HowTo:Be a vampire

Vampirism is the stuff of legends, popularized by Bram Stoker's universally known blood-gargler, Count Dracula, and to a lesser extent the Count Chocula of General Mills fame. Here we present a HowTo guide to becoming a vampire.

Why become a vampire?

They walk among us, blending in until it is time to feed.

You realized at an early-age that you're somehow different to everyone else. Perhaps you see events before they occur, or maybe you possess the uncanny ability to guess the result of a coin-toss in around 50% of your attempts. You never quite felt the same as everyone else. Basic biology is telling you that you really are 9,999,999 in a million, but you know that you're more special than these sheeple.

You'll quickly find that what you can physically prove is unimportant. All that matters is what you claim yourself to be on random Internet forums. Being a vampire is pretty sweet. They have supernatural powers (you don't). They are charming and cunning (you aren't). You can however dress strangely and tell people that you're a vampire, and you will certainly find much support from the vampire and otherkin communities that plague Deviant Art.

The basics of vampirism

The vampire lifestyle is remarkably flexible, but there are some core features of vampires that must be acknowledged. Fortunately vampirism, like most phoney-baloney new-age belief systems, is pretty vague.

Vampires must feed

Perhaps one of nature's most magical sights is a creepy guy in evening dress awaking a busty maiden from her slumber in order to rip her throat open and gorge himself on her rich blood as it pumps from her body. This however is problematic for modern vampires.

1. It's illegal, even in Mexico
2. People who go around murdering people for their blood are more commonly termed psychopaths than vampires
3. Drinking human blood is not as cool as it appears, and is quite nauseating

Ethical issues aside, vampires tend to be aware that men with eyeliner and painted nails do not fare well in prison. The practice of feeding on blood is known as sanguinarian vampirism, and as we've learnt, is both unpleasant and risky. The alternative is to adopt psychic vampirism. Psychic vampires use their magickal powers™ to drain psychic sustenance from their victims - in many cases without the need for any physical contact. This is particularly useful when your appearance at parties is met with the greeting "get away from me, you fat goth loser freak".

Vampires can opt for a hybrid approach in which they rely on their psychic feeding to keep them alive, but on occasion find a willing friend who'll provide them with a thimble full of blood to sip while watching Twilight.

Vampires catch fire when exposed to sunlight

This would appear to be a show-stopper. Your failure to crumble in to dust on nice sunny day should certainly harm your credibility as a vampire, but that is not the case. Some vampires are fortunate to have legitimate medical issues that cause them to develop a nasty rash when in the sun, and some are just ginger or have a genetic mutation that causes them to sparkle like glitter, attracting preschool and kindergarten teachers, and some birds, to their cute glitter. Most respectable vampires prefer not to associate with vampires that have the glitter disorder. Rumor has it that the glittery ones were descended from pastel goth vampires. Most vampires, however could happily enjoy an afternoon at the beach, and probably will have to when their parents insist that they spend some time outdoors. Vampires have three basic options:

1. Secrete flammable materials about oneself, to be surreptitiously lit when forced to venture out in to the sun. The vampire can tailor the materials to achieve anything from raging inferno to slight smoldering. The latter is generally safer.
2. Keep telling people how much you dislike the sun and perhaps scowl when mother opens the curtains, but ultimately treat sunlight as more an annoyance than a serious threat. Or, complain that the sun from the window is blinding your monitor (especially if you are a teen in a game guild or working from home) or TV screen (especially if you are playing console games or your favorite show on the weekend). This is lame, but the best you'll get unless you have a real sun-related disorder or the balls to set yourself alight.
3. Walk around in the buff or in sexy undies with a long cape, inside with blinds and curtains closed, and insist that any beach you go to, is a nudist beach. Female vampires, be sure to also wear blood red lipstick. (Works best for sexy young adult vampires with liberal roommates.)

Your image

Vampires of fiction displaced humans at the top of food chain through a combination of strength and guile. They either hid well or disguised themselves so they could blend-in and walk the world without drawing undue attention to themselves. You however are going to take a different tack. Just as Wicca is pointless unless Wiccans have the opportunity to bore people their pseudo-religious chicanery, being a vampire is pointless if you don't stand out like a sore-thumb wearing a tacky skull ring and with the nail painted black or, for female vampires, dark red (preferably blood red), long, and manicured to a sharp pointy point. Black hair is a must: dye your hair if you do not have naturally black, blue black hair, or black hair streaked with white or red highlights. Be sure to wear clothing that was in fashion about 200 or 300 years ago. Think of the Lestat character in Queen of the Damned minus supernatural powers, a successful band, and a general aura of cool. That can be you!

