You Should Get a Job

This isn't a job, this is your room. It's not good enough. Get a damn job and sort it out.

You! Yes, you. The layabout, lazing about beneath the apple tree, having a good time, enjoying yourself, you know what I say to you? You need to get a job! You might think it's all curds and whey right now, boy, but don't be fooled. Life is hard. It's damn hard, and it's going to get harder so you need to start contributing to society or you'll be out on your arse. Don't give me that crap about your music, or your band, that doesn't count. If you don't get a job, you're worthless, got it? Completely worthless. Society is moving on and you need to shape up or ship out.

Are you even listening to me? Damnit. You're listening to that...hippity-hop music, or that rock & roll, aren't you? You pay attention! Your grandfather didn't slog through snow, mud, and ice to earn bare pennies selling bad habits to nuns just to see you bop along like a nodding dog in an earthquake. He certainly didn't give up smack for you to waste your life away like this! Have you ever seen someone go through withdrawal so bad they eat their own knuckles?

Why Should I Get a Job?

Well, that's what we're dealing with here, you got it? Without a job you're going to end up in a bin somewhere with no trousers, weeping openly, with no knuckles either. Do you want that to happen? Do you want to end up like that? No? Well, you'd better get a job, then! A job provides security, good standing in the community, a source of income, and a sense of responsibility. It may also provide free coffee or ulcers, depending on the job. When you have a job you can walk down the street with your head held high. You can approach strangers and shake their hands with confidence, just because of who you are. You can walk into any bar in town and everyone will turn to stare at you in awe, just because you are a person with a job. You also might be a stripper, but that's ok because that's a job too.

What Kind of Jobs Can I Get?

The glory of work! The joy of knowing your place! The stench of managerial incompetence! GET A JOB!!!

Anything, anywhere. You name it. The best place to start looking is a job office, but you can't work there, because they don't hire unemployed scum like you. That might seem a little hypocritical, but hypocrisy has been enshrined in law here for many years now. Pretty weird, eh? Don't worry about it, though, I'll handle that one for you. What you need to worry about is finding some gainful employment so you don't end up in a shit sandwich with crap sauce all over your face and balls.

I don't get why you're asking this, though, the point isn't what job you get, it's that you have a job. Nothing else matters. It's not like you're doing anything important right now, is it? What were your plans for tonight, play Pokemon and have a wank? Figures. Goddamn jobless. You know you're one step away from communism? That's right, how do you feel about that, eh? Commie.

Where do I Start?

Weren't you listening? Goddamn unemployed bastard, pay attention, will ya? Start at the job office. It's an office. For jobs. Got that? If that doesn't work, you just try again. Try a different job office. Try all of them until they kick you out and bar you from the lot. Think of it like a pub crawl: just rolling around getting thrown out of places. Eventually, something's got to come up. Or you could just wander around asking places. Tell you what, try wandering down the road and asking at every door until you find something. Yeah, I know it's a residential area, but maybe you can find work as a maid, or a butler, or wiping the arses of rich people.

What if I Can't Find Anything?

Well, then you keep looking! Don't give up, ever, even when you're ninety-three and you have no skin. If the options are a) dying upside-down on the floor of an elephant enclosure shovelling shit for a living or b) dying in bed surrounded by loved ones and being unemployed, then you take option A! You always take option A! Your friends, your family, they don't mean shit unless you have a job! Now get on with sending those CVs out as I told you. You keep trying, you understand? You do not come from a family of quitters. I didn't quit drugs, and your mother didn't quit her birth control, so we've no idea how you're here, but now that you're here you'd better get a damn job! Don't make me get the whacking stick...

But I'm Only Eight!

Shut up and get up that chimney!