Zoroaster
“Life is tough, life is hard, so grease it up with antelope lard.”
“Zoroaster? More like Zoro-ass-turd! Heh heh heh...”
Zoroaster (Avestan Zaraθuštra) is credited with inventing the first monotheistic religion and nuclear energy. Historians disagree on when he lived, but many believe it was between 2000 BC and 1800 BC. He prayed to a single God called "Ahura Mazda" ("Rotary Engine") by hanging upside down for days at a time. Who knew, centuries later, a Japanese Wankel engine would ultimately occupy the position of the One True God?
Zoroastrianism (Persian: آيين زرتشت) was once the state religion of Sassanid Persia, and played an important role during the preceding Cambrian, Archimedean and Car Parthian eras. The religion, still practiced today, is also known as Mazda Driving by some followers and "The Sign Of The Z" by others.
Battle Between Mazda And Isuzu[edit | edit source]
In 1941, Japanese auto manufacturers began to align themselves on the side of good and evil. Over time, Anime Saints fought battles for control of the souls of drivers. The concept of Dualism plays a role when speaking of the Spenta Mainyu ("Mazda" or "Holy Spirit") and the Angra Mainyu ("Isuzu" or "Evil Spirit"). These two have a constant battle using laser guns, at the end of which the Holy Spirit will prevail by the power of Ahura Mazda. Legendary conflicts have taken place at drag strips, shopping malls, and libraries from Uzbekistan to Pakistan, and as far out as South Park Stan.
Schismatic Falderall[edit | edit source]
Less popular forms of Zoroastrianism believed that He was the son of Zorro and John Jacob Astor, the product of "miraculous birth", but these heathens were slaughtered in 1746 near present-day Kabul. The first splinter group synthesized the teachings of Zorro and John J. Astor into a new business model for Sassanid Persia. The losers were dismembered alive, in the name of God, naturally. The victors of this ancient internal struggle declared that "Zorro" was the Anti-Mazda and Astor was Evil Jesus. Zoroastrianism is still popular in Antarctica, Bermuda, and with insane people everywhere.
A Powerful God[edit | edit source]
Everyone knows God loves power. This is why He invested Ahura-Mazda with a 2-rotor power plant that has been carefully and artfully tuned to a whopping 348-rear wheel horsepower.
“Credit an Apex-I RX6 Turbo kit with custom intake piping and a Signal Auto custom Circuit Racing V-mount intercooler for most of the upgraded oomph. A SR Motorsports stainless down pipe and mid-pipe and dual Apex-I N1exhausts are called to duty to better handle increased airflow into and out of the combustion chambers.”
Zoroaster In Popular Culture[edit | edit source]
In 1992 He formed a Hip Hop band called "Zoroaster And The Master Blaster". Album sales were brisk, profits were up, and Zoroastrianism was about to post a record profit for the quarter. Disaster struck when flying monkeys disrupted a recording session, beating band members and throwing feces at engineering staff.
The band was disgusted, and the dance act girly-boys cried as havoc was wreaked and damage done to this venerable religion. Nothing was ever the same.
He has also made a comeback in recent times using the pseudonym pen name zorro.