Brian of Nazareth
“He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy! Now piss off!”
Brian ben Cohen (of Nazareth), our Lord and Savior, was mistaken for the Messiah by a bunch of religious nutters sent by God as the Messiah in order to redeem us of all our sins. Brian spoke a great many prophecies in his lifetime and set forth a philosophy that still shapes the world to this day. He was sacrificed as a martyr by his so-called "friends" bravely sacrificed himself on the cross in order to provide salvation for the rest of us.
Life[edit | edit source]
Brian was born in a small stable outside Bethlehem to the Virgin Mandy. A star sent from heaven lead some wise men to a point very close to his stable, where they came in bearing gifts and knelt down and worshiped Brian. The baby called Brian eventually grew into a boy called Brian, having arms and legs and hands and feet, he continued to grow until becoming a teenager called Brian, when his face became spotty, his voice dropped down low, and he started to shave and have one off the wrist and wanted to see girls and go out and get pissed until he became the man they called Brian. As an adult, he found his life's purpose by becoming an active member of the People's Front of Judea (founded by Reg, Judith and Stan/slash/Loretta), an organization devoted to the overthrow of the evil Roman occupation and to general philosophical concerns. Before long, Brian rose to prominence in the PFJ and gathered a multitude of followers. He led the swarming multitude out into the mountains outside Jerusalem, where he healed a great many of the sick and the blind, and brought forth juniper berries to feed his followers in the desert. One man he did not help was a hermit who had been living in the desert. This hermit was an unbeliever who denied Brian's divinity, and so Brian punished him by greatly hurting his foot, and then commanded his followers to put the man to death, which was speedily done.
Key Moments in Life[edit | edit source]
One of the most important moments in Brian's life was his abduction by aliens who supposedly took him to Jupiter and back before crashing back on Earth where they found him. Some debate whether he was abducted or in fact stowed away as he teleported through the floor, the second of his supposed miracles.
Death[edit | edit source]
Upon his triumphant return to Jerusalem, Brian was very quickly arrested by Roman centurions. After a mock trial, and with no opportunity for appeal, Brian was sentenced to die by crucifixion. Brian was forced to carry his own cross across Jerusalem, and was then nailed to it and placed upright between two hundred other crucifixees, where he died over the course of several days in the hot desert sun. In so doing, Brian became a martyr to his faith, and with his death, all of humanities sins were wiped clean, so it doesn't really matter how much of a git you are in life; as long as you love Brian, all will be forgiven. Brian was kind enough to do this for us so that none of us would have to worry about all this virtuousness and other crap that gets in the way of the fun stuff.
Teachings[edit | edit source]
As a sign to his followers, at the start of their journey into the mountains, Brian left a sandal as a guide for them to follow. This "Holy Sandal" was given to the followers as a sign that they should all likewise hold up one sandal and let the other be upon their foot, in this way, the will always remember the hardship of Brian's followers as they went into the mountains with him as they held their sandals in front of themselves. There are also heretical perversions of Brian's teachings, such as those who would follow a shoe instead of a sandal, denying the divine nature of the sandal and blaspheming against Brian as a result. There are also some truly freaky cultish sects, like the gourdists, who instead follow a gourd, based on the absolutely ludicrous claim that the gourd was a sign from Brian, when he made it very clear that the sandal was the true sign left by him. All of the followers of these perverted beliefs are heretics and will go to hell, where for their failure to bow down to the divinity of the sandal will result in them being burned and tormented for all eternity. Brian also said some things about not judging other people and about thinking as individuals and some bollocks about some servants with talents that nobody really pays any attention to. The main thrust of Brian's teachings was the Holy Sandal, and that is the part that should be focused on.
Proof of Divinity[edit | edit source]
Many people have questioned why Brianists believe Brian to be a divine figure. These people are morons. It should be plainly obvious to even the meanest intelligence that Brian was divine in nature and was, in fact, the messiah. However, for those stubborn people who like "facts" and "evidence," here are some facts which clearly establish Brian's divine nature:
- Virgin Birth: Brian's mother, Mandy Cohen, was a virgin. This means she had not had sex with anyone, something generally established as being a prerequisite to giving birth. Can you think of a way she could have given birth to a son without divine intervention? I sure as fuck can't.
- Healing the Blind: When Brian brought his followers to the top of a great mountain, a blind man stepped forth, and by the power of Brian's divine touch, was cured of his blindness. He was so excited by this that he immediately stepped forth into the pit where Brian was sitting in order to thank him. Obviously this miraculous healing establishes Brian's divine origin.
- Healing the Dumb: After Brian had brought his followers to the top of the mountain they met a man who had been unable to speak for many years, Brian's holy figure felt great pity on this poor soul and after gently placing his foot upon the foot of the silent man he was able to talk and shout once more.
- The Miracle of the Juniper Berries: When Brian's followers met him on top of the mountain, they had not eaten for days and were very hungry. Brian responded to this by bringing forth a bush and making it call forth juniper berries to feed the multitudes of his followers. This one bush fed all of his followers and none were hungry after that. Can you explain how that could've happened without a fucking miracle? Huh? Can you punk? I didn't think so.
- Denial of Divinity: Many times Brian openly denied his divinity to his followers, claiming that he was not in fact the Messiah. This is something only a True Messiah would do as any mere mortal would want people to believe his divinity and would not attempt to deny it.
- Admission of Divinity: Once, Brian admitted to his followers that he was in fact the Messiah. The only possible explanations for this would be if he were indeed the messiah as he claimed, or that he was some sort of fraud or madman who was abusing his people. Given the wisdom and morality of the rest of Brian's teachings, it seems hard to believe either of these two latter cases could possibly be true, therefore it must be that he was in fact the Messiah.
These are but a few of many examples proving the divine nature of the great Brian, and are absolutely unassailable by criticism. Obviously Brian was in fact the messiah, and any who doubt this are complete and total retards.
Impostors[edit | edit source]
Obviously, for such an important post as Messiah, there will be a great many people wanting to steal the job from the one true one that God had chosen. One of the major ones was a lunatic by the name of Jesus Christ. He stole a great many of Brian's ideas, made up some ridiculous stories about miracles, and proceeded to try and convince everyone that he was the true messiah. This is ridiculous, as the true messiah is and always has been Brian.
Quotes[edit | edit source]
“Alright, Alright. I *am* the messiah. Now get me down from this $%@^%#&@ cross, and stop singing that song!!!”