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Have you found yourself stuck in a rut recently? Inspiration refusing to flow? Ideas just not coming thick and fast any more? Girlfriend left you, computer broken down for the thirteenth time, or simply lacking any motivation to remove your corpulent carcass from the filth-laden cesspit you call a bed? Run out of alternative coping mechanisms or been divorced by your therapist? Has even your LiveJournal taken out a cease-and-desist order regarding the angst you so unfairly pour on it?
Evidently, my friend, you need some awesomesauce.
Why Do I Need Awesomesauce?
Throughout the endless gamut of trials and tribulations which you've had to run, you may have felt that something was missing. As gallon upon gallon of suffering was poured upon your head, surely the thought crossed your mind that you were worth better? That you deserved more? Face it, my friend. Your life has been truly harsh to you. There are no other white, suburban adolescents who have felt pain anywhere near as acute. Bearing all this in mind, don't you believe that you should have something more?
What Is Awesomesauce?
Brewed from a special brand of all-natural ingredients, naturally-occurring flavour enhancers and unnamed, but honestly beneficial extracts, Awesomesauce is truly a condiment with a recipe that cannot be imitated. Proven healthy and safe in numerous laboratory trials, Awesomesauce is just the condiment for you.
What Can Awesomesauce Do For Me?
Have you been having problems with the little guy downstairs? If so, Awesomesauce is for YOU! Its special blend of unique aphrodisiacs promises to provide a 150% increase in growth, while the attractive purple hue may even serve as built-in contraception.
How about problems with intellectual performance and brain capacity? A dose per day is clinically proven to decrease your mental capacities to the point where those around you will humour you by pretending that you are the genius you like to think you are.
Problems with women? Never fear, Awesomesauce is here! Proven to work well as a social lubricant, the phrase 'Don't worry - I'm carrying Awesomesauce' has been clinically shown to increase chances of getting laid by up to 0.1%. And when you do get lucky in the bedroom, think of Awesomesauce's versatile uses as quite another variety of lubricant.
Wanting to stage a dramatic teenage rebellion against the tyrannical overlords that dare to call themselves your parents? Never fear - our surveys have shown that only one percent of parents interviewed would be 'mildly concerned' if their offspring was found to be using Awesomesauce! It's now easier than ever to rebel against everything The Man stands for, just use Awesomesauce!
Awesomesauce goes well with spaghetti. But use only a small amount on it, for any extreme exposure will cause a horrible yet enthralling orgasm, and/or relief from pain and misery. Awesomesauce also makes every band's music good. Every band has a limited amount of awesomesauce. If they use all their awesomesauce in one record, all their other records suck a lot.