User:Vaselinepirate2/Vaseline pirates

“Patchy is a Vaseline Pirate”
~ SpongeBob on Vaseline Pirates

“Slick Rick is a Vaseline pirate, big fun, and a spitty lisp are the colourful signature of Vaseline pirates”
~ Steve Irwin on Vaseline Pirates

““Why the fuck have these crathy Vatheline pirateth made an article about Vatheline pirateth?””
~ Vaseline pirates on Vaseline Pirates

Vaseline Pirates in Antiquity[edit | edit source]

Thought to be discovered by early Pastafarians, Vaseline was originally used as a food condiment by Vaseline pirates. They later learned that Vaseline could be used for lots of other things; such as suffocating ticks, and greasing up things on your body for lubrication purposes. This is what made Vaseline pirates so popular. They look for their treasure.

Chasing pirates of your convenience size tube[edit | edit source]

While Vaseline Pirates are primarily the lisping club kid, it is thought that some Vaseline pirates to be the ultimate ufc fighter. These often docile pirates of this white petroleum jelly have limited social interaction and can be lost and found crouching in doorways, lisping, listening to your mother wrapping christmas presents, watching SpongeBoB, vacillating, leaning, and using Vaseline to treat and prevent diaper rash in the baby Vaseline pirates. It is advised that when you do find these calm, serene, shy, swashbuckling pirates in a home or office setting, that you do not tap on their glasses. Although they won't make you walk the plank if you do, they may spit in your face while speaking due to their lisps, and become sassier the more you attempt to wipe Vaseline off. In matters of chasing the slick Vaseline pirates, never apply too much Vaseline, and always assure that Vaseline is, indeed, hypoallergenic.

A typical 2 ounce tube of Vaseline is likely to bring you better luck in matters of the heart. Simply use 1, 2 or 3 fingers, and scoop up a little dab of Vaseline, and apply to whatever you want to by gently but firmly rubbing it in. Over a period of 2 minutes after rubbing, it will begin squeaking, moaning, and causing you to sassily shout the likes "Yes, Yes, YES", and "Harder, HARDER, you bastard" with a lisp – and this is the way you know you have properly moisturized something. Keep rubbing until it stops squeaking, moaning and shouting, and you will have to start all over. You may have to really lay into it as a Vaseline pirate, but Vaseline will do the trick every time.