Game of Thrones
“Kings and queens, knights and renegades, liars, lords and honest men...all love gratuitous boobies”
“So...do I need to sign a contract for season two? Guys? Anyone?”
Game of Thrones: What a Sweet-Ass Chair is a pornographic historical docu-drama set primarily in the kingdom of Westeros. It charts the rise and fall of numerous factions, chiefly great Houses, as they battle amongst themselves over who can get laid the most. The show is adapted from A Song Of Ice and Fire, an ongoing fantasy series authored by the Irish and Maltese tourist organisations in conjunction with the British and Irish actors union Equity, chiefly by putting the names of various characters in a hat, then drawing them out in pairs to decide if characters "like" or "hate" each other. This method of writing has been given a pen name, George R.R. M.A.R.T.I.N, and the series has been running on HBO for a fanbase described alternately as "rabid," "mad as a lorry," "capable of serious bodily harm" and "imp fetishists."
The principal plots involve a confrontation between House Stark and House Lannister, over whether the Queen has been having sex with her brother or her husband; the tale of Jon Snow, who travels north and subsequently laments not having sex; and lastly follows the rise of Daenerys Targaryen, a princess of the deposed former royal family of Westeros, who is sold to a barbarian warlord for her youth and beauty. The show has so far been a success, and HBO have finished a second series based on the sequel: A Clash of Kings: Blood and Titties. Artistic director Sterling Whoopee has stated they are confident the series will continue, and plans to adapt the third and fourth and fifth and unfinished sixth books as well, entitled A Storm of Swords: Everyone Fucking Dies, A Feast for Crows: They Call me Queen Bitch, Dancing with the Dragons: Among Other Fetishes and Winter's Coming, Or Something.
The show has largely been faithful to the original books, with only minor changes to the amount of lesbian sex shown (approximately 78% of screen time is given over to this, compared to 57% worth of description in the books). New scenes have been added, such as the establishing scene for lead character Tyrion Lannister, to show the series' production values, and a new character has been written in named Ros, a prostitute with a well-developed and rounded character development arc. Aside from these minor changes, HBO have so far stuck faithfully to the 20,459 sub-plots which make up the plotline. Critical response to the series thus far has largely been positive. In particular, many critics have praised the performance of Peter Dinklage as Tyrion, with Postern Banksy of The Guardian writing "if Dinklage doesn't get an Emmy, I will find whoever organises that dripping fungus of an awards ceremony and I will tie them down and bleed on them. Seriously. I will fuck their shit right up, you won't believe it. I'll put the bastard's face on the side of a milk carton."
- 1 Setting
- 2 Characters
- 3 Plot
- 3.1 Westeros
- 3.2 Essos
- 4 Reception
- 5 See Also
- 6 Notes
Game of Thrones is set primarily on the continent of Westeros, which is divided into seven kingdoms. As a favour to stupid people, areas of the continent are often referred to by compass direction, such as "the North" or "the South," and the series begins with a handy map showing the viewer where each episode will be set. Westeros is a diverse landscape, reflecting many real-world locations such as England, Scandinavia and Middle-Earth. The exception is the storyline of Daenerys Targaryen, which is set on the continent of Essos, where the economy runs largely on eating horses and bumming slave-boys.
Winterfell: The home of series one protagonist Eddard Stark and his family, Winterfell is a balls-ass freezing castle in the North. It tends to vary in size, from a simple courtyard to something approaching Gormenghast castle, but most witnesses agree that it is definitely a structure of some sort. Notable locations include the Well, the Piss-up Hall and the Tower of Twincest.
King's Landing: The Capital of the Seven Kingdoms, King's Landing is an enormous city built entirely from yellow Lego bricks. It is the seat of the royal family, and the location of the the Super Sweet-Ass Chair from which the series takes its name. A night out in King's Landing has been described as "creamy and gentle. Right up until the fisting." The city tourist board have rejected this statement, however: "We deny any knowledge of unlawful fisting in King's Landing. The reviewer just happened to jump ass-first from a window as King Robert was passing by and stretching his big, fat arms." In response, the king shouted "BOOBIES!" and attempted to drink his squire's liver.
