UnNews:Santa still dead

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Friday, December 9, 2016

Did the movies lie to us, or did Santa's death void their truthiness?

A few days ago mankind was shocked to learn that Santa Claus had died, his frostbitten body fished out of the fringes of the Arctic Ocean. After a week filled with mourning, tears and pretty words from world leaders, the denial phase has passed and reality is setting in: Yes, Virginia, Santa is dead.

Before Claus was cremated, the Vatican pulled together a team of priests, scientists and necromancers to attempt to revive the bloated jelly belly. Alas, to no avail. Though their methods were shrouded in secrecy, the Church's Head of Theologism Dr. Father Murphy was allowed to discuss small details with the press. "We were hoping for a Jesus situation," said Murphy, "in which he would resurrect after three days. That didn't happen. So then we were hoping someone else putting on his coat would transform into the new Santa. You know, like in that movie. That didn't work either. We even combined the idea and put the coat back on Santa's corpse just in case it would reanimate him as Zombie Claus, giver of gifts and seeker of brains. Nope. We watched about a hundred more Christmas movies for ideas, but nothing we tried panned out. Our quantum scientists even ruled out the possibility that we're living in an alternate reality created by an angel to stop a depressed family man from committing suicide. A baker's dozen cats we killed show that all parallel universes point to the inevitability of Santa falling through the ice. It's hopeless. He's dead and he ain't coming back."

Politicians have never been so adorable.

With the death of Santa comes a huge power vacuum. The Vatican announced that a new earthly representative of Christmas is required, just as the Pope serves as the earthly representative of Christ. Since Santa has no living next-of-kin after his entire extended family also died, it was decided that the shift of power shall be a democratic process. A special global election will be held this year to choose the new Christmas icon. Everyone on Earth will be allowed to cast a ballot, even those annoying Jehovah's Witnesses. The idea was cooked up by the ever progressive Pope Francis, saying, "There can be no alternative but democracy by popular vote, for it was Santa himself who taught us to believe in fantasies."

So far the two frontrunner candidates are North Pole survivors Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman. Results of the election will be announced Christmas Eve as the new King or Queen of Christmas is crowned. We'll keep you up to date as this story unravels.