History of Serbia
The Beginning[edit | edit source]
Brandy, winning and religion were all invented in Serbia, marking the upturn of human civilization. After Jesus, 17 Roman Emperors were born in Serbia, which is second only to Italy. (Suck on that Albania!! ) Everything was going swell until Constantine was born in north Serbia, and the Greeks had to flee. Then, with the Greeks out of the way, the land was open for the White Serb to come and settle the dankest people ever. The Serbs would then rule the Balkans, fighting everyone within reach, as the Byzantine Empire's protectors. Then the Ottoman Empire came and spoiled all the fun.
Serbs' first contact with Roman Empire was in 31AD, when the Serb army was decimated by two sleeping toddlers. Chiefs of Serbian tribes, after a night of heavy drinking, decided that it would "be hot" to go invade Rome, which they promptly did. Multi-party constitutional democracy was instituted; much more liberal than the old Roman Republic, and Rome reached new Golden Age in a few short months. However, since they were defeated by a handful of drunken barbarians, Roman historians decided to ignore this period after the Serbs sobered up and went home to get breakfast, leaving emperor Tiberius free to restore old Imperial system.
Subsequent Serbian adventures mildly annoyed other people of that age in south Europe, and the mighty Hun force was immediately accepted as a saviour by those poor victims of Serb oppression and Serb lack of personal hygiene. Nowadays, this is widely regarded as a gross miscalculation.
Serbia is a fascinating nation as it is the only nation to operate on a parallel timeline compared to the rest of the world. Leading to an alternate history existing in the country often conflicting with other countries. Einstein dubbed it the “Plum Brandy Effect”. Physicists to this day struggle to fully comprehend this phenomenon.
Wars with Ottoman Empire[edit | edit source]
Worst conflict ever for Serbian people was one with Ottomans at Battle of Kosovo (or Serbia), in 1389. There, a great Ottoman army was crushed by Serbs, after the battle lasting 17 minutes. Serbs, as said, kicked their butts, but by a lowbrow backstabbing plan plotted by (probably?) the Vatican, Turks got into Serbia somehow and stayed there for a long 500 years to come. None of the modern history's "books" (Serbians refuse to write due to religious beliefs) don't tell anything about the Serbian magnificent victory, but who cares. Serbs celebrated as if they supremely won this battle.
Legend tells that lone Serbian knight, Duke Miloš Obilić, snuck into Turkish camp, and killed Sultan Murat. The knight was later SCUDed by the son of Murat, The great Sultan, Bajazit. Serbs then stopped celebrating.
Until this day a mystery surrounds this epic battle. It is unclear* how Duke Miloš Obilić managed to pass trough Turkish checkpoints and escape using a main battle tank. It is a legend that is passing from generation to generation of Serbs and still inspiring new warriors to continue this unfair battle. Some say Miloš was on the dark side, some say he was just another guy from local fitness club who joined war for fun.
Great sultan Bajazit was very angry when he found out that some Serbian bodybuilder killed his father. So angry that he launched a SCUD missile directly on party that Serbs made to celebrate battle loss. After smoke has cleared and decontamination was done, sad news was spreading, Miloš was dead.
- This is just in. The latest on how Mr. Miloš got the idea to go and assassinate the sultan. Apparently his wife Jelena and her sister Mara, a wife of a local drug lord and businessman Vuk Branković, got into quarrel who's pencil is sharper, Vuk's or Miloš's. So Miloš went to Turks to prove it. Also reported as present to the showdown was an unidentified Turkish prince, almost Caucasian and slightly blackish, 5 ft 6, 180 pounds wearing a T-shirt saying "Will SCUD anybody who guts my father".
