Early cars
“I drive one myself!”
“I hear they go very fast on flat ground.”
“These early cars are made with only the finest quality ore for your convenience!”
Early cars are not these modern, 'sophisticated' goo-gahs that some modern people drive around with fancy paint and shiny steel tires and all this useless rubbish. Early cars are a thousand times more useful and practical to use than all this modern garbage. They cost almost nothing to get and even less to maintain. They were so cheap that once one wore out you would just dump it in a river and get a new one. The only reason that these marvels actually are called early cars is because they were driven by early man. Now you may think that we are just talking about some random nonsense because of the introduction of early man. Well, just to prove you wrong, here is an example.
Uses[edit | edit source]
An early car was mainly used for hunting. With an early car, early man could hunt like never before! Even African lions and tigers ran when they heard an early car approaching. This is because early cars had an incredible acceleration on a 90 degree slope. Much faster than modern cars.
History[edit | edit source]
One day in the Stone Age, a cro-magnon named Al Gore discovered that a rock could roll on a slope. He immediately tried strapping somebody to the rock and rolling it down a hill. He was so pleased with the results that he patented it. Then, or as a legend goes, he found a time machine and went to a time around the 1990's. He may also have stopped at a time earlier than that and banged his shoe on the podium in place of Nikita Khrushev, but that is another story. From there he started terrorizing the world, trying to spread belief in global warming. This is also another story.
Maintenance[edit | edit source]
Early car servicers quite often look a lot like gorillas. This makes them stand out in a crowd, so you don't have to spend all day looking for one. The easiest way to find an early car dealer is to go into an African rainforest and look. They like to hide in the trees. However, you must be patient, early car dealers certainly do know what to do with an early car. Every 100,000 kilometers or so, you have to change the wheels. This is very easy to do yourself. Just smash it a couple of times with a good-sized rock on the wheels until they come off. The wheels are very easy to find with most early cars, they are the parts that stick out on the sides that you don't sit on. This should be easy to find as they are usually the only ones that are not covered with blood. After this, take a couple smaller rocks and smash them to the sides until they stick. You should probably be fairly good at smashing to attempt this step. Voila: changed wheels.
Next, you have to change the oil. Or the early equivalent of it. The oil is there so that you don't kill yourself when you ride the early car. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to have succeeded. However, first you must find the oil. This will probably be quite difficult, and you might want to ask the nearest gorilla for help. He will show you where the oil is and you have to change it. Good luck.
After this, you might want to wash it. Toss it into a river for a couple million years. See if that helps. We are currently in the process of testing this theory and we should be done in about a hundred thousand years.
Now, it is time to check how your car is doing in general. The outside may have rusted a bit. If this is the case, just throw the early car back into the river and get a new one. Alternatively, you could've gotten a new one before trying to service your old one as trying to service it is completely pointless and it costs approximately a hundred thousand times as much to hire a gorilla than to just get a new early car.
Manufacturing[edit | edit source]
The only company that is reported to have manufactured and sold early cars is Early Cars Inc.
Vandalism[edit | edit source]
“In Soviet Russia, the early cars are vandalised by YOU!!!”
It is very easy to vandalise an early car. They tend to be able to vandalise themselves. The easiest way to vandalise two early cars is to either pick one up and smash it into another one or to just drive one into another one. The unfortunate part about the second way is that it tends to make the early car vandalise you. Paint does not vandalise early cars very well because after they have been driven a couple of times they look like they are covered with red paint anyway. (Early cars are credited with having done the final vandalisation on the Neanderthals.)