Forum:Uncyclopedia Opinion Section: I Shan't Let It Die

Forums: Index > Village Dump > Uncyclopedia Opinion Section: I Shan't Let It Die

Note: This topic has been unedited for 6113 days. It is considered archived - the discussion is over. Do not add to unless it really needs a response.

A few weeks ago I brought up the idea of having a section of UnNews for satirical opinion articles. I received a lot of good feedback, but I never managed to actually do anything, mostly because I was running the PLS at the time. But now done with that and I would really like to see this idea come to fruition. So let's discuss details. You go first, with any questions you may have, while I hurredly think up answers. Sir ENeGMA (talk) GUN WotM PLS 22:17, 2 August 2007 (UTC)

To The Editors:

Why must everyone have ideas? Is this seemly, for a 21st-century Government to be constantly at the mercy of people with ideas? I answer NO. What we want, and what we common people have wanted for a long time, is not to think. I for one am SICK TO THE DEATH of thinking. When I reflect that for the likes of Idea People I had both my legs blown off in the Canary Island War, why, I just want to kick the Idea People right in their collective rumps. But I can't. I have no legs. Our sacred right of idiocy is under attack! We have a right not to think!

Yours,

Mrs. Levulla Potrumpus, PhD (deceased)

(transcribed by ----OEJ 00:01, 3 August 2007 (UTC))

To The Editors:

After reading the above, I found myself coming to only one conclusion: Resounding agreement. Not with having no legs, of course. I have legs, which I am currently using to pace nervously as I dictate this letter to my scribe. And, not only am I opposed to thinking, I also find writing a tedious and thought-consuming process. Since these thoughts that are being consumed also need to be conceived in the first place, I have deemed that writing is also unseemly. I know that I speak for all Uncyclopedians when I say, why write? Can't we let the pages just write themselves?

Mine, NOT Yours,

Mr. Jonathan Potrumpus, Esq

P.S. Please, Levulla, take me back! I've changed! Really, I have!

Scribe: P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 00:47, 3 August 2007 (UTC)

To The Editors:

While many people may disagree with me, I find myself unable to hold back from expressing my opinion on what I consider a very important issue: the moon is useless. Really, what's the whole point of having a big ball of rock up there in the sky? First of all, it's ugly, like one of those big "abstract" works of "art" that they put in public places for no reason other than to disgust normal, non-artistic types like myself. Secondly, if my information is correct, the moon is actually quite large, and that means it shouldn't even be in the sky at all. I remember my physics, and gravity says that the moon is going to come crashing down on us eventually, because gravity always wins (my sagging rump is proof of that, thank you very much). Frankly, I don't know why they haven't taken it down already; it would prevent an otherwise inevitable accident from ever occurring, and in the meantime it would stop werewolves from piddling on my rosebushes once a month.

Sincerely,

Irwin Wendledips, KSC

(Written with the borrowed pen of: The Acceptable  Cainad  (Fnord) 02:31, 3 August 2007 (UTC))

Original Version

То зе едиторс:

И муст експресс мй суппорt фоr зис идеа. И белиеве зат зис вилл бринг импортант иссуес то зе массес. Оне импортант иссуе И воулд лик то бринг то лите ис зе усе оф Сйриллик. И белиеве зат ит ис еасиер то усе анд лоокс муч коолер зан зе плайн олд Латин алфабет. И деманд а гранд алфабетик реформ зат муст комменце ат зис момент. Афтер зис хаппенс, И воулд лик то сее зе ретурн оф коммунизм, ас ит ис муч беттер зан капитализм.

Жинборов Карновски

Transcribed version:

To the editors:

I must express my support for this idea. I believe that this will bring important issues to the masses. One important issue I would like to bring to light is the use of Cyrillic. I believe that it is easier to use and looks much cooler than the plain old Latin alphabet. I demand a grand alphabetic reform that must commence at this moment. After this happens, I would like to see the return of communism, as it is much better than capitalism.

Jinborov Karnovski

Transcribed by: General Insineratehymn 22:59, 3 August 2007 (UTC)

To the Editors:

Offended.

With All Due Respect,

Dr. R. A. Fuck - PhD, MD, Au.D., J.C.D., Ph.D., P.Th.D., EdD, DProf, EngD, DTech, DNursSci, DBA, DPA, DGov, D.D., M.D., DDS, DSc, DLitt, DA, DMA, DFA, DCL, DCL, LL.D., MChem, MPharm, MPhys, LHD, ThD, S.T.D., SSD, PharmD, DrPH, DPM, DPT, DPhil, DOM, OMD, PsyD, DSocSci, DSW, ND, D.C., DO, OD, DVM, V.M.D, J.D. and D.H.Sc.

