UnNews:The Anticlaus has arrived

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Monday, December 12, 2016

Subtlety has taken a holiday.

With the campaign for a new Father Christmas underway, a new contender has thrown his hoof into the ring: Krampus.

The legendary Christmas demon served for many years as a bondaged slave to St. Nicholas[1], only being granted just enough liberty to dish out punishments to the naughty. However, with St. Nick now perished, the charismatic native of Austria is now free to persue whatever mischievous career he so desires, and it seems he has his eyes on his former master's job.

Carrying a bundle of sticks as his symbol, the horned one spoke before a howling crowd of otherworldly monsters in an ancient goat tongue[2]:

Cquote1.svg When I was but a calf suckling on the teats of Lucifer, the winter solstice was a time of fear and darkness. I look at the holidays now and what do I see? Twinkling lights and candy canes. It's a Hallmark card. It's a picture print from Currier and Ives. It's sickening is what it is. What happened to the Yule of old we all remember fondly? When it was sacrifices that were roasted on an open fire? When mistletoe was a weapon that murdered a fucking god and not just an excuse to French? When you'd only hear bratty children screaming and bawling because respectful gouls such as myself were dragging them down to the Hell. Winter was totally metal then. Now it's a soft rock station pandering to Baby Boomer nostalgia.

This world as we know it is too pampered, too decadent and too materialistic. That is why I am declaring my candidacy for Ruler of Christmas! If you help me, I promise we can desantatize the season, bring due punishment to the wicked and terror back to the hearts of man! December shall truly be the darkest month once more! Together we can MAKE CHRISTMAS CREEPY AGAIN!!

Cquote2.svg

Krampus, once considered a fringe holiday icon, has grown in popularity over the past few years thanks to increasing media attention. A sudden spike in movies, television, books and merchandise dedicated to the Yuletide boogeyman have given him a certain celebrity that could mean a viable shot at becoming the new Christmas icon. So far Krampus is mostly earning grassroots support from pagans who want to reclaim the solstice from Christianity, along with Satanists, metalheads, your everyday Scrooges and/or grinches, and teenagers who think their mom's fluffy holiday spirit is a major buzzkill to their inner turmoil, GOD.

The Vatican is not exactly thrilled with Krampus' attempt to 'spoil' the election, but Krampus insists that his policies of fear and torture are consistent with the history of the Catholic Church.

Footnotes[edit]

  1. In more ways than one
  2. I.e. Aramaic