Battle of Pelennor Fields

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Battle of Pelennor Fields
Date: 1866
Place: Pelennor Fields, outside of the Citadel
Outcome: Heroic Scottish and Brotherhood of Steel victory
Media coverage: large
Brotherhood of Steel, Scottish Army, French Empire, Mongol Horde, the Scourge, Canadian Army English Orc Army, British Air Force, Arabian Army, Pirate Army, Undead Zulu Tribe, Third Reich
Elder Lyons, Liberty Prime, William Wallace†, Hamish†, Napoleon, Genghis Khan, Lich King Arthas, Wolverine, Billy Bishop, King Kong† Lord Sauron, Gothmog†, the Witch-King, Lawrence of Arabia†, Osama bin Laden, Captain Barbossa†, Zombie Shaka Zulu†, Adolf Hitler, The Red Baron
divisions of Power-Armour wearing Paladins and Knights,

armies of Highlanders, some Irishmen, divisions of French Cavalry, hordes of Mongolian Horsemen, hordes of Mongolian Archers, armies of Undead, groups of Necromancers, divisions of Canadian Riflemen, fleets of Canadian Fighter Planes

armies of Orc Warriors,

divisions of Uruk-Hai, armies of English Musketeers, some Ringwraiths, groups of Arabian Elephants, divisions of Arabian Infantry, groups of British Musketteers, armies of Suicide Bombers, fleets of Fighter Planes, groups of Pirates, fleets of Pirate Ships, groups of Zulu Warriors, armies of Volksgrenadiers, divisions of Panzer Tanks, divisions of Machine Gunners

A large amount of Scottish, Brotherhood, and French Casualties. A low amount of Mongol, Undead, and Canadian casualties. A massive amount of Orc, British, German, and Arabic casualties. The death of every Pirate and Zulu who were involved in the battle.
We screwed up big time

Lord Sauron on the Battle of Pelennor Fields

They fought like warrior-poets. They fought like Scotsmen. And they earned their freedom.

Arthas on the Scottish at Pelennor Fields

You know, it would have been nice if somebody told me Sauron was bringing HUGE FUCKING ELEPHANTS!!!

Napoleon on seeing the Arabic army

This was a battle fought at Pelennor Fields.

Captain Obvious on the Battle of Pelennor Fields

The Battle of Pelennor Fields was a massive battle fought outside of the Brotherhood of Steel's Citadel in Ireland. The battle was fought between armies of englishmen, orcs, highlanders, power-armour wearing soldiers, and arabs. Casualties for both sides were large, and the conservative party of Britain lost influence after the defeat at Pelennor.

Rebellion in Scotland[edit | edit source]

Lord Sauron and the Conservative party

After being elected Prime Minister, Lord Sauron's first course of action was to ban the scottish from voting. This resulted in massive protesting coming out of Scotland, the protesters demanding that Sauron allows voting in Scotland again. Sauron refused however, as Scotland was a very liberal nation at the time, which was not good for the conservative party.

Protests soon turned into riots, which turned into all out wars. Scottish citizens rebelled against Britain, under the banner of William Wallace. Armies of highlanders began sacking cities and scottish assassins began killing members of the conservative party, which resulted in Sauron sending Uruk-Hai to deal with the scotsmen.

The highlanders were beaten by the Uruk-Hai, and fled to the Citadel in Ireland. The Brotherhood of Steel had been working with the scottish for many years, and offered William and his army refuge in the Citadel. Lord Sauron had soon found out about this, and send armies of Englishmen, Orcs, and Uruk-Hai to finish off the remnants of the scottish rebellion.

Allies for the Scots[edit | edit source]

A Brotherhood of Steel spy had reported that armies of tens of thousands were marching from York towards the Citadel. William Wallace realized that the Citadel would be crushed if the Orcs and English came. The scots needed allies, fast, so William send telegrams to various nations, including France, Mongolia, and Canada, asking for help.

The French, led by Napoleon, responded to the telegrams by sending an army of heavy cavalry to West Pelennor Fields outside of the Citadel. The Mongols, who were the eternal enemies of the Orcs, had sent an army of horsemen and archers shortly after the French. The Canadians, who were sick and tired of being friends with England, promised to William that the army and airforce would arrive to help, but it would take some time.

Britain's Allies[edit | edit source]

Lord Sauron had soon found out that the French, Mongols, and Canadians were sending armies to help to scottish rebels. Sauron knew that even with his tens of thousands of orcs, he would not be able to defeat the combined nations. Therefore, he sent telegrams to Britain's allies, including the Arabic nations of the middle-east and the Germans.