--~

Jacques Pirat, Esq. Converse : Benefactions : U.w.p.

02:40, 4 August 2007 (UTC)

To the Editors:

I am concerned with the state of the nation today, but also with the fact that everybody's writing so many letters in this forum topic that I believe there'll be none left for the opinion section when it opens. I myself have no opinions other than this one, apart from the firm belief that teenagers should be pressed into national service with the Royal Ballet.

Yours since early,

Mrs R. I. P. Quentinburgerfeldt.

P.S. I enclose a severed monkey's head.

-- (but) Untrue  Whhhy?Whut?How? *Back from the dead* 09:05, 4 August 2007 (UTC)

Well, I'm convinvced

These letters have amused me to the point of uncontrollable giggling (*cough*especiallythe2ndone*cough*), and I am officially convinced that these letters to the editors could become an hilarious part of the Uncyclopedia. Very much an example of prime HTBFANJS. So.....um, For? P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 05:13, 3 August 2007 (UTC)

For. It will give me an excuse to be Anti-Semitic (those crazy Jews!)-- moribund Ape (agree) (Riot Porn) 20:25, 3 August 2007 (UTC)

• My one concern for this project/namespace/elaborate thing ENeGMA has spawned is that there may wind up being dozens of letters from Chuck Norris, Brian Peppers, God, Hitler, and the rest of the memé brigade. Other than that, I say give it a section on the Main page or UnNews page, and it'll be great. P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 02:39, 4 August 2007 (UTC)

To The Editors:

I must strongly oppose to this so called "letters" to the "editors" as it is a well known fact that these letters are being used for damn dirty apes to voice their antisemitic opinions versus the Jews, the colored, the gypsies, the homos, the grues and the Canadians. Also, Uncyclopedia have no editors.

Yours,

Mrs. Petunia Leatherhosen

(stereotyped by --~ 22:12, 3 August 2007 (UTC)

To Mordillo:

Mordillo, this is your muthah. How come you nevah coal? Is it so hahd to pick up the phone and coal your muthah? Your fathah will come home from work one day and find my dead body sitting here in the dahk, waiting for your coal. Oy oy oy, you'll miss me when I'm goan.

Your mutha

Mrs. Havi Morillo

(Pick up the phone, already. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 03:14, 4 August 2007 (UTC))

Formatting

To the Editors: In re Mr. Wendledip's letter of 8/3/07: I could not disagree more if the FBI put my tongue in a meat slicer and made me squeal. The moon has been a part of my personal, not to say sexual, life since I was a young boy in Louisiana. Many are the cousins and even sisters I have shared under the Moon's glossy light. Er, I mean, with whom I have shared the Moon's glossy light! But all that is in the past now as my sentence is for fifteen consecutive life terms. Still I like the Moon, if only for old time's sake. Yours sincerely, Jim-Fred Headcheese

To the Editors: I do not wish to sound the alarm too loudly, but MY PANTS ARE ON FIRE. The Russkies are to blame for this. In particular, I blame Premier Tom Mayfair, dern his commie soul. And yet our President does nothing. Why? I will tell you why: the crabs have seized his particulars and will not let go. Red crabs. The red crab menace will be the downfall of this country. Yours, Hortense Libulla

These would look better with a body-indent like the previous letters. But I am too lazy. I like two columns of letters, though, 'cos it looks more like a newspaper to me. ----OEJ 22:17, 3 August 2007 (UTC)

To The Editors: I'm quite alarmed with regards to OEJ's state of mind. It would seem that his mind might have cracked under the stress. Might I inquire if there is a doctor in the house? Sincerely, Jehowa E. Smithers esq.

~ 22:22, 3 August 2007 (UTC)

Editorials

State of Mind is a State of Mind

by Thaddeus F. Quickpucker, NY Harold-Spittoon

It is the considered opinion of this columnist that OEJ's mind cannot have cracked. Indeed, that is utterly and completely impossible: as we pundits all know, the alleged mind in question has the consistency and structural integrity of rice pudding. Even my good friend Charles Krauthammer agrees with this evaluation, and if anyone knows mental rice pudding from the inside out it is Charlie Krauthammer. OEJ's mind may have squished or become moldy, but it cannot crack.