The Eyrie: Hey, you want to hide? I have the perfect place for you. The Eyrie is a tumescent erection sat atop a sheer outcrop of rock, miles from anywhere, a throbbing stone penis impregnable to anyone except the most determined and horny of sellswords. The Eyrie is the home of the warden of the East, and as such manages to create the perfect storm of being a power thrusting into the realm whilst being completely unassailable. The Eyrie's regent, Lysa Tully, has so far failed to take advantage of this unique position due to a slight case of bat fuck insanity.
The Wall: Whilst Winterfell is balls-ass freezing, The Wall is a seven hundred foot wall of ice that takes it one step further by freezing your balls, your ass, your penis and your happy trail into one terrible icy lump. The Wall stands at the edge of the Seven Kingdoms, a seven hundred foot wall of ice that protects the Kingdom from wildlings and other, mysterious threats from the far, frozen north. The seven hundred foot wall of ice is manned by the Night's Watch, and is the only real line of defence against the threat of the White Walkers, a mysterious enemy long passed into legend. Rumours of budget constraints in showing the dreaded White Walkers were dismissed as "a load of tosh and pebbles. Spare any change?" by HBO producer Zambang De Dineedang.
Beyond The Wall: A common belief in Westeros is that The Wall is the end of the world. This is completely retarded, as the area beyond The Wall is home to freakish blue-eyed murderous zombie-type things called wights. We only see the area beyond The Wall briefly, but the ensuing terror is sufficient to leave most viewers crying like a cissy bitch being gangbanged by furiously horny mammoths. Looks a bit like Canada.
Pentos: Pentos is where Daenerys starts her journey. It is a luxurious city of marble and gardens, where women frolic around naked and (it can be assumed) everything smells like flowers.
The Dothraki Sea: The Dothraki, nomadic horselords who ride around giving lessons in badassery and stabbity death, have an enormous fear of the sea, which they refer to as the "poison water." Residents of Essos have therefore humourously named the great grassy plains they inhabit the "Dothraki Sea." Because fuck you, Dothraki.
Vaes Dothrak: The Dothraki's only city, it is deceptive in that it looks exactly like there isn't anything there at all. It is forbidden to spill blood in Vaes Dothrak, so disputes are typically settled with slapping and Chinese burns. The city is the capital of the Dothraki race, and the various khalasars meet here at important times to hold a giant orgy and horse-heart chewing contest.
The Shadowlands Beyond Asshai: No idea. But Jorah Mormont keeps mentioning them, and when you have his chin everything you say is important, especially in a voice that suggests it has been inhaling campfire smoke for years.
Currently, the only known story with a longer character list than A Song of Ice and Fire is British Telecom's epic The Phone Book. This has created problems for the series, as they were unable to recruit the entire population of any small countries to help out. Early rumours persisted that the show would largely be cast from kidnapped Oompa-Loompas, but screen tests for the part of Ser Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane proved that orange dwarves did not perform well as seven-foot-tall madmen. Of the original Oompa-Loompa cast, only Peter Dinklage remains. Some of the principal characters are listed below.
Starks (AKA "The Decent Chaps")
Eddard "Nigerian Prince? Sounds legit" Stark: The principal protagonist of series one, Eddard ("Ned" to his buddies) is honourable, loyal, strong and so stupid it's astonishing he lasted beyond the opening credits. He seems to trust everyone, even the blood-soaked man in the clown outfit encountered when visiting Duskendale, and predictably ends up being thrown into a dungeon. To rub salt into the wound, he is captured by a man whose nickname implies that his penis is much, much smaller than Ned's.
Catelyn "Lannisters. Lannisters everywhere" Stark: Formerly Catelyn Tully, Eddard's wife and sister to Lysa "Left-Eye" Tully, Catelyn is a mild-mannered woman in nearly all things. The only exception is that she will go freaking mental when there are dwarves, bastards, or bastard dwarves in the room. On her travels she kidnaps Tyrion Lannister, which causes the Queen, her brother and their father Tywin some small annoyance and starts a war. Nice going.
The Stark Children: Since the unexplained disappearance of baby Rickon, thought stolen by grumkins prior to the series' beginning, there are four legitimate Stark children: Robb, Sansa, Bran and Arya. They are more commonly known by their nicknames Northern, Bitchy, Shit Legs and I Will Fuck You Up if You Annoy Me, respectively.
Hodor: Hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor. Hodor hodor hodor hodor, hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor, hodor hodor, hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor. Hodor. Yep, that's about it for this character's development so far.
