Exploding Testicles

OuCH

Exploding testicles, or Detonating Gonaditus (DG), is a debilitating condition that affects millions of people around the world. Many of them feel embarrassed by such a sensitive issue and may not come forward for treatment, leaving the real impact of this condition unknown. It is estimated that anywhere from 0.0% to 100% of the world's population may be affected by this condition at any one time. The condition affects primarily men, though a few cases have been observed in women.

The World Health Organization (WHO) currently recognizes two types (1 and B) of DG. Treatment is currently limited, forcing many to live with the severe consequences of this condition. DG can also have a range of serious complications including increased risk of myocardial infarction, stroke, and athletes foot.

History

DG was first observed by the 13th-century monk Thomas Aquinas, who was also a prominent surgeon and stand-up comedian. He noted that several of his brotherhood had become rather reclusive of late, and carried out thorough investigations to find the cause of the problem. Unfortunately his activities caught the eye of his abbot, who promptly had him burnt to death. Other such investigations having literally gone up in smoke, there was little mention of DG until Dr. John Snow, the father of modern-day epidemiology, made reference to a curious condition that he christened: "Oh my God, what the hell's wrong with you?" DG was officially coined in 1933 by his grandson.

It is widely accepted that DG was a key player in the fall of Nazi Germany in 1945. The condition is believed to have caused widespread chaos among the German troops, reducing combat effectiveness, and allowing Allied troops an easy victory. The popular nursery rhyme "Hitler, he's only got one ball!" is believed to be a reference to the widespread epidemic that occurred behind the German lines.

Type 1 DG

Known clinically as Acute Regional Gonadotrophic Hernioma (ARGH), this is the most common form of the disease. It is characterized by swelling of one or more testicles and acute pain in the groin region. This is accompanied by insomnia, lethargy, and in some cases, severe flatulence. Although not immediately life threatening, if left untreated the gonads will continue to swell until the patient is forced to continuously squat, in what is known as De Broglie's position. Eventually, the gonads burst without warning, emitting an audible pop. If the patient does not receive immediate medical care, they are in danger of looking a bit silly.

Treatment consists of management of the swollen gonad, and prevention of a detonating episode. Surgical intervention is possible, but this carries a high risk of premature detonation and is considered only as a last resort. Instead, patients are taught to cope with their condition with intense physiotherapy. This enables them to move around normally, using the swollen gonad as one might use a space hopper. Clearly this is not practical for the patient, and research into future treatments is ongoing.

Causes of ARGH are believed to have both genetical and environmental components. If a patient has the disease, then their risk of developing the disease in later life is believed to be close to 100%. Similarly, the risk factor is increased by smoking, drinking, sex, drugs, Rock and Roll, eating tasty food, and enjoying life. Efforts to warn people of the consequences of their actions have failed so far, as the advised preventative measure of sitting at home all day doing nothing does not appear to be a popular move in this present climate.

Type B DG

Osteo-ulcerative Colonic Hernioma (OuCH) is far less common than ARGH but more serious, and nearly always life threatening. Symptoms are more immediate and there are no warning signs. Detonation occurs spontaneously and without warning, which can be far more traumatic for the patient psychologically than physically. Still, the force generated by the rapid pressure release causes immediate significant injury to the vital organs, resulting in coma and death.

Conclusion

It is estimated that more people are killed each year from DG than are killed on the roads. It is vital that every step is taken to prevent DG by abiding by these simple guidelines:

1. Avoid all contact with the outside world.
2. Never eat cheese.
3. If any family members are suspected of carrying a DG infection, shoot them immediately to prevent further outbreak.
4. If you see any person's balls explode, report this to the WHO immediately, then shoot them.
5. Shoot everyone else apart from yourself.
6. Shoot yourself.

Only by following these strict guidelines can we ensure a safe future for our children.

See also

• The Who
• The who