Chewy

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“Bricks aren't chewy.”

~ John Adams on Chewy

“Boy, this brick sure is Chewy!”

“What stale Oompa-loompas are like.”

~ Willy Wonka on Chewy

“I tried to bite a pice of gum, but it didn't break!!! o.0”

~ Captain Obvious on Chewy

“In Russia, FOOD chews YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on Chewy

The term Chewy is usually attributed with things that are brittle, hard, and chippy. Examples of Chewy are: Chips, Microchips, cream-chipped beef, multiple parts of Michael Jackson's anatomy, Fingers, camera film, and drinkable salsa. Chewyness is achieved by introducing the object to an episode of the Simpsons, whacking it upside the head (or whatever is on top), and subjecting it to music lessons given by a piece of rubber. This is the equation: The resulting bastard child will now be what we call Chewy. This process is copyrighted and, if attempted without permission, will result in maming.

The invention of Chewy[edit | edit source]

The Chewy property was invented by the Brittish philosopher Bill Gates in co-operation with Micro-Squaresoft. Bill wanted to make the perfect barbeque potato chip (or crisp, if you're Brittish) that didn't bend and stretch like the common Egyptian Potato chip, which were made entirely of salt and yellow lizard scales. He presented the idea to Micro-Squaresoft, along with a new computer operating system dubbed "Shutters". Micro-Squaresoft Chairman Dave Mira was eccstatic about the radical new BBQ chip model, while completely disregarding Shutters as "electronic dumb-assness." The first chewy BBQ chip was released in 1984, pioneering a completely new type of physical property.

Chewy's Most Famous Implementation, or the gum epidemic of '85[edit | edit source]

After its invention, overwhelming requests to use it lead to Bill Gates abandoning the Chewy program and switching full time to Shutters (which received the cruel nickname 'Windows') which robbed him of billions of dollars but still the richest Brit in the world. The first company to get hold of the rights to the property was G.U.M, who specialized in dental care and toothache inducers. Their first product, made in 1985, that possessed the Chewy property was unnamed and simply called 'Gum'. Gum was at first an oral lubricator and hallucinogen but was later found to taste really minty. It was packaged in a corrosive-proof foil-and-plastic composite and was meant for over-the-counter use but due to a mistake made by Micro-squaresoft's shipping branch, was delivered to nearly every convenience store in the world and was labeled as a type of solidified coffee. As this being their first try at the substance, it all went quite horribly, and resulted in anyone who chewed it for an extended period of time (seven minutess) teeth-holders to atrophy and turn gray, while the jaw and teeth remained unscathed. This led to the teeth holders being nicknamed 'Gums', for lack of a better official name. Due to Gum's drug properties, all gum was burned and thrown away, never to be produced anywhere in the world again. A literary documentation of the epidemic, entitled 'Bazooka Tooth', was written by Aesop of New York in 1993.

Chewy In The Late '80s-The Present[edit | edit source]

Soon after the Gum scare, Chewy gained popularity in horror stories, the most notable being 'The Chewy That Time Forgot', an animated Disney Movie starring Bo Bice as the Park Ranger. After Chewy gained public fame, innumerable products were finalized and shipped that possesed the Chewy property. Such things were:

Future implementations of Chewy in progress[edit | edit source]

Many new Chewy products are being produced and tested in Alabama, a once-useless state with lots of fairly useless Aerospace engineering facilities and haphazard automobile-construction automatons. New Chewy things currently in development:

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