User:Willy on wheels/Miracle Machine

Miracle Machine in the flesh.

Miracle Machine (born at an unknown date and died at an unknown date, all we know is that he was born and that he died more than 26 and a half years after his birth), is an elusive figure in the mythology of many cultures. Commonly confused with "Weird Al" Yankovic despite looking nothing like him, he has managed to haunt the world long after his death.

Early life

Miracle Machine was born in an alleyway near Jerry's Bait Shop (you know the place) to his mother, Miracla Machine, and his father, who probably also had the last name "Machine". His early life was rather mundane, and, while his mother could've afforded to just go to a hospital to give birth, she decided to give birth to him in an alleyway instead. Miracle Machine lived in a rather large house, although he was confined to an area under the stairs. At some point, he brought a box and lived in that. The only time when he was allowed to leave the box was when he had to eat breakfast. The house in question was a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop (you know the place), Miracle Machine's place of birth.

Miracle Machine's breakfast consisted solely of a large bowl of sauerkraut, prepared by his mother every single morning. Said bowl of sauerkraut was driving him to the point of insanity, so, at the age of 7, Miracle Machine made a choice that would permanently change his life: he asked his mother why she was feeding him so much sauerkraut. In response to this question, Miracla Machine was highly offended. She looked at her son for several minutes, slowly moved closer, and then screamed, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!". She then proceeded to tie Miracle Machine to a wall and stick a funnel down his mouth and feed him nothing but sauerkraut until he was 26 and a half years old. Child Protective Services did nothing, of course. As such, Miracle Machine received no education and was pushed to the limits of what humans could endure, something that fascinates scientists to this day.

Escape to Albuquerque

At the age of 26 and a half, Miracla Machine finally untied her son. However, he was still confined to the basement. In life, Miracle Machine wanted nothing but to get out of that basement. His chance came when he was listening to the radio, and heard of a contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules on Leonard Nimoy's butt. The contest was huge. People from all around the world were trying to win the prize, including many people who made overly complicated formulas to guess the true number. Miracle Machine bested all the competition by being off by 3, beating second place by a few hundred molecules. As a reward, he was giving a first-class ticket to Albuquerque.

Miracle Machine brought almost everything he owned on the plane ride, including a leather suitcase, another suitcase containing his clothing, a saxophone, a bowling ball, and a snorkel, his most prized possession. This was Miracle Machine's first plane ride, and he spent most of it reading the safety instructions to ensure he wasn't messing up. Miracle Machine was sat between two large Albanian women who likely didn't shower. Behind him was a small child who kept vomiting, the only movie on the flight was Bio-Dome, and there wasn't any Dr. Pepper or salt and peanuts.

At some point, three of the airplane engines burned out, causing the plane to go into a free-fall. Having spent the whole plane ride reading the safety manual, Miracle Machine knew exactly what to do. Buckle his seatbelt, put his tray table up, and make sure his seat is back in the full upright position. Within a few minutes of the engines burning out, the plane crashed into a hillside and exploded, killing everyone on it except for Miracle Machine, since they failed to follow the basic safety instructions.

Surprisingly, Miracle Machine's belongings were completely undamaged from the explosion, and he picked them up and began crawling to Albuquerque. The safety manual he was reading specifically advised against this, although it's reasonable to assume he never got to that part, as Miracle Machine's copy of the manual was 90% a long love letter to a guy named Craig. With all his belongings, it took Miracle Machine 6 days to reach Albuquerque. A normal human being would've died of dehydration long before they reached Albuquerque, but Miracle Machine was clearly a superhuman.

Stay at the Holiday Inn

Immediately after reaching Albuquerque, Miracle Machine went to the world-famous Holiday Inn. After eating soup out of an ashtray for dinner and spending an hour admiring the fluffiness of the towels, Miracle Machine checked into his room. After entering his room, he turned down the air conditioning, turned on the TV, and prepared to eat a chocolate left on his pillow. He never got to eating the chocolate, as he was soon rudely interrupted.

Confrontation

Less than 2 minutes after checking into his room, Miracle Machine heard a knock on his door. Despite asking who it was many times, there was no answer. This could only mean one thing: the person at the door was an overweight hermaphrodite with messy blonde hair and only one nostril. Alas, Miracle Machine opened the door, only to find exactly this.

Immediately, the one-nostriled man jumped into the room and grabbed Miracle Machine's snorkel, dealing a major blow to his psyche. The snorkel was one of the few things Miracle Machine valued in his life. It had been with him since before the sauerkraut incident. He was determined to get it back.

A brawl soon began. While the exact circumstances of the brawl are unknown, Miracle Machine lost his eyebrows, a few of his internal organs, and had his jugular vein taken out. Despite this, he managed to survive with no injuries. In the middle of the fight, someone knocked a phone off the hook. 20 seconds later, this played the intercept message, immediately ending the brawl and causing everyone in the room to start dancing.

While dancing, the one-nostriled man managed to steal Miracle Machine's snorkel, ran out of the Holiday Inn, and then flew away using an umbrella, keeping the snorkel. Alas, Miracle Machine had not been defeated. He swore that the man must be caught.

Donut shop incident

Miracle Machine experienced random amnesia and forgot what he was doing, but then realized that he should probably check out the famous Albuquerque donut shop. The cashier was some random teenager who had no idea what he was doing, and the donut shop was also out of anything except a box of starving weasels. Naturally, Miracle Machine bought the weasels, opened the box, and immediately suffered severe injuries from weasels biting his face. He ran out into the street while screaming, disrupting traffic in the process.