Lannisters (AKA "The Fucking Lannisters")
Cersei "One Penis and I'll Rule Them All" Lannister: The Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, mother of the heir to the Iron Throne, babelicious buxom royal totty, and cold-hearted super-bitch currently scheming her way into ultimate power. Spoiler: she's fucking her brother.
Jaime "The Fuckest Upest" Lannister: Brother to Cersei, sworn knight of the Kingsguard, slayer of Aerys II, the last Targaryen king, and an amoral mess of charm and violence. Spoiler: he throws a child from a window. And he's fucking his sister.
Tyrion "It's What You do With It" Lannister: A dwarf with more inventive euphemisms for masturbation than there are characters in this story. Though he has but a tiny frame, there exists the essence of several huge men in his loins alone. Probably the sharpest character in the series, his intellect appears to be only enhanced by a steady diet of booze, whores and sarcastic one-liners.
Baratheons (AKA Corpulent Rex and the Mystery of the Blondes")
Robert "MORE TITTIES" Baratheon: King of the Andals and the First Men...titles titles titles...Robert is a fat bastard, okay not in the "technical" sense, who likes nothing better than to stick either his sword or his penis into the warm, wet nether regions of another person. Initially a rather jolly fellow with a love of booze and wenches, Robert also proves to be a bit of an arsehole, ordering the death of a pregnant woman and insulting everyone he meets. He also slaps his wife.
Joffrey "Cunt. Seriously. He's Just an Utter, Utter Cunt" Baratheon: Son of Cersei Lannister and heir to Robert, Joffrey is...well, you read his nickname. He gets away with his all-consuming douchebaggery because he's the Prince, and because of his fearsome bodyguard, Burnt Face Man. Science has proven that no orgasm can possibly be as satisfying as watching Tyrion slap the slimy little bastard in episode two.
Renly "The Straight Man" Baratheon: The King's more fabulous younger brother, Renly is often found being the voice of reason against Robert's blusterfucking and Ned's refusal to get his hands dirty. He and his even-more-fabulous lover Loras Tyrell plot to take the throne between blowjobs.
Stannis "Who the Hell is Stannis" Baratheon: The unseen middle brother of the Baratheon family is said to be crazy, crazy, crazy, and crazy. Upon watching season two, the above adjectives proved accurate, though little known but also true is his justness.
Members of the Court (AKA "The King's Circle Jerkers")
Petyr "I Might Cut You Just Because I Can" Baelish: Known as "Littlefinger," Petyr is an effortlessly charming backstabber with a penchant for voyeurism and explaining his evil schemes to whores. This effectively makes him the Westeros version of a Bond villain, except that he's so damn charming you can't dislike him. Even when he's stabbing kittens in the face.
Varys "The Cockless Wonder": A eunuch and "master of whispers," which is fancy talk for nosey bastard (or Spymaster). Varys spends much of his time floating around like a powdered egg, making everyone's skin crawl, and doing generally shady things in dungeons. Despite his obvious disadvantage he likes nothing better than playing "my cock is bigger than yours" with Littlefinger.
Grand Maester "He's a Big Fat Phoney!" Pycelle: Maester Pycelle is the grandest maester in all the land, and appears to be your average bumbling, run-of-the-mill magical grandpa. That is, until his passionate thirst for children's blood kicks in; his massive white beard hides a chin full of conniving and unforgiving brutality. However, though he outranks all the other maesters in the land, he still answers to the even more elder, even more whiter-bearded clan of misters.
The Night's Watch (AKA "The Virgins")
Jon "Smouldering" Snow: Jon Snow is a mystery. At no point is his backstory referenced, and his status at Winterfell is a complete enigma. By the end of the second episode many viewers wrote letters to HBO begging them to include at least one reference to his parentage in the script. All we currently know is that he has lovely, lovely eyes...
Samwell "A Wizard did it!" Tarly: Sam Tarly is the oversized baby whose father threatened to murder him if he didn't join the Night's Watch. Unfortunately for Sam, he wasn't familiar with Westeros' laws against abortion, and joined the Night's Watch anyway. When he isn't complaining about the weather, he is usually found sniffing around in Jon Snow's underpants drawer. The concept of an overweight, bumbling comic relief sidekick called Sam has been praised as a completely original concept.
