The Love Page
Come on in, IP! I am the Love Page. Take a seat upon my warm, comfortable cyber sofa and let me pour you a chilled, crisp virtual drink. Don't like drink? No problem... you tell me what you'd like. A nice steak? A lovely bowl of Coco Pops? Coq au Vin with horseradish sauce? I'll have it ready for you instantly. Why?
Because I love you.
Think of this as your page, IP. Every word written on here has been painstakingly chosen to give you a well-earned slap on the ego-bottom. Don't blush, don't shuffle coyly, it's all for you, beautiful creature. Just lay back, allow me to put on your favourite CD (Enya? Coldplay? Oingo Boingo? I've got it all!) and dim the lights to a level that makes you comfortable. Oh baby you do look tense. Just relax and await while Megan Fox/Wentworth Miller fetch the oils. No, no, put your wallet away, silly, the only currency here is love. And I have plenty. I am the Love Page. And it's all for you.
Why I Hate You
Touch the smooth, delicate skin on your cheek and run your fingers through your sleek, glossy hair. Doesn't that feel nice? Aren't you just the kind of person that deserves my love? Stand in front of the mirror and admire your strong, no-nonsense jaw; the shapely contours of your unblemished forehead; the little spark in your eye that says "I'm a winner." Whisper it soothingly to yourself through those gently parted lips and repeat. "I'm a winner." Because it's true. You are a winner.
And I love you.
Now, remove your clothing. Don't be shy, you've seen my source code. Would you like a hand with your belt?
Review the impeccable muscular definition; the taut, firm contours of your exquisitely coloured flesh and keen, tender arms. They're the sort of arms that I want to hold me at night. They're the sort of hands I want to lovingly stroke my face. They're the sort of fingers... well you get the idea.
No, you are not too fat. They are called love handles for a reason. Because I love them. Besides, they aren't noticeable; I only really saw them when you pointed them out. And no that's not cellulite, silly, they're love dimples. And I love them, too. Have you been working out? Look at those legs! Willowy and sleek, like two perfectly carved totem poles. Honestly, how do you do it? Can I touch them? Too far? Forgive me.
I love you.
Why I Don't Love You
Don't be ridiculous! Let's just pretend that heading isn't there. You know how I feel about you. More wine?
Well we've known each other for a while now IP and I love you more than life itself. Every moment with you is like a breath of fresh, honey-scented air being injected directly into my nose. I'm captivated by your every step, dazzled by every blink of your eye and get excited at the mere mention of one of the letters that's in your name. Every moment with you is like a lifetime of happiness, and every time we kiss a new star is born in heaven.
And well... I've been meaning to ask this for a while but...
Oh God I can't believe I'm going to do this...
Will you marry me?
I know it's soon but I just really think this could work...
Was that a yes? It looked like you were going to say yes for a second... yes? Yes???
Oh I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you...
Where Have You Been?
Oh, hello. Remember me? The Love Page?
Sorry, it's just been a long day and you said you were going to call earlier...
No, my phone's been on all day...
Because I checked it like a million times! It's fine, though, honestly. Come here. I love you. I don't mean to get mad, I just... oh. The phone's ringing. That'll be for you.
Was that Ashley?
I know who Ashley is because you called them like forty-two times last month!
...of course I can look at your phone bill, we're married! Besides, what are you trying to hide?
...nothing? Just tell me honestly IP, are you having an affair?
I believe you... if you say you're not then I believe you, OK? Ssssh. Ssssh. Don't cry. Let's get a takeaway tonight. Don't cry, baby.
I love you.
You're Late. Again.
Don't turn on the light. Close the door. Sit down.
...I don't want excuses. Here, I made you dinner.
... I know it's cold, but you're going to eat it. Because I made it for you. Because I love you.
...JUST FUCKING EAT IT!
...Don't fucking cry IP! Alright? Don't fucking cry! You know what happens when you start that shit!
Don't just swirl it around in your mouth, eat it! I want you to taste my love with every single mouthful. I want you to feel me inside you. I want you to swallow it all and then, when it comes out the other end, you're going to eat that too. Because that's how much I love you. And you'll never leave me again, right? Promise me you'll never leave me again. SAY IT!
...Good. Now we can be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Nothing can stop my love for you, darling.
I love you.