UnNews:Christmas Campaign heats up
Thursday, December 22, 2016
In the past two weeks following the death of Santa Claus we've been covering the exciting campaign to replace him as the Icon and Ruler of Christmas. Out of a race of thirteen, Krampus, once considered the dark goat of the race, has emerged triumphantly as the frontrunner, projecting to win by a snowy landslide.
The furry Austrian demon has ran on an unconventional "Make Christmas Creepy Again" campaign, promising to bring fear and retribution back to the season. It's a platform that has gained him huge momentum worldwide among voters, most of whom cite being tired of holiday schmaltz and wanting to turn Christmas into Halloween with punishment. While that might be intriguing, maybe even arousing, to some of us, the success of his campaign has pushed him into more radical directions. Among his more extreme issues:
- All naughty children will be severely punished in accordance with their sins, with punishments ranging from a simple beating to being dragged down to Hell. Good children will merely enjoy the relief of knowing they were spared from Krampus' wrath. Your presence is your presents.
- A key plank in his "tough on naughtiness" plan involves citizen surveillance with tiny cameras placed in every Elf on the Shelf™ doll. Santa was all talk and blowing smoke up our asses. Krampus will actually see you when you're sleeping.
- There'll be scary ghosts stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long ago that weren't so terrifying.
- All the other holidays that aren't Christmas will have no place in the so-called 'holiday season'. Krampus vows to build a wall around Christmas and make Hanukkah and Kwanzaa pay for it.
- That being said, Krampus has also made appeals to multiculturalism. Nativity scenes will no longer feature Jesus' family, shepherds or Magi, but instead showcase various pagan deities, such as Saturn, Mithra, Xenu, Cthulhu and all the Old Ones. Baby Jesus will still be swaddled in the manger so as to keep Christ central to Christmas.
- Subsidations towards all spirits who terrorize bitter old people. This one was conceived by Krampus' chief advisor, the ghost of Charles Dickens.
The other Yuletide monsters who ran in the election have all endorsed Krampus, campaigning for him in their respective countries. The exception being Jólakötturinn the Icelandic Yule Cat, who's now Krampus' running mate.
Fearing the dire consequences of a Krampus-run Christmas, the Vatican has been scrambling to find a more godly and safe alternative. Most of the candidates from the race either dropped out early or died. The Grinch, with his heart so big, was originally the prime choice. Unfortunately, the stress of the campaign apparently got to him and he relapsed back into a life a crime. He's currently working with the remaining Yule Lads stealing poor folks' sausage and useless crap around the house. Gizmo was also a voters' favorite, until someone spilled water on him and his offspring hacked Cypress Hill's Instagram. Voters love Cypress Hill, so that pretty much ruined his campaign. Dennis Kucinich, the jolly elf of peace and progress, was possibly the most promising choice of all to succeed Father Christmas. That was, until his campaign saucer was shot down by a redneck while flying over Alabama.
With no other option, the Vatican handed the nomination over to the Nutcracker. The Nutcracker has both the fame and, being a hansom prince, the political experience to succeed Santa. He'll definitely deliver gifts to children, but they'll generally be cracked nuts. His running mate is a cowboy who rides an ostrich.
So far reception to the Nutcracker has been lukewarm. Polls show most voters consider the Nutcracker "boring" and "kind of lame". A #NeverNutcracker movement has sprouted among Kucinich voters switching over the Krampus, calling the toy solider a "warmonger". As it stands, most of the Nutcracker's support is derived from fans of the ballet and everyone else who is too scared of Krampus. Whether that is enough for him to win is up to the Fates to decide.
The new icon of Christmas will be chosen by representative electoral conclave at the Vatican on Christmas Eve. As soon as red and green smoke pours out of the chimney of the Sistine Chapel, the world will know a new King of Christmas has been crowned. We'll post the results as soon as they come in. Voting booths are open now at malls across the globe. Who will come out victorious? Krampus? The Nutcracker? Or will some contrived miracle swoop in at the last minute and save us from this madness? Be sure to cast a ballot, then hang your stockings and say your prayers.