Across the Narrow Sea
Daenerys "Fuck You, I'm the Khaleeshi" Targaryen: 13-year old Daenerys is an albino and, along with her brother, the last surviving member of the Taragaryen royal family, who were the kings in Westeros before Robert came and fucked them up 'n shiz. She goes from a scared little girl to an ass-kicking Khaleeshi in an impressive four episodes.
Viserys "I'm the Dragon, beeeeeetch" Targaryen: Physically older than his sister Daenerys, though not mentally, Viserys combines the platinum hair of an aging stripper with the obnoxious attitude of a 12-year old playing Halo online with one hand whilst surfing 4Chan with the other. He finds out the hard way that it's generally a bad idea to threaten the unborn child of a warrior king in front of him. This information has now been added to Wikipedia, to prevent others from making the same mistake.
Khal "KHAL DROGO!!!" Drogo: Warlord of the Dothraki, or at least as many of them as are willing to be led, Khal Drogo is six-plus foot of pure fucking man. When not striding around like a barbarian god come to kick everyone's ass, Khal Drogo spends his time chewing barbed wire, waving his massive wang around and fighting off bears that have been armed with other bears. Spending more than two minutes in his presence will result in him having sex with you whether you like it or not.
There is a lot of plot in Game of Thrones. Normal television usually has some plot, and good television often has a fairly weighty volume of plot to carry it along, but Game of Thrones is the first known television series with enough plot to have its own gravitational pull. Between the ten thousand characters, the multiple locations across two continents, the 7,000 years of backstory...it gets a little scratchy-heady at times. In the grand spirit of Uncyclopedia, we will now attempt to accurately sum up the ten thousand separate plotlines that make up the series.
The North-South Divide: Fighting for Your Right to Parley
Eddard "Ned" Stark is chilling in the North, executing deserters, giving meaningful speeches, boning his wife Catelyn and generally being awesome as only Sean Bean can be. In the middle of his awesomeness he finds out that his old friend-cum-father figure Jon Arryn has died. He reacts as any sane person would, by hiding underneath a huge religious tree, and waits for his old friend King Robert to be rolled up the Kingsroad for a visit. Robert eventually arrives with his retinue of knights, toadies and chefs, where he names Ned his Hand (sort of a chief advisor whose advice seems to exist solely to be ignored). Ned is reluctant to take on the role. Possibly he had some more deserters to execute, it's not made clear, but then...a Plot Twist happens, when Catelyn gets a letter from her sister claiming that Jon Arryn was murdered by the blonde evil bastards, the Lannisters. Eventually he accepts and sets off for King's Landing with his two daughters; bubble-headed Sansa and drag king Arya. Bran stays behind, after getting his legs broken for watching Queen Cersei and her brother Jaime in an incest-themed Plot Twist.
Meanwhile, Back at The Wall
Jon Snow is moody and does nothing. Stares a lot at nothing in particular.
Valley of the Incestuous Plot Twists
On the way back to King's Landing we find out a bit about House Lannister, the family of the Queen. Mostly that they're all complete fuckheads (except Tyrion). The Queen gets Sansa's pet wolf killed, the Prince's bodyguard slaughters Arya's friend, and Jaime Lannister probably uses up all the toilet paper without replacing it, the insufferably smug prick. When they reach King's Landing the atmosphere has grown somewhat chilly. Once there, Ned begins to investigate Jon Arryn's death, hampered somewhat by Cersei, Varys and Littlefinger obsessively stalking him. In between fending off their advances and throwing away hand-drawn pictures of him and Petyr Baelish in their wedding finery, he discovers in a Plot Twist that Robert fathered a black-haired bastard blacksmith. His efforts are interrupted when Jaime Lannister has him surrounded, kills his men, kills the man who stabbed Ned's leg and made things "too easy", and publishes a satirical article about him online (just because). All because Catelyn sort-of took his brother hostage in a Plot Twist. War is starting to brew.
In a Plot Twist Sansa, who by this point is engaged to the twattish manchild Prince Joffrey, accidentally makes Ned realise that the King's children are in fact...not his children, and the Queen has been banging her brother Jaime, who got her sprog farming three separate times. Ned confronts the Queen, speaks with the King's brother Renly, and bribes Littlefinger to make sure the city watch will aid him when shit gets thrown to the ground.
Meanwhile, Back at The Wall
Jon Snow is moody, becomes a maid, and fights a zombie in a Plot Twist.
