HowTo:Get Super Powers
~ Captain Obvious on his limited Super Powers“Technically I'm a super hero :D”
~ Bruce Wayne on Super Powers“You know, the ladies don't call me super man for no reason”
~ Superman on his other Super powers“I believe as the worlds greatest nation and super power, will lead the world in to a new age”
So you want a superpower, do you? Fancy costume? Cool name? Superhero benefits? Secret identity? All the women? (or men) Well then, you're going to have to follow these steps to get the power, or if you're a greedy fuck, powers you want. You can also order the special step by step superpower DVD by Abstergo Industries, hosted and narrated by Christopher Walken and Steven Seagal. Not all these steps will appeal to all; for instance, if you want to go solo than you might want to ignore the getting a partner section.
OK, so what power do you want? this is the most important decision you'll make. You don't want to choose a power you'll later regret, like Subtracting Man or Visible Woman. For more info on this, see our list of the world's most useless super heroes. Be creative with your power. Think to yourself, "How would the world benefit or de-benefit (if you're going to be a super villain) from my power?" Your power needs to reflect your personality. For instance, The Magician loves magic and used his great skill in magic to his superhero ability. Remember that a cool power can also give you a cool name and stylish costume along with a great logo. Logos are very important, because they give your image and brand.
Below is a list of superpowers, and additional methods we advise you read. They are useful and will help people in times of great need, but don't try to be cool and get your own power. It won't work, and you'll just end up looking like a twat, very much like Twat-Man and Verrjina.
- 1. Flying
This is very important because every superhero needs to fly, or at least glide. There's nothing more pathetic than to watch a "Super Hero" showing up to a crime scene on a scooter or out of breath, too tired to fight the criminals.
- 2. Strength
You need to be able to throw a good punch or you're gong to look stupid. You need to hit or kick your enemies around 2-3 times before they become unconscious. You also need to be strong enough to hold them over your head. It also helps if you can rip through metal doors and ballads like tissue.
- 3. Vision.
The most common superpower is the ability to have laser vision to fry the fuck out of metal obstacles. Another eye power is to be able to see things the the typical human eye could not see from far away. 20x20 vision is Ok, you just can't keep fighting people who "kind of look like" the bank robbers.
- 4. Hearing.
Superheroes can't be deaf, so your hearing needs to be good enough to hear what someone else is hearing a few miles to a few feet away. It also helps to be a good listener, because as a superhero, you will be tied up by your enemies a few times, who will give you a full detailed description of their plan to kill you and their future plans for the city/country/world when you're dead.
- 5. Location
A superhero needs a place to watch over. You can't be greedy like that prick Superman, going off and saving what part of the world you want to when you feel like it. Pick a place with a lot of crime, like America or Asia. Europe is a good place, but stick to a capital city. It's no good having the power of one thousand sun's and sticking to a small village in the English countryside like Captain Britain.
- 6. Base.
You have to have a house, cave, lab, ship, or anything where you can class as a secret base. It can even be a caravan, especially if you use it to its advantage, and move location from time to time. This place will be the forefront of all your superhero operations. Here you will plan your attacks and counterattacks on your enemies.
- 7. Alter Ego/Secret Identity
YOU NEED AN ALTER EGO AND/OR SECRET IDENTITY. If you're a super hero with a very distinctive personality you can't go round in public and talk as you would if you were working. It doesn't help shouting out aloud in the supermarket what you are doing and are going to do as you do it. Also... wear different clothes, or at least wear a pair of clothes over your super ones, because you want to keep your identity secret. That doesn't mean you need to be anti-social, though, so get out there and talk to people. One enemy will evetually discover who you are and use the ones closest to you against you. One helpful tip is to pretend you don't care. It usually works... usually.
- 8. Weakness.
This is the only downfall of any super hero. You NEED a weakness. You can't choose your weakness; you must discover it. Half of the time, it turns out to be something related to giving you your powers in the first place.
- 9. Lost Virginity
I don't care what Peter Parker says, you can't be a super hero if you're a virgin.
- 10. Male
It isn't recommended, but overall, men are better at this job than women are. Most female superheroes are just imitations of their male counterparts, i.e. Aqua-Girl, Bat-Girl, Bat-Woman, Cat-Woman, Hawk-Woman, Hit-Girl, Invisible Woman, Mrs. Freeze, Night Girl, Jenny Quantum, Robin, She-Hulk, Superwoman, etc. So if you're a man, get out there have a go at it. You'll most probably get to your goal. For women, good luck.