The various Arabic nations (including Saudi Arabia, Persia, and Egypt) had sent a massive forces of soldiers and 50-foot elephants to help Sauron. Coming with the army was also the British general, Lawrence of Arabia, who had just finished gaining the assistance the Afghans and Osama bin Laden. The Germans had sent divisions of Volksgrenadiers and Panzer tanks to assist in the battle.

Sauron also hired a fleet of Pirate mercenaries, who were veterans of the Pirate-Ninja War. The pirates would arrive an hour after the beginning of the battle, but would prove extremely useful if the main army failed at capturing the Citadel before then.

Readying for War[edit | edit source]


For the uncouth among us who choose lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Battle of Pelennor Fields.

After the French and Mongolians arrived, William Wallace and Elder Lyons (leader of the Brotherhood) began the preparations for the upcoming battle. The French cavalry was sent to West Pelennor, where the orcs and englishmen would not see them. The Mongolian army was dispatched behind the Citadel, where they could surprise the enemy by launching a sneak attack from the flanks.

The Brotherhood of Steel created a giant laser shooting robot called Liberty Prime for the battle. Liberty Prime was made from the parts of Optimus Prime and Soviet tanks, and could fire blue cyclops laser beams which were so overpowered, they could kill even a grue, and then He could throw a football that blew up in a nuclear explosion.

After the preparations were made, William Wallace gathered the soldiers for an inspiring speech, were he yelled to his soldiers from on top of a platform:

We Scotsmen have always valued our freedom above all other things. We love our freedom even more than we love haggis, sheep, and kilts. Without freedom, all we have is a shithole of a country filled with lochs and drunks. Now, these englishmen, these servants of Sauron, would take away our freedom, and thus take away the one thing we truly love (aside from beer). Well you know what I have to say to that? FUCK YOU SAURON, AND FUCK YOUR DAMN DEMOCRATIC PARTY!!! This is our country, and we will fight to the last man to defend it! No Englishman, Orc, or Uruk-Hai can scare us! We will kill them all!


SCOTSMEN! Tonight, we dine in HELL!!!!!

Having just drunk a keg of ale, William Wallace fell face first off the platform immediately after his speech.

The Battle[edit | edit source]

With William Wallace temporarily incapacitated, the Scots searched for new leadership. Luckily, they found it in the charismatic Liberty Prime. "Embrace Democracy or be eliminated!", "The liberation of Anchorage is imminent!" roared across the battlefield. The Scots, now actually having a cause to fight for (as the scots are world reknowned anarchists) were heartened, and faced the invaders with lightened hearts. That is until they saw the huge-ass battering ram brought by their enemies. Initial reactions included disgust at at its phallical ram, which promptly turned to horror upon seeing the creatures pulling it: GRUES! Damn lucky Liberty Prime was there.

But even Prime could not stop the gate from falling, as he was busy reviving the drunken Willie Wallace, who in the end died of "Impact with Ground at Terminal Velocity" when he tumbled off the impracticaly high spire of rock at the top and centre of the citadel. Following this, Prime was confronted by the Witch King, who with evil firery magicks, destroyed Prime's extremely expensive cyclops laser. Mr. Prime might have died here, but the arrival of the Mongols distracted the Witch-King (who had been an acute sufferer of ADHD his entire life).

The Mongols promptly decimated the orc and english host, but the battle wasn't over yet, and as we well know, horses don't like mice, or elephants don't like horses, or... maybe elephants don't like mice? In any case, the Mongols with their spears and bows, were unable to bring down many of the elephants brought by Lawrence and Osama. Suicide bombs also took a large toll on the combatants, but oddly, mostly upon the arab soldiers. Their targets, the Mongols, were shocked by the smoke and fire, yet largely unharmed by Osama's "shock" troops.

The French now advanced as well, and entered brutal close combat with the English Musketteers. The French were better soldiers, but as usual had charged in without support, and were in dire straights.

As usual, it fell upon the Canadians and Undead to save the day. Which they promptly did, as Undead can't die, and Canadians in planes (led by Billy Bishop) always win. Even the Red Baron (the best aerial fighter of the Nazgul) could not stop them.

It was later found that captain Barbarossa and his Pirates, had never arrived, as the Undead had eaten them, all their Ninja fighting skills couldn't save them from zombies.

The English and their allies were routed with great losses. The Witch King and Adolf Hitler scurried back home in an attempt to gather more men, which their immense nations undoubably had. Now the Scots prepared to take the fight to the villages and fields of England and Germany across the water.