HowTo:Purchase Porn

The following was transcribed from a lecture at USC given by Dr. Kahn Wesley-Banbary.

Welcome, gentlemen. I hope you had a sufficiently pleasing journey here.

This guy knows how to use a trenchcoat and hat... learn from him.

"Hello gentlemen, and good afternoon. First of all, I wish to thank those who donated to the Give-A-Hooker-A-Home box outside, just in that alley over there. Your donations will not go amiss. Also, is there a Mr Tobias Johnson here? One of the staff found a briefcase outside filled with unused condoms and labelled with your name. No? OK. Now, as you all know, this lecture is all about the elegant art of purchasing pornographic materials. Before I start, I must make sure that you are supposed to be buying this sort of "material". To do this I have written a list of things you must be.

• You must be male

Alright! Gentlemen! Welcome to this twelve minute presentation on how you can go into any newsagents and buy some sweet, sweet porno for yourself, your lady friend or even your identical twin sister! Firstly, you need to have the the necessary materials together to get this job done seriously and so that your true identity is not discovered. There are three main pieces of equipment you must have for this operation. Firstly and foremostly, you loveable yet 'really desperate people, is the trenchcoat. It is no longer your enemy in the shadows waiting to pounce. The trenchcoat is your friend! Take it out shopping or swimming with you! For the purchasing of pornography, however, you must keep your relationship with it short and sweet. It has two main uses to your ordeal.

First and foremostly, this piece of dense, long, flowy coats looks cool when you walk around corners when open. This is god for Operation: Hustler because it gives you an enormous sense of well-being. Picture this. You are walking to the end of the block and then suddenly you decide to turn the corner. Normally, your clothes would stay with your body as you turned and make you look like a normal, desperate guy. However, this time you have your lovely, flowing coat on, which is down to your ankles, and as you turn the corner by a delay of about one second you hear this beautiful swooshing noise which almost cuts through the air. You stop and think "Fuck yeah!" before you continue walking on.

Nice.

Secondly, it makes you look shady. Yeah, you are normally told by your parents,"Get outside and stop playing behind the computer you fucking albino!" but when buying the good shit your parents don't really know what you are doing if you are wearing a trenchcoat. They'll probably think you were out for the night going round killing girls and boys in your neighbourhood who put you down when you asked them to prom, so they probably won't care. If you are unfortunate to have really law-abiding parents then you may be investigated to the police and linked to local crimes involving rapes and murders but hell! You got some porn out of it! The other point about being shady for the rest of you is that no-one will know who you are when you go into the newsagents at the corner of your junior high/high school/college/doctor/dentist's practice/office building, which will provide you with an extra sense of security when carrying the goods back to your storage device.

Next up is the hat. Yes, you need one. There isn't much explanation needed here other than if you can hide your face not many people can see your fugly face! I kid, I kid. Don't worry. Oh, come on now! Get out of that corner! Stop sulking! Do sulkers get lollipops? No, of course they don't now come up here and get your reward size Chupa Chup. You know... Chupa Chup comes from the Spanish to suck. Which is what you do! Your sulking again. I'm going to have to take that off you again... Do you want that? Well then stop sulking and starting sucking! Well you already suck but I meant in the other way! Oh. You're gay? Sorry. I didn't know. I apologise my joke seems really dodgy now. Can I please inform everyone that I am not a gay basher and it was just an insult taken out of context? Did everyone get that? You didn't? Why the fuck not!? Oh... okay... Can I also state that I am not against disabilities? Good. Now can I get back on with the lecture? Yes, I will stop insulting everybody, Will. (snooty cunt...)

Finally, my favourite item, everybody! Guess why! Yes, that is right! It is the 12" tube sock! Now most of you can only think of one reason why I have a sock like this right! Look at this guy! Yeah! On the front row! Yeah, he's drooling! Anyway, this sock is not only used for the reasons that this guy here can think of but it is also used to carry your exact change in to buy your magazine. Think about it. The newsshop owner obviously has seen your wallet or purse on numerous occasions but at what time did he ever see anyone go into his shop with a tubesock filled with small change? Exactly. And once you have used this sock you obviously use it like that crazy guy down there. And if you are female you just put the cucumber inside the sock and then put the cucumber inside the other sock if you know what I mean! That girl at the back does! Hey! Sweety! My number is on the last slide!

Okay. So now you understand where your $50 is going but what is more important is HOW you go about purchasing your, umm, materials. Obviously you can't just stride in and buy porn like it's the Variety. Porn. It's more like the New York Post if you are Republican or Conservative. Obviously, if you are Conservative, conservative porn (or "Conservaporn") would probably be an easier solution. At least it doesn't contatin gay materials. Unless you are Roman Catholic. Yes. You are right, that means I have now broken every single taboo in the English language. Well, except very strong racism, but no-one but some fucking nigger is going to sway me from that one! Wait, sir, please don't go...

Now to kind of make it up to you Republicans who I just insulted (fucking gay bashers...), I will tell you how to purchase porn and still retain some self respect. Well, not really. You'll understand in a second. To do this more y'know... Texas friendly way of purchasing the magazines you desire let's presume that I am you. I have my trenchcoat, hat and I have my tubesock in my pocket. Now let's presume that thing over there is the retailer who just happens to be a fucking darkie and that this box of Tide is in fact Splosh magazine, my particular favourite. Now watch this. I am going over to the sea-breeze fresh Tide and now I am going to put on a really disgusted face. Pretend Obama is President. I know that'll annoy you Bible belt pricks. Who would prefer a 70-year old conservative?

Then you just saunter over to that fucking negro and say the most horrible words a liberal could possibly say.

A "member" of Fox News.

Guess where the sock is...

"I work for Fox News and this is the latest liberal scandal!". Excuse me. I need to... vomit... T-t-then ***eeeurghhh blughh ohh buuurghhh*** THEN you pull your tubesock out of your pocket put it on the counter and walk away feeling disgusted with yourself for purchasing something so liberal. I mean whoever heard of people being turned on by 'cake-sitting' and so called 'baked-bean poolz'. Then obviously you do the nasty in your Fox News van. Or Proton.

Now the final part of my lecture is the liberal way of purchasing the good ol' monkey spanking mag. Now this is even easier. Let's reset the positions and we now have that nice gay Pakistani immigrant over there and a lovely copy of a magazine with every type of pornography on the planet. Now you can do this literally however you want. Most of the time the best way to do it is by just walk in like you are browsing normal magazines, you know, PC Guide, Scientology Monthly, that sort of thing, and pull one off, hand it over and then hand over the money. And because the guy behind the counter thinks that you are Inspector Gadget from the television you have no problem, although that kids' channel is going to get a lot of complaints.

Thank you for your time. I was Dr. Kahn Wensley-Barbarey and I hope that this guide helps you toss the salad or fill your hairy taco tonight. Oh yes, also don't forget to donate to Give-A-Hooker-A-Home, and good night!