- One additional piece of folklore based on Miloš Obilić needs debunking: a popular Serbian proverb "Два лоша убише Милоша" (Two bad guys can smite even one Miloš, a free form translation) was actually invented by a foreign battle reporter immediately after the battle of Kosovo. The Order of Templars (precursor to what will become UN) had their war reporters sent over to Kosovo and one of them was stationed near the point of impact of said SCUD missile. The Templar had been enjoying his third or fourth barrel of Serbian refreshing beverage šljivovica at the moment of explosion, and—momentarily grasping the impact of the event—allegedly uttered the words "Too bad, Miloš's dead." This was heard by some Serbs nearby but due to their sense of hearing being impaired partly by the recent explosion and partly by the otherwise beneficial effects of the quantity of šljivovica imbibed, they misinterpreted it as "Two bad, Miloš dead". This didn't make any sense, which made it instantly popular among Serbs surviving the battle of Kosovo.
After five centuries of life under the Ottomans (even though there were some suggestions to try sitting on them) Serbs decided to rise. And so they started the First Serbian uprising, which involved the second most successful Serbian activity: war. For 9 bloody years Karađorđe Petrović led the Serbs through countless victories over the Ottomans only to be overwhellmed as soon as the Turks made peace with Russians. Well, that's life.
When Two Families Go To War[edit | edit source]
Serbian politics for 100 years were dominated by two rival families: The Obrenovićs and the Karađorđevićs. This was a dynastic rivalry that made all others look like a nursery school cage fight. Treachery, depostion, murder and general bad eggery litters Serbian history during this time. At the same time the Serbs were trying to kick the Turks out but also not wanting the Austrians from coming in and taking over. So bad were the politics then that even the other European powers who were happy to ship in a spare royal to become King of Greece, a King of Romania or a King of Bulgaria, the Serbs said 'no thanks, we can provide our own tyrants'. This ding-donging went on until 1903 when the last Obrenovic, King Alexander and his wife Queen Draga were bayoneted in their palace by Peter Karadordevic and his friends after a heavy night out in Belgrade. When I say murdered, butchered was more like. When the killers were finished, Alexander and Draga's remains were carried away in a bucket and fed to the pigs.
War!War!!War!!![edit | edit source]
The new King of Serbia broke off relations with the Austrians (and the Hungarians and the Croats) and made big chummies with Russia. Since the Russians didn't like the Turks either and there was enough of the Ottoman Empire in Europe to grab, this should have meant good news for the heroic Serbs. However, in 1908 the Austrians annexed Bosnia, a territory they had been 'safe keeping' since 1878. What was worse, the Russians had agreed to go along with this! Now Serbia would work alone.
The opportunity came in 1912 when the Ottoman Empire got mugged by the Italians in Libya. With all their soldiers away, the other Balkan kingdoms including Bulgaria, Montenegro and Greece ganged up and took over everything except Constantinople in a victorious campaign. Serbia doubled in size but the Austrians and Italians blocked them from taking over Albania. Then the Bulgarians got upset over some of the secret partition agreements and tried to kick Serbia in revenge. This let to a Second War in the Balkans and this time it was the Bulgarians who got a walloping - losing even to the Romanians and Turks who took the opportunity to attack Bulgaria. As they say, no one has any friends in the Balkans when it comes to politics.
Assassination[edit | edit source]
Serbia's old friend Russia got back in touch as they were still pissed with the Austrians. So with a bit of encouragement, the Serbs sponsored the 'Black Hand Gang' to make it rough for the Austrians in Bosnia. When they got turned away from a gig in Sarajevo to meet Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife Sophie, the Black Handers arranged a car accident and shot Ferdinand and Sophie under the guise of offering to change their tyres. This led to the First World War (also known as the Great War because we won bitches!), because this assassination was pretty much a backhand to Austro-Hungary, Germany's pansy-ass brother
More wars[edit | edit source]
In 1914, Austria-Hungary (called that due to non-existence of Serbia at the time) declared war after assassination of archduke Franz Ferdinand by Gavrilo Princip, a member of Bosnian Pro-Serb Activity group Young Bosnia. Serbs claimed, "he had it coming" because "he was frontin'". War lasted for 4 years because Serbia had bet with France that Serbs could defeat Austrians, Turks and Germans by using nothing except their feces. And they did. France had to give bet money back, and plunged into financial ruin for 30 years to come.
