Commercial Conformity Period
- Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Christmas? Well, so are we.
“Conform or face the consequences. Have a Merry Christmas!”
Commercial Conformity Period (Branded as CCP)[1] is a period of time, likened by many to Christmas but with that 'Marks and Spencer' feel, officially branded as "Christmas: Now with less guilt-inducing religiosity", this year sponsored by Argos. Lasting from August 25th[2] until an abrupt end on December 26th, people are forced, by the power of guilt, to purchase overpriced novelty gifts which are generally only used one day in the year before they either break or are placed at the back of the wardrobe and never spoken of again.
Traditions
During Commercial Conformity Period, it is tradition to adorn one's house with pieces of card, which are pegged on an indoor washing line before later being recycled as shopping lists. It is also customary to purchase a plastic imitation tree [3] and place it in the middle of the front room with some of the branches obstructing the television in order to achieve a general atmosphere of dread to enforce upon one's relatives.
Whilst the more wealthy and environmentally friendly opt to use a genuine ten foot fir, beech or palm tree, most households own a ceremonial yucca plant which is taken from the attic each year and placed on the kitchen table. This negates the problem of picking pine needles out of one's feet, hands and ears in January, though is less effective in injuring less popular family members.
Additionally, many members participate in group scavenging, visiting the houses of old people chanting such demonic ditties as Santa Claus is Coming To Town to intimidate the unfortunate victim into handing over money to make them stop.[4]
United Kingdom
In the UK, participants gather together on December 25 to attend a speech by the Great Leader of the Conformity Period, The Queen. They then proceed to view forced screenings of such propaganda as Morecambe and Wise and Only Fools and Horses and overtly express humour at designated points, prompted by poorly edited canned laughter.
To make matters worse, some smart Alec executive decided to screen the Boxing Day Test Match just as people are getting into the Period Spirit to dampen any hopes or expectations anyone may still have.
United States
The US suffer a particularly extreme form of punishment. Scheduled screenings of lengthy propaganda films such as "A Christmas Carol", "Santa Claus is Coming To Town" and That Stupid Coca Cola advert are rotated on networks non-stop. [5]
In retaliation, many Americans take part in ceremonial acts of hatred and bitterness towards the Gods.
A new option is the worship of an unadorned aluminum pole, or "moneyless tree". In an attempt to maintain the illusion that there is some seasonally redeeming value to this behavior, the aluminum pole is often referred to as a "Festivus Pole". It is not known if a "festivus pole" has ever been shoved up someone's ass; however, it has certainly been considered.
Botswana
A nation where regulations against the non-conformist are less stringent, Botswanans gather together to celebrate Santa's Night with the traditional partaking of live, screaming monkeys taking place on the stroke of midnight. In Botswanan culture, the screaming of primates is said to ward evil spirits. Either that or they are made incredibly bitter by the overcommercialisation of a once Holy period. Or they're just starving. Should this be the case, Bob Geldof has a lot to answer for.
Lapland
Unfortunately for the people of Finland, CCP has even spread to the home of Christmas. In an attempt to embrace this relatively new concept, Lapland managed to secure the rights to sponsor the highly lucrative deal to Christmas 2000 under the slogan 'Christmas comes Home'. Head of the Finnish Holidays Board, Mr. S Claus, opened the ceremony, announcing that this would be the greatest, most spectacular Christmas yet. At this point he proceeded to produce a bellowing laugh whilst holding his considerable stomach, before coughing uncontrollably and claiming that Christmas "would be the End of him".
Uniform
During the Period, people are forced to wear cardigans, gaudy ties and Simpsons socks. In addition, many people attend their place of work dressed as reindeer or Elves, and no-one bats an eyelid, not even the manager, who himself is usually wearing a gorilla or chicken suit, a welcome change from the gaudy ties he actually wears the rest of the year.
Those that ordinarily dress as gorillas or chickens choose instead to dress as Santa's helpers. However this is largely hazardous, as it is tradition for children to kick Santa in the shin. The more clever get paid to sit in supermarkets and have this happen to them under the shelter of a Wal-Mart roof.
End of the Period
At the end of the period, unwanted remnants are collected and donated to charity taken back to the store for a refund. Relatives are driven home or burnt on a Bonfire, if one lives in Scotland, where the Conformity Period ends on January 25th. New Years' Resolutions end and Santa goes to the pub for large pints of shandy.[6]
Everyone is sad at thought of having to return to work or school and goes about their dreary lives as normal until August the next year, when once again Commercial Conformity Period shall light up the lives of the poor and bring money signs to the eyes of the rich.
Sponsoring
This year, Commercial Conformity Period is sponsored by Argos. In the past, many companies have captured the lucrative deal with the owners of Christmas©, the Coca Cola corporation, who refused to rent out the honour until 1993, when the Supreme Court ruled its Monopoly was unfair on McDonald's.
Previous Sponsors
Coca Cola have owned the rights to Christmas© since 1945 and sponsored the event up until 1993. Since then, there have been a number of different sponsors of Commercial Conformity Period. Each has had the opportunity to announce a new slogan for that year's celebrations.
- 4 AD - 1944: The Christian Faith. "The true meaning of Christmas"[7]
- 1945 - 1993: Coca Cola. "Always Christmas Cola"
- 1994 - 1999: The Christian Faith, again[8]. "Christmas is back"[9]
- 2000: Finland. "Christmas Comes Home 2000 years on"
- 2001: Ann Summers. "XXXmas"
- 2002: Iceland (the country). "Santa's Second Home"
- 2003: Iceland (the Supermarket) "Santa's
Secondthird Home" - 2004: Nextel. "Nextel Presents 'Christmas' 2005"
- 2005: Motorola. "HelloMotoXmas V690 with Bluetooth capability"
Criticism
Many have levelled the criticism that Commercial Conformity Period is a very unreligious occasion. However, unlike its poorer cousin Christmas, CCP does not discriminate when it comes to religion. Instead, it forces all faiths to take part, no matter how embracing of modern culture. In fact, the more you hate CCP, the more it is forced upon you by the powers that be.
Effect on Employees
Others claim that CCP's principal spearhead, Mr K Kringle, is being completely overworked by his bosses. The constant pressure to keep his weight above twenty five stone was taking its toll, in particular for a man over 150 years old. In retaliation, Coca Cola reassured worriers that that his pay is 'exceptional' for a man who only works one night a year and anyone who makes any further such comments will be placed on the 'naughty' list interminably. At the same official press conference, Mr Kringle himself made the statement:
| “ | I don't mind CCP, so long as people keep putting out the mince pies and, of course, glasses of Coca Cola. | ” |
Footnotes
- ↑ Originally called the Conventional Commercial Conformity Period, or CCCP, it was abbreviated when some complained that it sounded too communist.
- ↑ When the Coca Cola Company begin showing 'that' advert
- ↑ Real trees are now quite rare due to global warming.
- ↑ People living on their own are urged to lock their doors during Commercial Conformity Period.
- ↑ It's no wonder Santa refuses to watch TV these days
- ↑ Well, he does have to drive back to the North Pole, it would be illegal for him to drive after drinking lager.
- ↑ Or, usually just 'Christmas'. Boring eh?
- ↑ Unfortunately.
- ↑ Commercial Conformity Period temporarily renamed 'Christmas' for this period.
See also
External links
Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.
