Emo-Mart
Emo-Mart is, literally, an "emo-mart". From Converse and Bandanna packages to razor blades and Crackers, this store has everything a young, underweight emo kid needs to survive.
Emo-Mart is the second top Emo supply store, next to Hot Topic. It is where emos buy most of their clothes, their razor blades, their groceries, and, most importantly, their crackers. It is also the only place on the planet Earth that socially accepts guys that wear girls' pants (besides Hot Topic). Emo TV is the only channel that advertises for Emo-Mart. This is because none of the other channels would dare to even think about it.
History[edit | edit source]
Emo-Mart was started in Wellsville Pennsylvania in 1994 by an Emo Kid, affectionately known by his friends as " That sad Tim". It was then that he started trying to force his terrible Fashion Sense on his peers. Because of this, Emo-Mart has a long history of nothing but Emo customers. Mostly this is due to Emo-Mart's eye-catching daily sales for emo packages, "speshulls", AKA specials (see Emospeak), girls' pants, black and neon-colored hair dye, knives, hoodies, tight fitting black shirts, and most importantly, Crackers.
Kellie recently purchased this establishment and will be converting some locations into Goth-Marts.
Complaints[edit | edit source]
A large number of Emos have complained that the store entrance is much too far from the cracker aisle. They have argued that this could cause confusion or a complete loss of direction. You see, an Emo's sense of direction in a grocery store deeply depends entirely upon the crackers. They have to have crackers immediately upon entering a building. The opposite side of this argument states that 5-10 meters is not much of a walk to the Cracker Aisle.
Another complaint is that the floors are not Emo enough- they are white speckly type linoleum like most stores, this is not Emo. If they were Emo they would be black as the frozen hearts of those walking on them. Another complaint is the open aisles and bright lighting ruins their attempts at emo, beauty-plus-pain photograpgy. In a recent press release, the new owner of the chain has said that rennovation on the store is in place and that floors will be darker and crackers will be closer.
Lastly, many people have complained that The Annual One-Day-Only Winter Holidays Earlybird 5:00 AM 99% Off Sale doesn't begin late enough. Seeing how emos must use tons of hair gell, put on eyeliner, and find the perfect depressed look before they can go out, we can see why some think it starts too early.
Theories[edit | edit source]
- Many believe that Emo-Mart does not actually exist. As we now know, this is entirely untrue. Emo-Mart is only open to Emos, therefore, it only exists to them. Second, Emo-Mart has been sighted numerous times in the center of the Bermuda Triangle, it is usually the last thing cargo ships see before they meet their watery grave.
- Emo-Mart is controlled by the Flying Spaghetti Monster who has spiked all hair dye with mind controll juice, and plans to turn the entire emo population and most blonds against us to rule the world.
This is not true either, Emo-Mart is owned by the Wal-Mart corporation, Also, the Flying Spaghetti Monster Knows that the Idea of this is silly, because Emos are all far too weak to be any sort of threat, and will probably just kill themselves...
“Emo-Mart is known to labelly discriminate people, as it refuses to serve anyone who is not Emo.”
As we all know, the above quote is obviously untrue. Emo-Mart DOES serve everyone, but nobody else would want to be seen in a place full of guys wearing girls' pants. Also, nobody but Emos ever need to USE an Emo-Mart. Therefore, the theory that Emo-Mart is "labelly discriminating" is totally and utterly false. Once again, however, Rubber Chickens can easily prove why this is false/true.