Kilkeel

Kilkeel

aka Black Hole
[[File: Members of the Kilkeel Sciency Inventin’ Klubb with their latest invention, the Fish Smasha |200px]]
GENERAL INFORMATION
motto	“Thon Boy’s no frim heer!”
anthem	Don't cha(wish ya sista was Wooley like me, Don’t cha!
currency	fish
opening hours	Always open, forever closed minded
smells of	Kippers
GEOGRAPHY
country	Northern Ireland
DEMOGRAPHICS
ethnic groups	Hern gutrs, themmuns
languages / dialects	Broad Mumbling
religions	Narrow Christing

Kilkeel is a small town in County Down – Ireland. It is also referred by some as “a black hole”, the meaning being derived from “protestant bastards” Kilkeel is divided strongly between two separate communities – those who know how to gut herons and those who do not. The people who do not are likely to die before adolescence. Kilkeel is a massive tourist attraction, especially on the 12th of July when various bible reading protestants are nailed to wooden crosses and stoned alive by good olde fashion pagans. In recent years, this event has been criticised by local politicians, saying that it is “simply not violent enough and should not be confined to one day per year” The “game” goes in this tradition –

• Stage one – nailed to the cross
• Stage two – pebbles and Gaelic footballs are fired at targets from the crowd
• Stage three – the town mayor urinates on each individual while bricks are fired from the church tower on Newry Street
• Stage four – huge granite blocks are dropped on the “black witches” from a height of 10 feet
• Stage five – the candidates are checked for a pulse and “arse to mouth resuscitation” is performed by the town mayor – if they are deceased by this point, they were actually witches and the whole torture themed day was well worth it.

Senior members of the IRA are the special guests at the event including Ian Paisley, whom has now came out of the IRA gun closet and sponsors the event in return for some dissident shaft sucking behind the DUP advice centre. TV presenter Eamon Holmes, who regularly anchors the function, said “it’s a good way to show both communities coming together and participating in traditional fun and games.” When asked by local journalist Jesus Black if he thought the games were ever so slightly one sided, Eamon replied “piss off you fucking killjoy” and was then seen running into the harbour, falling into old habits of whale killing.

Religious Beliefs

Kilkeel is a mainly Christian town, the town is divided between three main denominations:

• ‘Technically Catholics’, in & out, Job done, sins forgiven, off to the pub.

• ‘Dreary Presbyterians’ who don’t know how to smile or laugh.

• ‘Free Presbyterians’ who, while the name sounds quite jolly, are in fact mental, corrupt bigots who hate everything and everyone outside their small backward churches and the DUP. They have ‘special schools’ where they convert normal children into retards. Their leader is big Jim ‘King of the closets’ Wells.

Pagans are also a small community who have shunned the modern ways of the Free Presbyterians. Their festivals involve the 'Night of Plastering' in which many of the local populace drink themselves to death. This festival can be observed most nights.

During this festival, is advised not to place yourself too close to the the inhabitants of Kilkeel. They may appear to be the usual pedestrian at a glance, but careful observation will show that they will f**k anything, including you, your family and your family's sheep. Relations between the communities are very good, with Protestant parents loaning their young children to Catholic priests on a regular basis. Of course there are also the few intelligent people in kilkeel (about 3) who have realised that this constant fighting will get us nowhere. They hide in basements and under floorboards and no-one knows when they might appear and try to talk some sense into a local only to be frightened away by the Kilkeel citizens “Mad Darting Eyes” and “Club-like Hands”.

Town Breeding

Let it be known now, that the people of kilkeel will screw anything. Despite this they are particular to sheep and family members. Leading to the fact that everyone in kilkeel is related to everyone, including the sheep.

To avoid being brutally raped by a gang of inbreds, follow our guide...

• Avoid eye contact with everything, even your own reflection
• At the first sign of heaving breathing down the back of your neck, run!!
• Bring a sharp pointed stick for protection, and know how to wield it! The last thing you want is for it to be turned against you and used as a pentrative device.
• Use flash photography if cornered, this should disorientate the mongoloids in order for you to escape.

