UnReviews:Rotten Tomatoes

A Jackie Chan fan (named Dong) justifies his name by starting a film reviews website in 1998
yet completely missing the film Rush Hour and preferring to review his friends & neighbors, becoming a
major internet phenomenon (Giant Douche).

Rating: NT-170 (No tomatoe and other vegetible admitted)
Genre: Black and white
Directed by: Teh Dong
Written by: Roger Ebert, Michael Bay
In Theaters: Aug 19, 1998
Box Office: approx. $5,000,000 per %1
Runtime: 24 yrs 2 mch
Studio: WWW Pictures

So you just saw this movie and somehow arrived to Rotten Tomatoes. You now face 2 options:

Forget the random number you just saw and try to get the movie on your own
Use Rotten Tomatoes' genius mathematical brains and continue to read the reviews

There are exactly three kinds of tomatoes known to mankind: Rotten, fresh and green; And much like the white pepper, known only to a couple of people from Colorado, only a few people are familiar with the green tomatoes. So they don't really exist.

Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart Living
Topless Critic

For the meter to be read, the rotten level of the movie fan has to remain steady. When his rotten level is changed the rectangular bar of the T-Meter changes its length. This will happen if the movie fan pulls in or releases mental mass media. This mental mass media, acts as an additional resistance or lack of resistance to the rotten level from the T-Meter.
Full Review

J. Jon Travolta
Understanding the T-Meter

No review available.

Federico Fellini
Nobody Cares

Today it is usually referenced as a mere meta[critic for the white trash].
Full Review

John Seigenthaler Sr.
Wikipedia

The site provides critical reviews and access to trailers [thus makes films more accessible to white trash].
Full Review

Eric T. Cartman
Conservapedia

I'm afraid no. Silicon implants cannot be repaired once removed. But his breasts are still in here. [places his hand on Kenny's chest] Almost... trapped in here, if you will. Kenny is the same as he ever was. It's just that, now, he's more like ...Rotten Tomatoes.
Full Review

Kenny's doctor
South Park

Similar to the hit movie Rush Hour, this site's objective is to prove that not everything in cinema is black and white -- sometimes a black-and-yellow combination is also possible.

Charles Chaplin
UnMovie Review

So there's Papa Tomato, Momma Tomato and Baby Tomato rotting in the sun. Baby Tomato starts complaining, and Papa Tomato starts getting really angry. So, he turns around and squishes Baby Tomato and says, 'Tomato Jews.'

Uma Thurman
Pulp Fiction

I feel rotten, just saw Antichrist
Here we are now entertain us
An albino a mullato
A tomato a tomahto
A denial.

Kurt Cobain
Smells Like Teen Spirit

Fresh Prince.
Johnny Rotten.
I rest my case.

Chris Cornell
Scream

November 20, 2009: RT not settling for TV
The fourth film adaptation of Rotten Tomatoes, Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes, based on the legend of Evil Pizza, will be released in 2011. Free chipotle a-la mushroom ketchup will be served at the premiere. More...

January 1, 1999: RT is revealing its score-calculating method for the first time
Apparently all the movies are first divided into movies with at least 1 available review and movies with 0 available reviews. So, since division by 0 is undefined in binary mathematics, the only movies worth a mention are the ones with at least 1 available review. More...

c. 429 BC: First RT ever goes to Oedipus
Mr. Oedipus is presented the first RT in history during the parent possessing scene in Sophocles' Oedipus the King. More...

Cream of the Crap

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