In 1918 Serbia won the First World War and celebrated by annexing their ally Montenegro. This was because King Nicholas of Montenegro had been passing secrets to Vienna about how bad Serbian food was. In addition, the Serbs were given Bosnia, Croatia, Slovenia, bits more of Bulgaria and some slices of Hungary. The new state was called the 'Kingdom of the Slovenes, Serbs and Croats and Others Too Many to Mention'. It was also called 'Jugoslavia' but they allowed other people (like the English) to call it 'Yugoslavia' as they didn't want people to call them 'juggies'.
The Croats and Serbs now found they had to share a state. Though they spoke the same language, the Croats were Pope kissing Catholics (as were the Slovenes). Serbs followed the truth Christian faith whilst the Bosnians were miguided Serbs who had adopted Islam to save on taxes. There were also Hungarians, Germans, Jews, Romanians, Roma Gypsies and just about anyone else who had got lost in Europe and had ended up in Greater Serbia. In 1929 King Alexander officially renamed the country Jugoslavia and this so upset some Croats that they shot the King in Marseilles in 1934 where he had gone to France to ask for some giant weapons to make war on Albania (when the time was right). The Croat assassins also killed the French President two, a double hit bonus extra.
In 1939 Yugoslavia declared itself neutral and invisible but this didn't fool the Germans. They invaded the country and split it up. For those who like their wars nice and simple, this was one area of World War Two where everyone was shooting each other. For example, besides the Germans there were the Italians who wanted to add more of the Dalmatian coast to the bits they had already grabbed earlier after World War One. Then there were the Croats who were split between allies of the Germans and communists, and the Serbs who were split between Serbian royalists (the Chetniks) and communists.
The Allies supported the Serbian Royal family's army as lead by Draža Mihajlović. Hollywood made a film about him too, an embarrassment when the Allies spies said the Chetniks had colloborated with the German army and had been great friends with the future Austrian born United Nations General Secretary Kurt Waldheim in his days as a Nazi officer (the UN's background checking department was very incompotent then). In the end it wasn't the Chetniks who defeated the Germans but a Croat born soldier called Josip Broz, otherwise known as 'Tito' Jackson.
In 1945 the war was over. The Russians were everywhere except in Yugoslavia where at the borders the Serbs stopped the Russians entering looking for vodka. Tito had the Ustashe, Chetniks and Serb Axis collaborators flash frozen for his trophy room, told Serbs to behave and persuaded the Croats to 'drop the Fascists' and come back inside the old country. Since Tito was a Croat, this was a lot easier to do.
The Soviet leader Joseph Stalin also wanted to be friends with his fellow Communist but Tito was reluctant to go to Moscow or allow the Russian army in. This upset Stalin who expelled Tito from World Communism as a 'capitalist roader' after a face slapping incident in the Kremlin. Stalin said Tito would be overthrown with days but Tito survived, he had already purged his own Communist party of anyone who was growing a bushy moustache in emulation of the Russian leader.
While the land was blossoming under kommunizam, Tito gathered an alliance of his noble jungle-friends who didn't want to side with imperialistic pigs from Washington and Moscow. They called this utopia the Non-Aligned Movement, a.k.a the Third World, a.k.a. The Mighty League of Extraordinary Power Pals. Tito proclaimed himself for a leader, and then went on a tour around Ethiopia. Cold War years were hard on Tito's Power Pals, as they often had to teach both America and Soviet Union discipline and make them to "stop acting up" and "play nice".
Cold war finally ended in 1989. The Power Pals said that if the US and Soviets don't end hostilities immediately, they will just pick up and leave. Then one Serb leaned against Berlin Wall to have a smoke, but foundation was of inferior workmanship and it came crashing down. Not Serbian fault, honest.
Democracy![edit | edit source]
Yugoslavia was then formed - which was a bad idea from the start (stupid Croatians). Essentially, this was a communist attempt to force together countries that hated each other. (See Canada–United States relations) Eventually, Serbs had to put everyone in their place. Needless to say, things got out of hand all Thanks to UN and NATO efforts. For more information, please see Serbia 'Glorious History'.