People's Front of Judea
The People’s Front of Judea (Hebrew: Hakjrakchrkihia Kchorijkorui Judea) is a rebel group operating in the Province of Judea in the Roman Empire. The PFJ split from the Populist Front of Judea in 11AD after a dispute over whether or not the torpedo had been invented yet. The group has been classified as a terrorist organization by George W. Bush who consequently invaded Romania. The PFJ has claimed responsibility for several high key attacks including the 70 AD bombing of the Coliseum, the assassination of Emperor Nero, and the eruption of Mt Vesuvius. It is also responsible for many smaller attacks like the 1993 penguin massacre, leaving a thumb tack on Caesar’s chair, and the burning of Rome. The PFJ has been accused of numerous human rights violations including urinating in the town aqueduct, giving false directions to Roman tourists, and killing babies. The group is hunted by the Roman authorities, who are reportedly seeking a “Final Solution” to the Jewish problem.
In 6AD Emperor Augustus conquered Judea by convincing the Jews that it would be cheaper to just let the Romans run it. However 9 years later, in 7 AD, Joseph Kony accused Rome of imperialism and founded the Populist Front of Judea to fight the Roman occupiers. Thousands of children happily joined this new rebel group and Joseph Kony benevolently sent them to assault Roman fortifications in human wave attacks. By February 5AD he began to lose support among the people of Jerusalem and his forces evaporated. Right into thin air. There are many theories as to why this occurred, most involving God or aliens.
In early August 13AD the PFJ (Populist Front of Judea) attacked the town of Nazareth and forced all of the towns’ youth to fight for him and invade Uganda and Jerusalem. The Roman authorities, under general Bigus Dickus, stopped the attack by sending Anakin Skywalker to heroically butcher all of the padawans. Kony escaped the battle by disguising himself as a Roman prostitute and fled to Soviet Russia: where Bush bashes YOUUU!
Dispute leads to fractures in the Populist Front of Judea
In Russia, Stalin supplied Kony with swords, shields, and F-16 bombers. During this time, several high-ranking members of the Populist Front of Judea devised a plot to torpedo the Roman ship: the USS Cole. Upon acquiring the torpedo, Kony argued that the torpedo hadn’t been invented yet, as it was still the early first century AD and therefore historically inaccurate. Many in the torpedo plot felt wronged and pointed out that Joseph Kony was not from this time period and therefore also historically inaccurate. This created a schism within the group resulting in the breakaway “Peoples Front of Judea”, The “Campaign for Free Galilee”, The “Judean People’s Front”, The “Judean Popular People's Front”, and The “Front of Popular People in Judea”.
The newly formed People’s Front of Judea began their campaign in 11AD by detonating a balm on a Roman subway. The fragrant oily substance greatly improved the smell of the subway system though the lack of casualties convinced the PFJ to abandon their balming campaign. Several weeks later the PFJ sent a statement to the emperor explaining that they felt persecuted by the Romans and demanding they leave Jerusalem. Rome responded by saying “Of coarse you feel persecuted. You’re Jews.” The PFJ responded to the response by thumbing their gigantic noses at Rome end beheading a tax collector.
In late 14AD, a plan was hatched to blow up the aqueduct of Rome. The structure was stuffed with over 1000 tons of dynamite before a history buff explained that explosives hadn’t been invented yet. Upon realizing this, the dynamite failed to go off, forcing the PFJ to rent a catapult, which they used to batter down the structure.
- March 8th 25AD: A chariot bomb explodes in front of Claudius’s pizzeria on 7th street, killing 49 and wounding over a hundred, leading to speculation of the existence of the People’s Front of Judea
- March 12th: A second chariot bomb explodes in front of Claudius’s pizzeria, killing 62 and wounding 150. This attack convinced authorities to investigate the existence of the PFJ.
- March 13th: A third and fourth bomb detonate in the vicinity of Claudius’s pizzeria killing over 90. Public outcry over the attacks led to the closing of the popular pizzeria.
- March 16th: Public hunger for good pizza forces Roman authorities to reopen the pizzeria.
- March 17th: Another chariot bomb explodes, killing 83 diners. The emperor declares a state of emergency and condemns the attacks in his state of the union address.
- March 21st: The famous gas attack of 25AD kills 97 people inside the pizzeria and ruins over 200 pizzas. This massacre forced the government to issue a recall for all pizzas in the empire.
