HowTo:Understand and deal with pretentious people
Pretentious people overstate their style, value and opinions. They believe that anything below them should be pitied and ridiculed. Their opinion is gospel and they give out their opinion a lot. They accomplish nothing but comment on everything around them. Their way is always better. They drain the liquid plasma out of everyone's circulatory system, one unwelcomed fact and opinion after another.
Boringness pervades every fibre of the pretentious animal. That over dressed elitist who would rather die of thirst than drink wine from a box...he's a pretentious bore. You aren't the only one who noticed. Stick around your white cell count will near fatal levels.
Expel such people from your life. For those that must stay (i.e. your eldest son) there are solutions. Deal with them by ignoring them, challenging them and if this fails by destroying them.
UNDERSTANDING pretentious people[edit | edit source]
Step 1. Assess what the person is trying to prove.[edit | edit source]
Pretentious dicks want to impress anything that moves. They won't stop until everyone knows how clever, important and fresh they are. Also abashed, vivacious, recondite, plucky and didactic. Ironically, no one who possesses these qualities ever needs to convince anyone of it.
Case Example 1: Have you ever discovered how many languages someone speaks before you've learnt their name?
Self importance is the key here. They aren't important. Important people don't have time to tell others how amazing they are before having an actual conversation. Turn around and slowly walk away as they're speaking more about themselves.
Step 2. Assess if you are the victim of pretentious people.[edit | edit source]
Pretentious people don't talk about someone else without a final destination in mind. Something sinister always occurs. The point is to quickly and confusingly steer the conversation back to themselves. No one realises this until it is too late.
Case Examples 2-4:
- A woman compliments another woman's purse while flashing her own with an enormous price tag dangling.
- A friend asks another friend how their Stephen King book is while they prepare their oratory on 16th century Italian poetry.
- A secretary asks a fellow secretary how they manage their tasks and then tells them what's wrong with everything. Then how to do it better. Apparently...without her...the company would fall apart.
Their own insecurities are so ingrained they must validate themselves to everyone, all the time...especially people they've just met. If that person is you...know how to get out of the pickle it before your brain bleeds.
Step 3: Assess all the different ways people are pretentious to you.[edit | edit source]
The pretentious animal knows that he is bland, unoriginal and fearful of reality. To escape this he attempts to inflate his worth to those above them or to demean and bully those around them bringing them down to his own gruesome level.
Case Example 5: A pseudo artist updates his blog with minimalist blank images of lonely lighthouses in an empty sea with the text: a commentary on the meaninglessness of intransinistic spaciality in both temps (French for time) and temporalinicity (sensible in no language). By sporking someone else's image and putting it on his blog, it makes it seem like the image is somehow his and thus demonstrates his cleverness and worth propelling him up to the real artist's greatness. By writing incomprehensible but seemingly meaningful words underneath, he confuses the couple people who read the blog, making them doubt themselves and feel less intelligent than they are.
DEALING WITH pretentious people[edit | edit source]
Method 1: Ignore them.[edit | edit source]
A rarely used classic but successful tactic: smile and ignore. Without a reaction the pretentious buffoon will feel even more insecure. They will have to find new victim. While silence can be awkward for both parties rest assured the pretentious baby will feel far more distressed than you. Silence is the most potent poison for the pretentious and you should ignore their pants off.
Method 2: Ask 'why?'[edit | edit source]
Always ask "why?" Multiple times. They never seem to know why they think what they think.
Case Example 6: A friend of a friend talks about a trip to Canada with its clean wholesome socialism. She simply wants to go and live there forever with its safe streets, polite shop attendants and lovely colourful money. Everything is better than here and she belongs where things are better.
Now, ask her "why are you talking about your trip to Canada, I barely know you." While this may seem tactless, the directness of the question brings our pretentious animal back down to earth and it helps you set limits. She will go find a new victim.
Case Example 7: A friend of a friend has bought a suave pink business shirt from an expensive place by a famous designer. He doesn't stop talking about it.
Now ask him: "Why is this shirt so important? Why should I care about another man's shirt? Why are you talking to me? Why would you pay $700 to look like a fag? And in what straight bar would you ever pick up a chick wearing that?"
This is a very rude tone but the pretentious animal doesn't understand rude. They are rudeness personified. Trust me.
If Case Example 6 mentions Canada again ask her "Why don´t you go move there already?" She never will. This will wind her for a short moment.
Method 3: Check for depth[edit | edit source]
Because you're stupid, you will know that most of what you say is unfounded nonsense. The good news is, this is the case for everyone, including pretentious people.
Case Example 8: A partygoer peppers his foodie talk with lilted Italian terminology; ask him if he speaks the language. There is almost no wrong answer here. If he says, "No", simply reply, "oh, ok" and let the verbal fart hang in the air. If he says, "A bit", say that a friend of yours speaks Italian and says it's a language where it's easy to make a start, but hard to get proficient. Best of all, if he says "Yes", interrupt his talk on Tuscan salads by asking him to repeat, and then spell, certain ingredients. Hold your smart phone in your hand, as though you are about to Google what he says.
Case Example 9: At a soirée, a haughty gentleman espouses the virtues of a classic author. Say, "I read an article about him the other day. It wasn't about that book, it was one his lesser known ones, what was it called?" This is a useful tactic to see if the speaker has any idea of any of the other books written by that author, and has the benefit that, even if he manages to name several others, you can repeatedly, "No, not that one, a less famous one."
Method 4: Passive-aggressive/Plain passive.[edit | edit source]
In some cases, a violent attack is unseemly or inappropriate, in which case a gentle deflating can be helpful. One saving grace of designer clothes is that many brands have been around for decades. If an elegant young poseur seems proud of what he is wearing, use the following script:
You: Who is this by?
Him: It's Armani, actually.
You: I thought so! D'you know, my grandfather - he was a very traditional man - insisted on wearing Armani stuff? The abiding memories of my grandfather are the smell of his cigars, his tube of poligrip by the bed, and his Armani sweaters.
However, if the pretentious goblin is your boss you have to bite the bullet and rein in even these forward offensives. Pretend you're listening. Think about where to do lunch. Recall the fun days of youth. Imagine screwing his wife.
Method 5: Violently attack the person.[edit | edit source]
After the twelfth time some guy expresses shock that you've never tried lobster tortellini you will want to destroy him. Sucker punch him. He will feel even more insecure with his nose in a splint. He will look extra ridiculous while quoting Proust or Camus. If she is a woman, trip her down the stairs and blame it on her $2000 high heels.
Method 6: Sex.[edit | edit source]
Nailing the guy's wife every week will do much to assuage the discomfort of listening to his twitterings.
His wife will likely ride any chump, even if you are poorly endowed. If you smile and listen to her, she will get wild and naughty. Give her flowers or a compliment - she hasn't heard one in decades. She will smile like never before, straining those face muscles that haven't worked in years.
When your boss talks about his Mediterranean cruises, the waiting list for his unborn kid's preschool or a new cheese at $50 a kilo, you can picture his wife doing very exotic things with you. It helps.
Method 7: Murder the person.[edit | edit source]
You only live once.