Yogananda
“Yogananda is a Man of God, and I don't give a flying rat's arse what anybody else says!”
Paramahansa Khulevichaaronvaala Maastarjobahate Peelevastron Kesaath hai Yogananda was a long-haired Man of God who wore loose saffron robes to hide his svelte figure, but was pretty good at taking them off, too. Sister Therese Neumann (a practicing hemophiliac nun who served as a spiritual advisor to Joseph Ratzinger's orthodontist) said he was a Man of God, so that settles it. How many half-naked Fakirs can make that claim? Just one. I have a photo of him nearly naked meditating on the beach at Encinitas, which all by itself proves he has Higher Consciousness™. When did you last meditate — or do anything — in your swimsuit on the sands of Encinitas? Basically heaven on Earth. But you don't do it, I don't do it, but Yogananda does it. I rest my case. You came to Uncyclopedia to giggle and now you get pointed toward enlightenment at no extra charge. Head for San Diego's Encinitas Beach if you don't believe me.
Yogananda's appeal to the masses[edit | edit source]
If Yogananda wore the saffron robes too long, they faded to pale yellow and didn't draw as many followers. They also helped him look holy or really weird, depending on whether you contemplate him (P.Yog. was big into contemplation) through binoculars or hold up a hand lens. His very best American devotee, James Lynn, first saw a billboard picture of Yogananda and thought it was an exotic long-haired woman. James Lynn tried not to get aroused by the arousing image since he was a happily married man driving 70 miles an hour on the freeway. It was no use. Six hours later Lynn was prostrating himself at Yogananda's feet, seeing the Christ Consciousness in the middle of his forehead, and reaching into his wallet to aid the "Master"'s "cause". Yogananda was so grateful that he renamed James "Rajarsi", which sounds sexier. How many times a day does he have to spell "Rajarsi"? If it's more than five, that qualifies as James Rajarsi being sent to a minor version of Hell.
The Open-minded Master falls victim to a dirty joke[edit | edit source]
Yogananda's crusade to lure gringos into God-joy really kicked into gear when he wrote Autobiography of a Yogurt.[1] Reading it allowed American master Lester Levenson to declare Yogananda was fully realized before he was born. Levenson also helped us understand what a "Master" is, saying (with a big grin in Sedona in 1984,[2] "I'm a master. I'm also a baiter. That makes me a master baiter."[3] Yogananda had no need to be accused of practicing self-abuse, because he had three claims to fame.
Yogananda's three claims to fame[edit | edit source]
First, Yogananda and his associated yogis performed physical miracles like healing followers of maladies ranging from from gout to falling off ladders. I naturally believe it even though it's freaking unnatural, and, if you keep reading, you will, too. Second, he could read thoughts and once said to a devotee who had just sneak-eaten two hamburgers in a town miles away, "Next time James, if they only have meat, better not chow down!"[4] Finally, deeply understanding people, he led the more gullible ones (or the elevated vibration ones) to live happier lives. The miracles are documented in detail in Autobiography of a Yogurt, but for some reason the third claim to fame isn't.
Yogananda's many miracles[edit | edit source]
This holy man and his tradition had part in 742 miracles, but Yogananda alone had part in 742 kiss-strip-and-see-if-we-can-get-it-on sessions with his young nubile female devotees, and probably a few of the older ones too. Maybe even a couple ladies outside the flock (who knows). Since women tend to be more spiritual, or more lonely, he attracted ten times as many women as heterosexual men to his Self-Realization Fellowship. Some would-be nuns (called "monkinis" or "renunciettes") were smuggled out of the order at midnight and didn't come back while others figured even the meagrest contact with a God-realized Master was better than nothing at all. Their goal was to "vibrate" together on Yogananda's privately-owned plane, just like if it were me. All big spiritual leaders, including Jimmy Swaggart, smart devotees will tell you, are heir to the flaws of the flesh. This was only one way (out of several) which Yogananda utilized to achieved DEEP understanding of women.