UnNews:Net Neutrality dies at the hands of FCC in 3-2 vote

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

Thursday, December 14, 2017

AT&T has blocked this picture of a hobo flipping the bird. Click here to upgrade to our latest plan.

WASHINGTON D.C. - We REALLY need to talk about net neutrality. The Federal Communications Commission -- who is hell-bent on keeping the word "fuck" and "shit" off TV and radio -- has today made the ultimate decision on the fate of a free and open internet: to kill off Net Neutrality. From this day on, the internet will go from being treated as a 'utility' to as a further expression of capitalist ideals.

A 3-2 vote has quickly reversed the Obama government's decision to make sure the internet was a fair place. The new decision will still make sure the internet is a fair place, only this time, it'll be fair and balanced. Internet service providers -- such as AT&T, Verizon, Time Warner, Comcast and several others -- reserve the right to charge you more for their service. They can block content that is critical of them, or that they don't agree with politically. They could make you pay extra for such services as Google, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, news feeds. They can slow or block sites for any reason and charge you more to access them. Let's say you want to binge watch Stranger Things on Netflix. Joe the ISP might decide to slow down your service, but if you're willing to pay $400 for their fancy, newfangled fast lane, you'll get to watch Stranger Things plus whatever straight-to-video movie that not even Rotten Tomatoes has ever heard of.

Chairman Ajit Pai and his crooked Republican colleagues are convinced they have made the right decision. (Bull. Shit.) As many are going round shouting that the apocalypse is to come, he doesn't understand why anyone would think that. 'This will help ordinary people', Pai said. (It won't... by any stretch of the imagination.) 'ISPs will now be able to provide different levels of service. [Yeah, like "slow" for your current plan, "slightly" better for $350 extra, and "Rolls Royce-quality" for only $5000 PER MONTH!!s! - Ed.] It gives the consumer more choice'. [Yeah, if you're a rich asshole who's never worked a day in his life! - Ed.] That word 'consumer' is a key point of the Net Neutrality decision: in the government's eyes, this is a victory for capitalism, against filthy Communist ideals. [It's a victory for Orwellianism, I'll tell you that! - Ed.]

Meanwhile, millions are standing strong against Pai's apparent 'weasel words', saying that this ends years of the internet being a home for freedom of thought and open discussion. As many internet services used by the entire world are threatened, many, including Netflix and the CEO of Reddit, are of the belief that further legal action is necessary. They may be right.

In the months prior to this landmark decision, protests known as the 'Battle for the Internet' had been taking over, creating levels of web anger not seen since the SOPA/PIPA (or "Sopaipilla") blackouts in January 2012. Obviously, something that's tried and tested against the Obama administration isn't going to work this time.

Goodbye Net Neutrality. Hello Nyet Neutrality.


UnNews Logo Potato.png
UnNews Editors are currently inserting left-wing bias into this related article: