HowTo:Click with a mouse

You could end up looking as healthy and sociable as this guy!

So, you're an octogenarian. You're bored with all those things such as "books" and "television". You don't have the energy for "sports" any more. Your teenage grandson (or is it great-grandson? You forget.) has just come round with his spunky new top-of-the-range laptop, and regailed you with a load of talk that you don't understand. A "3Ghz Dual-Core Processor". A "160GB Hard Drive". However, you're still bored, and this computer thing looks fairly exciting. There is something you need to know, though, and that is how to click with a "computer mouse".

Getting Started

Well, the first thing you need is a mouse. You can buy one at places called "computer stores". These are weird places, often crammed full of nerds; it's often advisable to take some protection, such as...

• Oxygen Tank
• Nerd-to-English Dictionary
• Umbrella/Walking Stick
• Non-relevant/Unacceptable Coupons (One of them will eventually work)

Finding a "Computer Store"

Once you've got all those, you need to find a computer store. If you're living in Yokeltown, Arkansas, Little Snoozing, Devonshire,or Florida then you should give up now, since places like those don't tend to have computer stores.

If you live in a city, then you may also have trouble. Most cities these days are overpopulated with trendy coffee shops, the computer store's largest natural predator. However, there will normally be a computer store that is still alive. It's just a question of finding it. Look in places you wouldn't expect, for the computer store is an elusive creature. For example computer stores may turn up in the ghetto (this occurs because black people have no interest in computers for good reasons).

Inside the Store

Once you've found a computer store, enter with caution. Nerds are highly dangerous creatures, that are easily spooked. Most nerds don't know many "old people", and therefore will be rather curious to watch your behaviour patterns. It's best to ignore them.

If a nerd does happen to approach you, it is best to give them a quick kneecap with your umbrella or walking stick, drop any items you are carrying, then run like hell out of the store, before the nerds/security guards get you.

Once you find some computer mice, take the cheapest. Remember, it's only to practice with. Don't let that sales clerk bully you into buying an expensive one; if he does, shake your umbrella/stick threateningly. Salespeople are a species that need to be shown who's boss.

Once outside, run as fast as you can, and pray the nerds don't follow you. You can pat yourself on the back for getting out of there alive, because many people don't.

The big question: "How do I use of this thing?"

What to Do with Your New Mouse

Contrary to popular belief, the computer mouse is not operated with the feet. It is operated with the hand. Take your new mouse out of its box. If it's made of plastic, you've got the right kind of mouse. If it's small and furry, feed it to your cat or throw it into the neighbour's garden and start again. Make sure it's a computer shop you're in this time, not a pet shop. If this occurs several times, go to an optician's.

Put your mouse on a table. If it squeaks and runs away, start again. If it doesn't move, then lay your hand on it and move it around. Now for the tricky part... clicking. Just press one finger that is on the mouse downwards... release the finger... now the same with the other one. Congratulations. You've learned how to click with a mouse. Now you just need to phone up that nerdy (great-?)grandson and ask for a computer. Remember to hint that you'll leave him a little extra in your will. The joke'll be on him when he finds out how little money you actually have.