UnNews:Red-nosed reindeer shot by redneck

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Sunday, December 18, 2016

Jingle bells, shotgun shells..

It was devastating enough when Santa died. Now the world has lost its favorite adorable mutant freak of nature that isn't one of the X-Men. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, a red-nosed reindeer and frontrunner in the race to replace Santa, died last night in a horrible hunting accident.

The incident happened while Rudolph was out campaigning in Alabama. He was flying over the wooded pines of Karenga County when a hunter had confused the poor ethereal caribou for a UFO. The hunter in question, one Billy Todd Joe, told reporters, "I was out huntin' - it had to be about an hour or two after midnight. It was pitch blindin' dark, I shit you not, when all of the sudden I saw this weird red light in the sky. I did what every red-blooded American does when he sees something that confuses him and I shot it. I shouted, 'You ain't gettin' my ass this time, you green sumbitches!' Turns out I done shot one of Santa's reindeers. Life sure is crazy some times."

Billy Todd was hounded all day over whether he still had Rudolph's body for the sake of autopsy, funeral arrangements...and hope. "I'm sorry, I done ate him. I tell ya hwut, that buck sure was tasty. He tasted just like all the dreams and fantasies of childhood. Went great with hot sauce!" When asked what he did with any possible remains: "Oh, I mounted his head in my den. His nose still glows if you tap it. I guess Rudolph is like one of them lightning bugs. Ya know, when you smack them while their butts are lit up, then smear the glowin' juice on your face. He's kinda like that. Shines my den up like a crime photo lab. Ironic, ain't it?" Billy Todd agreed to at least donate some of his refrigerated leftovers to the Vatican in hopes that they can clone Rudolph before Christmas Eve.

In normal circumstances, the assassination of a political figure is one of the highest of crimes punishable by life in a maximum prison at best. However, the stand your ground laws in Alabama clearly state that citizens are allowed to shoot unidentified flying objects if they believe they pose a threat. Rudolph's North Pole citizenship is also problematic, as being born in a magical land that only exists in the minds of children means it will be difficult to have Billy Todd Joe prosecuted under international law. Also, animals don't really have rights.

Despite being proud to have shot to most famous reindeer of all, Billy Todd still shared some remorse over his tragic mistake. "If I could do it all over, I probably wouldn't shoot that poor little buck again. Or maybe I would, since doing it over means I can time travel without making one of them pair a' boxers, but I ain't too good with hypa'theticals. Nah, but I'm real sorry to childrens everywhere that I killed Rudolph. I know, it sucks, but like my mama always said, 'When life gives you crap, you turn around and make a crap cake.'"

After bagging a reindeer game that will go down in history, Billy Todd Joe says he isn't quite done with hunting holiday characters, saying he plans next to catch each and every one of the Yule Lads. "Go ahead! Keep stealin' my stuff and fuckin' my chickens, ya little bastards! I got enough coon traps for all y'all!"