HowTo:Just Ask Jon Eakes! Kitchen Renovation with a Golem

The 'G' is for Golem.

HGTV presents.....

“Just ask Jon Eakes!”

~ Home Improvement with a Different Perspective

Episode 13: Kitchen Renovation with a Golem

Introduction

Hi, I’m Jon Eakes. Welcome to Home and Golem TV's best home improvement show. Most people don’t know this, but I’m of Jewish descent; in fact, I can trace my lineage all the way back to Rabbi Judah Loew the Maharal of Prague. Now the Rabbi was close to God and knew his stuff. He created a helper out of clay called a ‘golem’, and with it did a tremendous number of things. These included various household improvement projects, and today I’d like to briefly share with you some tips and hints on carrying out kitchen renovations with a golem.

A Starbucks run is an effective use of your golem during a home improvement project--just remember to phone your order ahead. My golem is made of iron and is sponsored by Home Depot.

Episode Summary

Most of the problems about effective utilization of golems in home improvement projects stem from the fact that they cannot speak. Right on the heels of that, you should know that they have no fine motor control. Keep the following points in mind, and you should have no major issues.

Effective Use of Your Golem

Command your golem with simple, preferably monosyllabic instructions that leave little room for interpretation. Golems are not smart. An easy-to-make mistake such as ordering your golem to "Demolish" could turn into an embarrassing police incident as your neighbours try to protect their homes and you frantically scramble to get that clay tablet with the hebraic character out from under the golem's tongue in order to shut it off.

Golems are unable to grasp the full context of what you are doing, and therefore it is especially important that you monitor their activity shortly after giving commands. Until you have developed sufficient experience in proper wording, it is essential that you check on your golem's progress with the task as it begins. Golems cannot speak. This means they cannot confirm that they have understood your meaning. You may think you were correctly understood, and then watched the golem walk through a wall on its way to the nearest hardware store.

Here are some straightforward dos and don'ts...

Golems are not natural operators of power tools.

Do Allow Golem To:

• Protect the kitchen area from unwanted intrusion during the renovation period

• Undertake heavy lifting

• Demolish old fixtures and cabinetry

• Clean up the work site

• Write a speech for George W. Bush about the importance of kitchen remodeling for the US economy

• Engage in emergency Fire control measures

• Pick up Starbucks coffee—you will have to phone in the order ahead though.

Do Not Allow Golem To:

• Measure anything

• Use power tools

• Bury anything in the backyard

• Drive

• Wear special clothing or safety gear—it is just trying to look cool

• Be distracted by a child

• Fall into the hands of Lex Luthor.

Golems may be trapped into unilateral conversations with small children when unmonitored. The inane chatter of children may be harmful to the golem's rudimentary cerebral processes. This golem can no longer identify common fruits.

It is inadvisable to ride the golem around the neighbourhood to show off; nor is it a good idea to use the golem as a forklift for you to reach a certain height. Please be mature with the operation of your golem. Thanks for watching and we'll see you with your next home improvement project!

See also

• Bread golem
• Jon Eakes
• Ariel Sharon
• Peter Jackson
• Gollum
• Jew
• Hell's Kitchen renovation
• Home and restaurant renovation