HowTo:Resurrect The Career Of A 1980s Television Or Film Star

Who?

As we all know, a man, by the name of Charles Norris, has seen his career burst back into life with the introduction of Chuck Norris Facts into our otherwise meaningless lives. Mr.T, too, has returned into popular culture thanks to armies of fans (or people who just like to take the piss) congregating on the interweb. And that's all very well and good.

But!

Why does this have to happen to just these two? Surely there are more, less famous 1980s television and film stars out there, who desperately need the attention of a 14-year old, who has too much time and Dorito crumbs on his hands?

AND THAT'S WHERE WE COME IN!!!

Criteria

• Done fuck all in the past erm....10 years.
• Will do reunion movies or specials.
• Has some crazy beliefs.
• Has/had a comic related to them.
• Has ridden the mighty moon worm.
• Drink problems.
• Ditto gambling.
• Ditto cocaine.
• Possibly yet to retrieve lost marbles.

It helps that you look like you've just seen a bunch of young boys playing beside a fire hydrant.

Things that also help

• Having a face with all the appeal of a paedophile.

• Having three hearts and five kidneys.

Therefore...

Let's go with Larry Hagman, J.R. himself.

Why?

Well, he doesn't exactly do much nowadays does he? And hopefully he'll be dead before the lawyers have to come to my door.

Fake Bio

Larry Hagman is an actor and professional arse-kicker who lives wherever the hell he likes. Larry's career was sky high until his friend, Roland Rat died. Larry misses Roland. Maybe he shouldn't have sold him the junk in the first place.

Larry misses Roland. Larry should've gotten better gear from that faggot, Zippy.

Although Larry continued his arse-kicking duties, without Roland cracking jokes and cracking crack beside him, he just didn't have it in him anymore.

"Facts"

Example:

“ Larry Hagman has started a charity to help the bereaved families of those he killed. Hey, he's an honorable man. Pity he only kills entire families. ”

The best way to resurrect anyone's career is with stupid lies. Facts are also good. Now, remember this is our goal;

Therefore, we must start at once.

Strength

Eats dolomite for breakfast, etc.,

Okay, first of all, most "facts" deal with strength. Now, yer man J.R. is hitting 70, so a lot of lying must be done to cover this up.

Example:

“ Larry Hagman once stared at a wall. It crumbled out of fear. ”

Stupid, yes. Nonsensical, yes. Which is why it belongs on the internet.

Example:

“ Larry Hagman's semen is what makes Snickers so manly. ”

Again, patented nonsense. First of all, no one likes Snickers. Second, why use his semen? Third, Larry Hagman isn't that manly. But, this is Uncyc, lest we forget. Sense doesn't figure here.

Example:

“ You might have heard of Taurine, the ingredient used in Red Bull. They were originally going to used "Extract of Larry Hagman", but whenever people drank it, their throats exploded. ”

Extract? Ewwww.

As said before, strength is usually the breadmaker. It's also best to liberally (damn liberals) steal from well known ficitonal works;

Example:

“ Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... Superman never did beat Larry Hagman at catch. ”

Hyperpotencey

As in, "Whenever <insert name here> whips it out in front of a lady, the baby that just came out then has a baby."

Example:

“ Whenever Larry walked into the set of Dallas, everyone became pregnant, even the cameramen. ”

Not only is this just stupid, it was nicked from The Stig.

Example:

“ Much like God, when you see Larry's O face, you die. ”

Like he ever has sex anymore.

Example:

“ Larry's catchphrase "Hello, darlin'" came from his love of surprise sex. ”

NO. NO NO NO NO NO.

Disease

You might have heard the one about Norris's tears curing cancer, 'cept he never cries. If you think that's bullshit...

Example:

“ Whenever Hagman smiles, millions of kids around the world are cured of their ailments. Pity they die of rectal trauma a few minutes afterward. ”

What? Not only is this silly, it's claiming he's a rapist!

Example:

“ Do you want to know how they stopped the spread of avain flu? Larry unhinged his jaw, and swallowed all birds whole. ”

Remember, all you need for to write a meme for Uncyclopedia is a crayon.

Anger

Well, old people are always angry about something, no?

Example:

“ When Larry Hagman gets angry, air raid sirens go off. ”

I'm just running out of things now.

Example:

“ Once, Larry had his paintings (for he is an accomplished painter, obviously) put on exhibition in an art gallery. They were painted with the blood of the art critics that went to his last one. ”

Top of my head, TOP OF MY HEAD!

Although, strength usually stems from anger, visible examples of strength like..

“ Larry's father's remains lay in a urn. He wasn't cremated, Larry tried to fit him into the urn. While he was still alive. ”

..can be different from say..

“ If you prank call Larry, not only will there be no walls in your house, all your furniture will be made of your parents bones. ”

Pure Awesomeage

Cause a 74 year old man is, like, TEH COOLEST THING EVA!!!

Example:

“ If you try and imagine how awesome Larry Hagman is, you a splode. ”

No I don't.

Example:

“ Larry can kill everyone in the world twice over. ”

Including himself?

Failing that

If facts don't catch on, and, hey, they never do, you can always starts a cult around Dallas, or I Dream Of Jeannie. However, I'm gonna take it one step further.

The Big Bus

What is it?

Only the greatest film ever. Larry has only a small cameo, but he's in there! I'm gonna watch it tonight, 'cause I've nothing else to do!

So, is it actual fandom gone wild, or just heavy, heavy irony?

I honestly couldn't say. It depends whether you're actually a child of the 80's, or some smart arse who reads Something Awful.

Finally

Please, please, please don't bring Kenny Everett back from the dead. We don't need to re-live the 80's.

See Also

• A old black man who has Parkinson's or something
• A Republican. How can a fucking Republican be cool?
• Stereotype YOU!