Gareth
Gareth (Largus Malletus Smackethus) is the prime hunter of the Underpants gnomes.
Habitat[edit | edit source]
A Gareth will live in brown areas, but only if they have yellow/flourescent green spoticles. If a Gareth is unable to identify such an area, they seek refuge amongst humans. The typical Gareth will nest with these humans, referred to as parents, for as long as possible, as they are scared of being alone in the outside world, and finds a comfort zone with these so called parents, who swore to love them even though they are a Gareth.
These 'parents' are normally related to a Gareth due to mis-fortune.
Physio... Kineo... Umm... Ah, screw-it-ology[edit | edit source]
Gareths come in only one variety: Big! From the ever-changing big, to the not-so changing big, the Gareth is always big. Apart from slightly smaller gareths who are still big they are fucking big. They are so big that you would crap yourself if you ever saw one!
They are like a huge encyclopedia filled with useless information. A Gareth likes to share this undesirable knowledge with anyone and everyone - if you are on his list of desired people to be seen with. Some Gareths are known for their arrogance and ignorance. Once you have angered a Gareth, the chances that he will eat your heart and soul is great. Gareths have amazing powers in drawing people to them, and once that is completed, they start devouring your power.
Gareths have enormous egos to match their enormous heads, which match their enormous... well... you know...
The reproductive system of a Gareth is a very confusing and confuzzling process. It sprays spores everywhere, which end up growing into giant ice cream cones, which split open after four and a half months to reveal a not so full grown Gareth. Unfortunately for the Underpants gnomes, they are still quite deadly at this stage. They also have a tendency to sick up acidic crap out of their ears which sprays everywhere and kills everything.
Uses[edit | edit source]
None.
What to do (and not to do) when encountering a Gareth[edit | edit source]
If you happen to encounter a Gareth, the best thing to do would be to throw them a bottle of Russian vodka, and back away slowly. The best way to piss them off, is to throw them a bottle of Non-Russian water and say it is vodka.
Anothing interesting side note is the confusion that ensuses when you throw them a bottle of Russian water. This is always entertaining up until the point where the Gareth figures out that your trying to confuse him and attempts to rip out your intestines through your left ankle and hang you from a nearby telephone pole/tree/flag pole/other tall object by them.
Another way to distract a commen gareth would be to give it a guitar (ear plugs would be needed).BUT what ever you do DO NOT say a word about chasing cars this will anger the gareth and could lead to injury to you.
Mallet[edit | edit source]
The most prized possession of a Gareth is his +5 Comically Oversized Mallet of Gnome Smashing. This mallet can be used for a number of things, including mating, defense, marking territory, rigging political races, and hunting.
Behavior[edit | edit source]
If a Gareth spots an open window or unlocked door, they will automatically check to see if there is any Underpants Gnomes hiding under a table or chair. They have a big appetite and tend to empty your fridge, cupboards and closets. A Gareth does tend to be somewhat delightful, once fed.
Their behavioral patterns various depending on the weather. On cold and rainy days they will seek a dog house, they like to curl up with miniature dogs named Rex, Spike and Fluffy. On sunny days you will spot them hunting for a Lake Monster. The Lake Monsters are a secret friend of the Underpants Gnomes, and a Gareth dislikes the idea of the gnome having friends, as he doesn't really have any himself.
A Gareth will often get drunk and chase after small people or midgets, because they can.
Talents[edit | edit source]
Gareths in general, are really talented creatures, but fortunately for the Underpants gnomes, they rarely discover their powers. A power is normally realized due to fear for its life. Each Gareth has a different talent, but when combined, can be very dreadful for the human race. It is predicted that they will combine in 2012. They will make a super gareth who will see people as under pants gnomes due to the fact that the super gareth will not know what has just happened.