet Chariot". The lake existed and was known to many Africans in the area who left no written records (its hard to write on leaves) long before it was sighted by a European in 1858 when the British explorer John Hanning Speke reached its southern shore while on his journey with Richard Francis Burton to find a place in the woods where no one could see them masturbate. Believing he had found the source of the Nile on seeing this "vast expanse of open water" for the first time, Speke named the lake after Queen Victoria. We at Uncyclopedia actually have his diary writings:
June 26, 1858
Wow! I've finally found the source of the Nile!
What if we could drain it for our spaceships?
Report this to our mothership, VIC-TORIA
Hopefully she isn't glitching right now...
♡Speke the Absolutely Awesome Cool Dude♡
Burton, who had been recovering from illness (from the natives, obviously) at the time and resting further south in Kazeh (near present-day Tanzania), was outraged that Speke claimed to have proved his discovery to have been the true source of the Nile River, which Burton regarded as still unsettled. A very public quarrel ensued, although since Madlib wasn't born yet, they couldn't make killer beats to rap to. It sparked a great deal of intense debate within the barebones scientific community of the day, but also much interest by other explorers keen to either confirm or refute Speke's discovery.
In the late 1860s, the famous Scottish explorer and missionary David Livingstone failed in his attempt to verify Speke's discovery, instead pushing too far west and entering another chapter of Africans in the River Congo system instead. Ultimately, the Welsh-American explorer Henry Morton Stanley, on an expedition funded by the New York Herald newspaper, confirmed the truth of Speke's discovery, circumnavigating the lake and reporting the great outflow at Ripon Falls on the lake's northern shore. So it is connected to Nile after all! No dumbass, not that nile... not that either!!
Recreation[edit | edit source]
What kind of jackass shit can you really do in this hellhole? Well you can do jack shit! Yep! Fuckin' nothing! Oh shit, that's too many fucking pennies in the swear jar *ahem* There's really not that much to do in this pretty large lake. Probably because you're basically shouting you want to be carried down a lake into oblivion. Drowning is gay, remember that. It saved my uncle. That aside, you can do a multitude of epic and awesome things such as
- staring at the water
- walking at the edge of the lake
- staring at the water again
- using a straw and like drinking the lake
- staring at the water agian
- kill a man and hide his body in the lake
- staring at the man as he drifts into nothingness, the last time you see the glimmer in his eyes as he's carried to no man's land, uncertain doom
- shout at the minorities across
- staring at the water again
Transport[edit | edit source]
Transport through Lake Victoria is an achievement that has only been around since the early 20th century joke, which right here I would make a "haha underdeveloped Africa" joke, but I've ran out of ways to deliver a good punchline. Ferries usually travel between Uganda, Tanzania, and Kenya in a sort of conga-like fashion because being a stowaway is probably the only cost-effective way you could ever survive there. Tragedies do usually happen though, and for good reason, because they need to pay for their sins, man were never supposed to effectively travel through long distances of water!!! We do not know the extent of most of these tragedies, so A. that is pretty sad, and B. It's Victoria's Secret.