Powers Already Taken
It's been along time since the superhero scene first came into the world, and in that time, a lot of powers have been taken and copyrighted by the user. Flying is the only default power given to every super hero. It is a sort of bonus, because you have your unique power and flying as an extra. Don't expect something great, if/when you get yours, we've done some research and here is a list of powers already used, strongest to weakest.
Power of God, Power of Satan, Power of Flying,
How To Get A Power
Ok first of all, some people are born with superpowers. DEAL WITH IT! All the rest of us can do is one day hope to get a superpower, and in the meantime, wonder if that object flying around in the sky is a bird or a plane. Don't worry, your day may come, but it must be an accident or it won't be proper. We can't stress this enough, "IT MUST BE AN ACCIDENT!!!" For people born with out any super ability, to get theirs, it has to be an accident. Whether it's a scientific experiment gone wrong, some fucked up chemicals spill over you, or you are raped or bitten by someone or something with a superpower already, you will not get yours unless it is one of, or relates to any of the above. And no, if you knowingly rape someone with a superpower than you'll most likely give them something. You have to be on the receiving side.
Apart from being a lucky twat and being born with superpowers, there are ways for normal nonsuper folk like us to gain super powers.
Radiation. Long exposure to radiation can go one of two ways. On one hand, you can fall seriously ill and die a very slow excruciating death from radiation poisioning. On the other hand, your body can have a positive chemical reaction to the radiation, and you can become ten times stronger and smarter. The (possessive) reactions your body can have are very diverse amongst individuals, and you can gain one from one hundred different powers, although this is very rare. The chances of getting even one superpower from radiation is one in a billion. You will most probably die. To get close to radiation, you can get a job in or live close by a nuclear power plant, eat pot noodles, or by standing close enough to a nuclear bomb to be hit by the radiation but far away enough without getting obliterated.
Radioactive Creature If you know someone or something that is radioactive, then try and get bitten by them (but following step one, make it look like a convincing accident) somewhere where the skin is soft or near a pulse/main artery. Note that you don't always have to get them to bite you. Saliva, sperm, blood, and urine also carry the superpower gene. If this works, then you'll get a mutant power of whatever bit you. The most recognized of all these is Spider-Man. But others around the world include Crab-Man, Dog-Man, Armadillo-man, Chimp-Man, Venus-Fly-trap-Man, Woman-Cat, Mosquito-Man, Pig-Man, Lamar-Man, Man-Man, Man-Woman, Crazy Frog-Man, and many more.
Bizarre Accident Now this is the main one we all love to follow, one its the most interesting because its so unexpected and you feel so fucking great about yourself after the shock and peril has subsided, two what caused your powers is mostly the only thing that can destroy it again, so you know your own weakness which is always to have a cinematic head to head with your arch enemy. We have very few tips on this section, all we can say is just go for it! Any thing that life throws at you go for it because your accident wont happen when your sitting round on your ass watching T.V.
W.M.D. If you have enough money and the intelligence then why not build yourself some super powers. Build weapons that you can use against your enemies. This can range from cool home made bombs to weapons bought at your local shop or even home made ones. The one thing you have against your enemies is that they don't know your not a super hero, so don't let on that you are and don't do anything stupid like bleeding if they shoot you. You need to let your enemies know your in control. If it helps use smoke and mirrors to gain the appearance of super powers.
Sell Your Soul When all else has failed, and your still alive, then sell your soul to Satan for super powers. Doing this has it's immediate advantages and disadvantages, one of the advantages you can have any and/or every power you want in exchange for your measly little soul. The main disadvantage over this is when the time comes Satan will come for you and torture you throughput eternity. It does sound bad but look on the bright side, if you chose a super hero life and not a villain than all the bad people you killed will be there also getting in on the fun. You can not use your powers to escape from hell, even if you ask for a hell escaping power you will lose it when you die. Also, if you ask for immortality as well there is a loop hole Satan can work around, so... yeah its all legal. DO NOT BE ALARMED IF SATAN APPEARS AS HILARY CLINTON that is his modern day forms.
So you've got your powers, now you need a costume. Let the costume reflect your powers. If your powers are in, don't do something stupid like wearing a stereotypical costume with the underpants on the outside and a mask over your eyes, because people can tell what you look like, and a thin strand of cloth with two eye holes is not going to cover that. Don't wear a costume that's way over the top, extremely heavy, and slows you down.