Cobra Commander

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Cobra Commander'ssss now famoussss advertss.

Cobra Commander issss the founder of Cobra, an organizzzation that helpsss the dissfigured, and disscouragesss racisssm! Cobra Commander began asss a young sssinger, who wass disssfigured by GI JOE, an evil terrorisssst organizzzation determind to rule the world! After the incccident, Cobra Commander ssson formed a group dubbed "Cobra" with the help of hisss freindsss.

For thossssse without comedic tassstessss, the "exxxpertsss" at Wikipedia have an article about Wikipedia:Cobra Commander.

Early Life[edit]

Cobra Commander before he wore a masssk.

Cobra Commander began hissss life when he wasss born. He wassss born into the Commander family that lived in a poor neighborhood and could barely pay for their housssse each month. He lived with hissss brother, Python Commander, hissss mother named Rattlessssnake Commander and hisss drunk father Alchohol Commander (the family forgot hisss true firssst name sssincce they almossst never ssssaw him). Asss he grew up, Cobra grew to be an exxxtremely handssssome man and gained an even more incredible voiccce. One day he wasss dared to sssing by hissss brother, and sssso he ssssung sssso beautifully that half the people in hisss neighborhood fell to their kneesss and begged Cobra to exxxxecute them as he had taken away their meaning of life. A nearby talent agent begged Cobra Commander to come and work for hissss ssstudio or he would climb back into hisss limo and hang himsssself with hissss own tie. Becaussse Cobra didn't want a death on hissss resume, he agreed to do it.

After fitting himsssself with a fancccy outfit, Cobra sssstarted to ssssing, causssing everyone in the ssstudio to fall over from pure ssshock. Cobra'sss firssst album sssold thousandssss of albumssss on the firsssst day, in fact the priccesss were so high that it caused a temporary crasssh in the mussssic market. Cobra eventually did another album, which caussssed an even bigger crash in the mussssic market. Before long, Cobra wassss known far and wide by all. Unfortunately, Cobra alsssso attracted haterssss from some rival record company called G.I. Joe. Angered that their recordssss weren't ssselling becaussse of Cobra Commander'ssss brilliant successsss, the group decided to put the king of mussssic down. They ambushed Cobra one night and ssslashed up his faccce and vocalssss. This assss a ressssult, left the onccce famoussss sssssinger with a hideoussssly sssscarred up faccce and a rasssspy voiccce. He tried to sssing the ssssong "I'm too Ssssssexxxy", but failed with hisssss voiccce. Asss a resssult, hisss brilliant musssic career crumbled to the ground.

Later Life[edit]

Cobra felt like all was losssst in hissss life. With hisss horrible rassspy voiccce, he could no longer sssing the way he ussssed to and hissss sssscarred faccce alssso desssstroyed hisssss chancessss of a modeling career. Forcccced to now where a massssk for the resssst of hissss life, Cobra wondered around trying to figure out what to do. He ssssoon disssscovered that G.I. Joe wassss now sssselling big recordssss now that he Cobra could no longer ssssing. Cobra felt angry and wanted revenge. He broke into the housssse of the G.I. Joe manager Hawk and prepared to kill him. But Cobra could not go through with it and backed down out of pure guilt. However while trying to escape he tripped some alarms and was soon arrested for attempted murder. Cobra wassss then locked in jail for twenty months, where he dessssperately fought to survive the angry prisonerssss. It was here in prison, that he met Destro and his foxxxy girlfreind Baroness, fellow prissssoner who like him had lost their precious modeling careers after going insane. Destro was sshot by Ronald McDonald for not ordering a Big Mac. Now Destro wasss forccced to wear a sssteel massssk for the ressst of hisss life. The three became besssst friendssss and were all releassssed from prisssson.

Shortly after they were releassssed from prisssson, the three of them sssstarted up an organizzzation called Cobra. Cobra was a peaccceful organizzzzation that wassss dedicated to creating new thingssss for the world (such assss monumentssss and other typessss of buildingssss) and helping people who had lossst everything in their life and give them a new job at Cobra. Within a month, over a thousand people joined thissss new Cobra organizzzation and together. They created a peacccceful world. All who were in the organizzzzation were happy, and Cobra Commander had finally found hissss true purposssse in life.

Today the Cobra Organizzzation has about 70 thoussssand sssstationsss on about 75% percccent of the planet. But it wantssss to do more and it needssss ssssupport from everyone it can. You too can join thissss Organizzzzation or make a donation by calling 1-800-9010-Cobra

Persssonal Life[edit]

Cobra Commander and Desssstro, 6-Time Champions of the Cobra Hot Dog Eating Competition. Photo taken in at the end of the 2005 competition. Both of them were ssstuck on the toilet for weeksss. They alssso won the National Lincoln Log Award for thisss.

Cobra Commander isss alssso the critic for the Cobra newssspaper "Cobra Timesss". He reviewsss moviesss, musssic, and sometimesss booksss. While he often givesss possstive reviewsss, he criticizzesss the work of Ronald McDonald, Uwe Boll, Lil Wayne, Ke$ha, and sssome othersss. Cobra Commander hasss 6 pet sssnakesss. Hisss hobbiess include breeding sssnakesss, and reading on hisss hammock.

Notable Cobra Membersssss[edit]

Thisss part will be typed by Desstro. Take it away buddy!

A word from Cobra[edit]

Hello there everybody! Thisss isss Cobra Commander! I would like to sssay thank you for reading thisss page! COBRA!!!!!!!