Archways

This huge nightclub is renowned for it’s tacky pints of Guinness and Smithwicks which itself tastes like Sleour with the town mayor Bobby Wobbles’ urine injected within. Many celebrities have been seen relaxing in The Archways, with such favourites as Mickey Cole, May Mc Fetrech, famous world renowned DJ Francy “tunes on fire” C and “that bloke who sings the same song every week on karaoke”.Damian "Daj" Young has been seen in the Archways various times offering his knowledge and wisdom to younger generations. He has recently learned to spell such words as "and" "the" and "did"....who knows next could be his name. other such guests has included such characters like the robot out of star wars(R2D2) aka Conor Quinn. People who have lost the will to live often attend the Archways as a healer. When they leave the place, they then realise how lucky they are to live in their small dingy council house flats.

The Archways was opened by Mr T, who was on leave from The A Team on the first of April in 66 BC. Instead of cutting the ribbon with a pair of small scissors, Mr T insisted in using a hacksaw which he repeatedly clouted the ribbon violently with until it de-materialised while screaming “Mother fucking Archways shit, fucking place smells of Lithos” or something to that effect. Present also was a downs syndrome fat kid with a veruca called “Lou” whom it was opened in his name. It then later emerged Lou was not in fact disabled and had not had a veruca which caused outrage among kilkeelians (or black huns as they are more commonly referred to) Fortunately, 3 hours later the town’s people started laughing over the whole situation uncontrollably for approximately 7 weeks and eventually the whole thing was made into a sketch on a mini series for BBC called “Lou and Andy – Little Britain, big Ireland” The show proved to be a huge success for the BBC for almost 40 seconds.

Bay of Bengal

Affectionately known as the bay of death as 316 young druggies die per annum in the small town after eating from the delightful bay of death. The most recent swallowed a rat and choked, on abu's dick. It is commonly referred to as a money laundering organisation for the Continuity IRA. After 12pm it turns into a bring your own alcohol nightclub with a bollywood twist. it really is a must see specticle. We caught up with local druggy and tout Micky Modzilleesky to get his views. "Fucking brilliant like i fucking get my fool wak! facking get 18 inch peetsa with gram schnaff"

The Town Crier

Henry Reilly UUP/UKIP/Ind/TUV/RAF/RTE is famed as Kilkeel’s fattest ever town crier. He can be seen on Twitter and Facebook crying about the persecution that he faces and how unfair it is that his arch enemy “Judas McNarry” joined UKIP and ruined his chance to marry Donald Trump. McNarry, being even more thick and bitter was promoted to leader of UKIP NI instead of Henry. You can still see the red mist on Henry’s big chubby cheeks on a cool night.

Henry desperately trying to get Nigel to notice him while Nigel looks at something exactly 100 yards away

Humungus Henry is also a keen dieter, the Abomination diet patented by Riled-up Riley is a simple method of not eating anything that is promoted by “the gays”. Even looking a little camp, queer, strange, different, wearing pink, being effeminate, drinking lattes, being accepting or generally being uncunty is considered highly taboo and Big Fat Henry will not eat anything promoted by people of that ilk. Henry often sits deep in a closet to ward off his feelings of ‘hunger’.

Huge Henry is a “Christian Man” and follows in the footsteps of our Lord Jesus in his daily life. Jesus, who we all know craved power and was usurped by God to the No1 slot. Jesus, who was bitter and intolerant of others, who hated forgiving people and was generally a bit of a yap to everyone he met. Moanin’ about something every day, Jesus eventually was nailed on a cross to stop his incessant bitching, but alas, like Henry, he popped up again three days later in a new form, with a new party and a new Twitter account. In his daily life Henry, when faced with a conundrum, always asks himself “What Would Hitler Jesus Do?”.

Grahams’s Ice Cream/childrens parlor

Graham’s is famous for creating the recipe for the cold, creamy and delicious ice cream dating back to the mid fifties, for playing a central role in the community of kilkeel since then and for it’s owner splashing his man sauce all over his PC whilst gawping at young naked toddlers.