- March 29th: A powerful bomb explodes inside the dining area of the pizzeria, destroying the remnants of the building and several others in the vicinity. Emperor Tiberius declare the defense of the pizzeria a top priority.
- April 5th: A seventh bomb explodes in the building, killing no one due to the area being leveled and thus no one eating in the pizzeria. This string of attacks targeting the same eatery has led to speculation among historians as to the reason for the fixation the PFJ had on that building at the time. Several, including Tainter, theorize that the destruction of the restaurant triggered the fall of Rome.
- 40AD: Several dicks are knocked off Roman statues in the forum. The PFJ claimed responsibility for this attack, along with the Judean People’s Front and the Illuminati. The attack, according to the PFJ was “meant to show the Romans how small their dicks were.”
- 79 AD: Mt Vesuvius erupts, the People’s Front of Judea claim responsibility.
People’s Front of Judea
The PFJ is fighting for a neo-Fascist Capitalist Marxist Feudal Republican Communist Democratic Anarchist Socialist Populist Imaginary government. The PFJ has accused the Roman Empire of imperialism and demands that it stop being an empire. The PFJ claims a membership of 20,000,000 however; according to government estimates there are only 4 members in the rebel group. Outside organizations therefore estimate their numbers as being between 4 and 20,000,000 with most estimates falling around 6 members.
The People’s Front of Judea is mostly made up of jobless Jews who got left out of the diamond industry in the 90s. Many members reportedly have large noses, wear Yamakas, and smile politely while not listening to you as you speak.
The great Jewish Revolt: 66-73 AD
In 66AD, the PFJ launched a massive rebellion in conjunction with several other Jewish resistance groups including the Popular Front of Judea, the Public Force for Justice, and the People’s Force of Jehovah, all of which had the acronym: PFJ making it really difficult for historians to figure out who did what.
After defeating the Romans in battle, the victorious Jewish rebel groups liberated Jerusalem and immediately began to fight each other. By the time the Romans returned, the infighting in the city had practically depopulated Jerusalem before the Romans even got there. Not to be outdone, the Romans besieged the city and promised that if there was to be any more killing, they would be the ones doing it. However, in order to deny the Romans a proper siege, one of the Jewish faction leaders burned their own food supply. This was done, presumably to simulate the effects of Jews being in a walled enclosure with no food and armed soldiers from a large empire trying to kill them.
After General Titus was told that the Jews had burned their own food supply he said, “Damn! I see what their doing! They’re trying to defeat themselves before we get the chance to kill them. Those bastards!” Titus discovered that the Jewish plan all along had been to die before the Romans killed them thus rendering the Roman army useless. It was a bold plan and utterly pointless.
Anyway, The Romans tried for weeks to get into the city but failed to get past the wall of Antonia. In order to assist the Romans, the Jewish rebels undermined the wall and it collapsed thus allowing the Romans to enter the city. They also left a tunnel so the Romans could get behind a third wall without too much difficulty. The Romans felt very grateful for the assistance their enemies gave them but also resented the Jewish interference in killing Jews.
Those who survived the Roman onslaught retreated to Masada where they vowed to make a last stand. As the Romans approached the fortress, Prince Josephus suggested that instead of fighting back, all the soldiers kill themselves so that the Romans would realize that they paid their army for nothing. “Stupid Romans! We don’t need you to defeat us. We’ll defeat ourselves!”
The Jewish Revolt of 66 AD is often remembered as an event that took place… The success of the Jewish rebels against the numerically inferior Romans convinced the Japanese to order their soldiers to kill themselves whenever they came into contact with US marines in World War II.
During the coarse of the rebellion the Jews suffered between 100,000-230,000 casualties, most of this number died from self-afflicted wounds, falling off cliffs, and drinking questionable water sources, which turned out to be kerosene. Tragically, over 21 Romans lost their lives and almost 40 were wounded in the conflict. The Emperor swore that never again would so many soldiers die killing so few Jews.
The Romans gained complete control of all of Judea and
stole acquired all the gold the Jewish people had ever saved (which was a lot). They also took 97,000 slaves and forced the survivors to pay a crippling tax. The Jewish rebels gained the ability to travel all around the empire as refugees (the Romans destroyed Jerusalem and forbade Jews from living in the area). Many Israelis also gained jobs working in the gladiator industry and salt mines. All in all, according to Roman authorities, both parties came away happier than when the conflict began.