It's Sean Bean. Of Course You Saw This Coming
Shit, predictably, gets thrown to the ground and Littlefinger, even more predictably, betrays Ned in a Plot Twist after slapping him repeatedly and laughing in his face. Sansa is captured, Arya escapes, and up in Winterfell Robb (remember him?) decides to stop being Northern and get some revenge. After donning his best war-starting cloak, he musters Ned's BFFs to engage in some imminent violence. Surprisingly for a young boy fresh from his old man's court, Robb actually kicks a surprising amount of ass and manages to get his broody hands on the Kingslayer himself. Unfortunately, things aren't looking so good for Ned back in the capital. Varys has persuaded him to confess his "crimes" in public, deny he thinks that Queen Cersei is a brotherfucking whore, and take a hike up to the seven hundred foot wall of ice mentioned earlier.
Varys, however, has forgotten that they're dealing with that utter, utter little cunt Joffrey. Rather than letting him go, the royal dickhead engages in a Plot Twist and chops his head off in view of the entire city. This does not, as you might have guessed, lead to a peaceful resolution to the upcoming war. In response a crowd of furious northmen decide to make the teenage Robb their king, and Tyrion is sent to King's Landing to become The Hand and slap some sense into Joffrey.
Meanwhile, Back at The Wall
Jon Snow is moody, runs away and immediately comes back.
Chasing the Dragon: Rise of the (Targ)Aryans
Daenerys Taragaryen and her brother, Viserys, have been on the run ever since Jaime Lannister killed their father (the previous King) and Robert broke the Iron Throne by sitting on it. We join them in Pentos, where Magister Illyrio's beard is preparing to sell Daenerys to Khal Drogo, a warlord so manly he shits wolves. At this stage she is still more frightened by her handsy brother than anything else, so she goes along with it, knowing that she can then persuade him to use his fucking enormous army to reclaim the Seven Kingdoms. As a wedding gift, Magister Illyrio gives her some stone dragon eggs. She adapts surprisingly quickly to the Dothraki customs of chowing down on raw horse and playing Stick the Hole in the Person with anyone they encounter. The camera cuts to the dragon eggs. Her brother, however, is having a difficult time with the mandatory horse-riding due to his mandatory dickheadishness. The camera cuts to the dragon eggs.
Over time, Daenerys grows into her status as a queen and stands up to her brother. The camera cuts to the dragon eggs. He responds by getting plastered and, in a move later described as "frog stupid" and "fucktarded," threatens to kill his sister and her unborn child while Khal Drogo is watching. The camera cuts to the dragon eggs. This doesn't go down all that well with, well, anyone. Khal Drogo, in an act of terrifying brutality and manliness, burns Viserys to death with the flimsiest, fastest-melting WWE champion's belt ever seen. The camera cuts to the dragon eggs again.
After the Gold Rush
This seems to put a stop to the danger of Khal Drogo leading his screaming hordes across the Narrow Sea into Westeros. Whilst Viserys had been constantly harping on about reclaiming the Iron Throne from Robert's cold, dead sausage-fingers, Daenerys is now reasonably content as she has managed to become a Queen purely by using her vagina. It seems, for a short while, that the lords of the Seven Kingdoms can stop worrying about invading horselords and get back to their preferred hobbies of war, rape and waiting for winter to bloody well come. The camera cuts to the dragon eggs.
Unfortunately, it seemed nobody learned any lessons from Viserys' deep-fried corpse. Acting on Robert's instructions, a wine-seller attempts to poison Daenerys, but is stopped by her loyal companion Jorah Mormont. The camera cuts to the dragon eggs. Khal Drogo returns in a manly way, and is understandably pissed that someone has tried to kill his Khaleeshi sweety. The normally taciturn Drogo then decides to invade the Seven Kingdoms in a speech that will doubtless go down as the most manly and hardcore words ever uttered by man. Storming around like a Titan of vengeance, his muscles rippling, sheened with sweat, heerror:476. Homoerotic tension levels exceeded. Consult administrator.