When the PSNI checked his computer for indecent images Mr Graham insisted he was “researching for a gap in the nappy market” PSNI cop Retentive Mollestor Dick Bangor laughed and replied “I think you’ll find there isn’t much of a gap between those nappies”. Further searching of his home found several child sized vibrators (12 inches) and a selection of colouring books and crayons, to keep the kiddies occupied. Despite this incident being a bit of a bummer for the Graham family, it wasn’t long before they were serving the community once more. To get the horrible paedophile image away from the business, they decided to come up with “extra special sauce with a free large flake for kids, but not over three years old”

Mr Graham is currently being gang raped as we speak in St Luke’s mental asylum with large traffic cones. There was talk of a screwball but that was never proven.

Newry Street Elite

The elite fighting unit known as the Newry Street Elite are a small but determined group of Special(needs) Forces who defend Newry Street from the Rabbid Catholic hordes of the Scrogg Road to the West and the Shambling Protestant Defenders of everything to the East. They are heavily armed with Bazookas and CurleyWurleys and they know how to use them as can be seen by their waistlines.

Their commander, Major Disaster Bobby “on the rocks” Wobbles is a man worthy of respect. He personally trained and mustered these elite fighters from all the fat kids in Churchview Close. They serve for at least 2 days before becoming bored and wandering off.

The "Holla"

The minority of protestant freedom fighters can often seek refuge in their hideout of the "holla". This can be found behind the post office. If you enter this strange hideout you may be able to spot that there is an established hierarchy of power. Head of "The Holla" can often be found and goes by the codename of "Sticks". If a big bald man in a green car is staring at you, you may as well run. He may look disabled, and even act it, but he's covering up for the UDA's "Master Plan". But don't worry, its not all big bald men, there are also aids infested whores (more than 90% of Eastern European origin) in cars who are down for all your sexual pleasures for the promise of two quid or a bag of Doritos. But don't get to close, they're incredibly dangerous and may eat you. Finally there is the lowest tier of the holla, they range from the age of 8 - 12 and can be seen drinking "down the Walkway lah". These people are armed, possibly dangerous, possibly pregnant, definitely have a cock in their ass or in most cases, all of the above

Trivia

Careful now or the Newry Street Elite will get you!

• Kilkeel was voted “best inbred fishing town 2007” This was inevitable though, as other contenders in the category were not found

• Bobby Wobbles is the town lord. With a substantial career history and the fact he has never once touched a drop of alcohol shows that he is an excellent role model.

• Kilkeel is notable for many inventions such as the phrase “heron gutter” late night bingo, the butt plug and wisdom teeth

• The name Kilkeel comes from the art of killing catholics – you kill them, they then keel over. If spelt backwards it makes references to a sexual term used by practically everyone in the province – though the details are kept secret local painter Bazil Brush caught your mother trying it out.

• Kilkeel once fell into the sea during the summer of 1972 but was quickly rescued by Dolphins and members of the IRA.

Local Marching Bands

There are many marching bands in Kilkeel, some smaller, less popular and by far less talented bands include:

The MYD (Mourne Young Defenders) are the top defenders of the Mourne area. They “defend” the Mournes Once per year by marching around Kilkeel at fuck knows O’Clock and waking me and my fucking screaming kids up. The rest of the year, they go somewhere else, leaving Kilkeel defenceless. It’s almost as if they aren’t defending the Mournes at all, they’re just being cunts.

The RSV (The Racist Shinners of Valhalla), the members of this band are said to look like they are walking upon hot coals in bare feet while 'parading' Kilkeel's streets. Second only to the MYD, the “musicians” of this band can be seen glancing enviously toward the MYD whilst playing frantically in the hope to get noticed before going on a homophobic racist rant on Twitter. This makes it Henry Reilly’s favourite band.

However the most popular, most sophisticated and talented band goes by the name of "Banna Fluite Naoimbh Padraig" which is a large marching band, however they are very picky about what their members look like and are said to refuse membership to anyone who they consider "fat or ugly". However, this is offset by their shambling uncoordinated shuffle and tatty and unkempt uniform. They parade twice annually watched by countless onlookers mainly from the Protestant community unhappy that there seems to be a zombie army marching down Newry Street. They have a large colour party made up of prostizombies which shows a fine display of colourful rags to watch while listening to various cacophonies such as "18 Brits" and "Go on home British Soldiers" along with "roll of honour" and "When an Orangeman Dies" This is the only band in kilkeel capable of drawing huge crowds from both sides of the community.