But the question remains: how shall we present editorial matter in the purported section? Shall we use Courier font just because it is traditionally associated with cheap newsprint and rubbed-out copyboys? Or would it be better to use a more modern font like Helvetica or Pusillanimity or Times New Roman?

Whatever we decide, the wind will surely bear away the fruits of our labor. At the end we have only two cheeks, as the Prophet Bubbidiah says. Two cheeks and a useless tuft of hair. The reader may judge for himself, if he merely sits naked on a mirror.

© NY Harold-Spittoon, 8/3/2007, all rights reversed

Hey, I just noticed that sizing tags do not seem to work for Courier. What about Courier New? Small Normal Big yeah, that works, I changed the font in the editorial to New Courier. ----OEJ 23:36, 3 August 2007 (UTC)

Plainspeak

It appears that some Uncyclopedians at least are willing to write funny letters, and can write them quickly and well. We still have to talk about implementation of ENeGMA's idea. I am in favor of a retro-newspapery look, but all options are open. If a newspaper model is wanted, such pages usually include a double-page spread which includes a section of letters, two or more editorial columns, and two or so editorial cartoons. ENeGMA, if we wanted a newspaper-style section of letters in a double column as with the Headcheese/Libulla set above, how hard would that be to implement? ----OEJ 12:23, 4 August 2007 (UTC)

My thoughts

Dear Everyone,

In my unbelievably important and not at all humble opinion, we are faced with a trichotomy (which I believe is one more than a dichotomy, thought it is possible I just invented the word) which many of you lesser mortals were unaware of as you consumed your cheap meat products and diet soft-drink. I shall lay out your choices below.

1. Letters to the Editor, as in a newspaper.
2. Newspaper Column pieces, which would allow me to be the columnist I so richly deserve to be.
3. Blogs. As in the internet thing which I find strange and somewhat frightening.

I myself am leaning towards number two.

Sincerely, -- moribund Ape (agree) (Riot Porn) 19:23, 5 August 2007 (UTC)

Also, editorial cartoons. I am against including blogs, personally. Opinions can go in editorial columns by fictional pundits, or in guest editorials; a blog feature could be implemented but I would prefer blogs as a separate entities. One could easily create a blog in one's userspace, thus: Fat Bloggin' Bastard. Just like an independent blog it could be configured in any way the user wants to do it. Personally, I would prefer that users who want a satirical blog be free to implement it in their userspace upon their own responsibility. I imagine the mainspace opinions section as primarily editorial columns, plus letters, plus cartoons (probably in that order of importance). But that's just me. ----OEJ 15:21, 6 August 2007 (UTC)

Sounds good. However, not everyone will be capable of doing decent cartoons. -- moribund Ape (agree) (Riot Porn) 18:37, 7 August 2007 (UTC)

Absolutely. Probably the standard procedure will end up much like that for regular images: alter existing cartoons, photochopping them up and combining pieces from several sources along with a snappy caption and some risque thought balloons. ----OEJ 02:53, 8 August 2007 (UTC)

Vainity

To The Editors

When I watch the news now days all hear about is Paris Hilton going to jail or some Hollywood director and amateur activist making a huge rant about our our governments violation of human rights and the evilness and yet according to a study at Harvard have shown that viewer ship of all major news channels are on a sharp decline and at the same time fake news providers, such as unews are strengthening as a result. This makes it clear that people as unews a for their own gain. This makes it clear that viewers are getting tried of hearing about these celebrities on real news networks. The problems raised in this a fairly obvious: That people will use these fake news networks for their own personal gain. What we need to do is that we need to put you in the headlines more. We can see that there is some progress towards as apparent in last years time person of the year, you, but yet this is not enough. What needs to be done is that we need put your name here instead of you this means that instead of having news articles about Paris Hilton going to jail we now have articles about you going to jail and have you voice your opinion how you think our broken government should be run so you don’t have to do it on a fake network. If you won’t do this for the good of unews fine you can disagree with me but let's not worry about us,let's do it for the children.

Yours,

Some radio talk show host

(transcribed by --Scott 02:56, 10 August 2007 (UTC)

In other words,what will we do to prevent all the vanity that will obviously be a problem?--Scott 02:56, 10 August 2007 (UTC)

The same thing you do with vanity pages normally. -- moribund Ape (agree) (Riot Porn) 19:00, 10 August 2007 (UTC)

[Munching noises from the direction of (but) Untrue  Whhhy?Whut?How? *Back from the dead* ] 22:07, 10 August 2007 (UTC)