As part of Operation: Fuck up the Seven Kingdoms, Khal Drogo gets wounded whilst doing some manly act or another. Daenerys asks a local witch to help him, but the wound festers, and he falls from his horse. Since the Dothraki are all about the horses, and respect only proper hardasses, a leader who falls from his horse is treated in roughly the same way as he would be if he had whipped out the tiniest penis known to man and attempted to insert it into the nearest pig whilst admitting he liked Justin Bieber. Daenerys, apparently not having learned her lesson, asks the same witch to help heal him. The camera cuts to those bloody dragon eggs again.
Whether the witch is deaf, stupid or malicious isn't immediately revealed, but for whatever reason she mistakes "heal my husband" for "turn him into a vegetable and kill my unborn son." Possibly it's a language barrier problem, but we quickly learn that the witch was just fucking with Daenerys because she can. Distraught, the Targaryen girl smothers her comatose husband with a pillow and orders her khalashar to build a funeral pyre that "will make George Lucas bleed with envy." The camera cuts to the dragon eggs, this time as they're being placed onto the pyre. Daenerys lights the fire, burning the witch-woman alive, then steps right up to join her husband in the flames.
Morning comes and the camera cuts to an ash-grey nude Daenerys surrounded by three living, breathing actual fucking baby dragons. Someone call the stable-boy, because that shit just got real.
Since airing, Game of Thrones has averaged twelfty million viewers per episode. Early indicators show that the viewers have been 100% male, 100% aged 13-19 and largely sourced from the "plays dungeons and dragons," "likes history" and "would, like, totally do Roxanne McKee" demographics. At the time of the series' beginning, the viewership was estimated at 90% straight, but this figure fell to the low 20's after witnessing Khal Drogo's speech at the climax of episode seven. Based on the current viewing figures, HBO have agreed to produce each and every one of the books into a series, but noted that Sansa's actress Sophie Turner will likely be 34 when the final book is published.
Game of Thrones has received a large amount of critical attention, with upwards of 54 new online threads being made each day with the subject "Game of Thrones, new TV show full of boobs!" Fan response from these discussions has been positive regarding the number of boobs, the quality of the boobs on display, the variation in boob types and the corresponding quality of the bums to which the boobs are connected. However, a small but disturbing sub-section of the fanbase have complained at the lack of boobage from Sophie Turner, who plays Sansa. The question of who possesses the superior set of boobs has seen a large amount of academic scrutiny, and is the subject of Gus Face's thesis A Cleavage in Twain: Round Royal Boobies and the Division of a Fanbase.
The average review scores for Game of Thrones stand at 83% "praline-filled" against 17% "needs corrective surgery." Roger Bieber has described the series as "a buffet of flesh and accents, it gave me the most magnificent of erections. Wait, which series was this again?" whilst Heebee Internet wrote "I have never seen anything so...so, truly...so wanton, so clearly a product of a deranged imagination. It was disgusting, violent, perverted...I was thrilled."
Some criticisms have been levelled at the show. Dr. Pransa Abu-Hamza, among others, wrote a scathing review of the lesbian sex scene in episode seven. "The orgasms were clearly faked," he wrote, "and there was an annoying short man talking over it all. The camera angles were all wrong, with barely any vagina on display, and I failed to understand the subtext. I will not be renting this porno again, and I do not advise others to watch it for any amount of money or cocaine." Other criticisms have been levelled at the amount of British actors in the show. Hank Hanker, writing for NRA Monthly, described the show as "confusing as heck! They got all these Brits in there and not one of them's drinking tea! And they aren't all the bad guys, either, this is all totally wrong." The producers responded by pointing out that one actor, Aiden Gillen, is Irish.
- M.A.R.T.I.N standing for Many Absolutely Ridiculous Twists In Narrative.
- We don't need no education.
- Seriously. Seven hundred foot wall of ice.
- Dothraki for "massive train of murderous bastards on horses. With whips."
- Ho deserved it.
- Either a penis size joke or this character is adept as a clitoris stimulator.
- Daenerys's age was upgraded by HBO to legally squeeze in more nudity and avoid lolicon slash fiction. This has so far failed.
- Like a queen, but with horses and far more nudity. Basically Catherine the Great.
- See previous note as regards Daenerys.
- Don't worry. He's so manly you'll end up enjoying it.
- Though it may be King Robert causing that effect.
- He escapes by talking about masturbation. HBO know their audience.
- A development, which to the boundless glee of 100% of the audience, involved real imp-slaps.
- Presumably doing something manly like carving up a roast pig with his sword.
- Oh, wait, Arya already killed him.