Basic appearance

Male vampires are aiming for darkly colored garb - ideally vintage dark blue or black evening-wear. If color was the only important factor then ninjas and vampires would be indistinguishable from one-another. Ninjas dress for concealment and ease of movement. Your outfit should make you incredibly visible when you're sitting at the mall enjoying a box of friend chicken. Wear eyeliner, but be wary of using excessive amounts of make-up. Many a socially-challenged loser has set-out to become a vampire, but in reality more closely resemble Boy George in funeral-wear.

Female vampires will adopt a similar style to their male counterparts, but they'll be attractive in a weird kind of way. Go for the goth look and you're there. If looking for a guide then try to imagine how the daughter of Death would dress. Unlike goths, female vampires are not required to weigh upwards of 300 pounds unless they are also Wiccans. Make-up is important, and to be applied liberally. Generally the vampire will focus on darker shades, such as black and a deep-red, and will apply it in such a way as to resemble a black and white Ronald McDonald.

Teeth

Most vampires are not fortunate enough to naturally have extended canine teeth, but this problem is easily resolved. There are a number of options open to vampires.

Oddly arousing in an attention-seeking kind of way

1. Claim that your teeth only come out when feeding
2. They fell out (vampire gingivitis)
3. You deliberately file-down your teeth in order to blend-in
4. Get a job and have your teeth surgically enhanced
5. Buy a set of plastic fangs from a joke-shop

If you should decide to wear visible fangs then certainly be aware that you should never allow yourself to appear in a photo unless you're opening your mouth in such a way that they can always be seen. You may have to change the way you talk in order to enhance visibility of your fangs. Unfortunately this will likely result in a lisp, but such things matter little to a denizen of the night whose dad can pay for reparative speech-therapy when their 28-year-old offspring finally grows out of playing vampires.

Fleshing out your belief system

As explained earlier, the vampire lifestyle is remarkably flexible. Vampirism is totally compatible with just about any religion, so long as you want it to be. While vampire Muslims are rare, yet very cool, many vampires see no obvious problems in mixing eternal life fed with the blood of innocents with Christianity and any number of new-age what-the-fuckery, such as paganism. Even if it seems as sensible as self-identifying as a celibate rapist - just mix in anything that sounds cool.

New-born vampires who require assistance in defining their beliefs should pay a visit to the forums of Don Henrie - a vampire who's so successful that he has a website. His forums provide a home to disenfranchised vampires who have not been officially diagnosed as being mentally ill.

Case studies

Pro-top: There is a fine line between Nosferatu and Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Don Henrie, you're doing it wrong.

Vampirism should not be taken lightly, so take some time to study the techniques of the professionals.

Don Henrie

Don "Boy George" Howie is an advanced level WTF and one of the more prominent vampires in the internets. Known as "The Vampire Don", she runs a site for "special" people who were banned from furry sites for being a bit too strange. As well as occasional Television appearances when producers need to fill time the popular Tuesday 3am slot, she also invites her horde of blood-drinkers to help pay her bills when being a self-proclaimed immortal vampire is paying slightly less than a job packing groceries.

Imagine Marilyn Manson without the musical ability. Multiple the ego to the level of a man with the brain of einstein and the dick of a horse and you kind of get the idea.

Morrigan

"im a sang vampire i do desire blood i am a pagan, wiccan ,druid,budhist (my dad was a budhist ,still is just not a practaceing one, and i chose to honour his choice)"

Morrigan developed a technique through which vampires can confuse the world by adopting what appears to be a total mishmash of incompatible beliefs. The steps are as follows:

1. Write the names of religions, some random nouns, and the names of your favorite breakfast cereal on small slips of paper. Arrange these slips on a hardwood table.
2. Smack your face continuously against the table. As a vampire you won't mind if you taste some blood.
3. On regaining consciousness you'll fid your face caked with blood and answer! Peel off the blood-sodden slips of paper and base your belief system on them.

Congratulations! You are now a Seventh Day Adventist Sugar Puffs Odinist Nazi Vampire.

Brucifer Edinger

"Brucifer" is a recognized master of mixing hitherto incompatible mythological beings whenever he feels the need to upgrade his speciallness.

In June of 2010 Brucifer introduced himself to the world as a hybrid vampire (eats blood and psychic power), and totally unlike fellow vampires, from the outset commented on how he has always felt a bit special.

By November Brucifer had remembered that as well as being a vampire he was also a shape-shifting wolf. Such a thing is obviously easy to forget.

Conclusion

By following our advice and that given by our experts you will very quickly be ready to embark on a life in the shadows of society. Some will not understand your curiously new-found vampirism, or your apparent aversion to drinking the blood you claim necessary to maintain your immortality, and some may even comment cruelly when your immortal life comes to an end - but this is just because mortals don't understand how special you are.