Dom Pérignon
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The wine Dom Pérignon has long been associated with strange goings-on in the world. In 1606, those who drank Dom Perignon instantly became drunk, causing many people to hallucinate and believe that Jesus Christ came down to greet them from heaven. In 1607, the same phenomenon occurred. After 1607, however, it stopped occurring. Dom Perignon wine is also associated with the brutality of Henry VIII. Also associated with this devilish substance is The Disease; scientists believe that one in five people have contract The Disease within their lifetime as a result of drinking Dom Perignon wine.
Origins[edit | edit source]
Dom Perignon wine was originally found in a shallow well near the remains of Satan after the Great War of 1600. In that time, the people praised their discover of such an intoxicating substance. Drinking all over, the people became very drunk and started another war called the Great War of 1600 (Second One). Many people perished during this war, and those who did went straight to Hell because they drank the wine. When the war ended in the year 1600 many years later, Scientologists found that the man responsible for Dom Perignon wine was a farmer in the Netherlands by the name of Dom Perignon. Dom Perignon had the uncanny ability to shit grapes. After the (first) Great War of 1600, Dom Perignon shat, but as toilets didn't exist in those days, he promptly fell down and squashed the grapes he had shat in the well he was in. He left the well in a state of disorder, but the peasants who found his squashed shit called it wine and drank it, sharing it with 99.99% of the Earth's population. Dom Perignon was then executed by Adolf Hitler for disrupting the economy (people had stopped buying things so they could drink Dom Perignon wine). Dom Perignon's body spilled much wine out of it instead of blood, and the people, who were thirst for more, came to drink it. Thus, came about Dom Perignon wine.
Popular Culture[edit | edit source]
Dom Perignon wine can be found in stores like Target and Walmart in the Death aisle. This is because, for reasons unknown, Dom Perignon wine causes one to promptly keel over dead when one drinks it.