User:The Urban Spaceman/H.P. Lovecraft
This article is shit at the moment, in my opinion. As some of the guys in the talk page have said, it could be written in the style of his writing (like the awesome J.D. Salinger article). I'm a Lovecraft nerd. I think I could do this, given some time. Just don't expect me to finish this quickly or anything.
Issues I have with the article:
- Not enough Lovecraft.
- Too much nonsense (that's not funny).
- Typos
- List at the bottom is a bit iffy. I like the idea, but it needs some work.
- Needs more racism.
“Come on, let the Negroes join us!”
“Loathsome, ape-like Negroes!”
“Iä! Iä! Cthulhu Ftaghn! I SEE INFINITY!! Iä! Iä! Hastur! Azathoth! Iä! Shub-Nigger-ath!”
Hewlett Packard Lovecraft (born Harry Potter Lovecraft in 1842–d. 1974) seemed to have been, before the ravages of eons of time, a cartoonist from Transylvania, much loved for the blasphemous comic strips he created for the curiously non-Euclidean newspaper The Daily Groin published in London, Mediocre Britain. Much of the details of Lovecrafts' birth, curious twisted education, rise, fall, death, foul renascence, and crucification on a queerly shaped cross of STygIAN dimennsionssnsn...Ia! Hastur Hastur Hastur!cat-huloo fatanng yang kipperbang...have been lost to the ravages of unsteady, unfair time. We have only this curious, yellowed manuscript, found in an abandonded McDonalds, to try to piece together the story of this monstrous cartoonist.
Education[edit | edit source]
When Lovecraft was just six he was being educated at a catholic school. He was kicked out for telling the other kids about Cthulhu and his greatness. He was labeled an "evil little bastard" and was forced to be homeschooled until he got a scholarship for Miskatonic University, based in Pickmantown, Cthulhuchusetts, USA.
Lovecraft endeared himself to the curiously degenerated locals, most of whom shared the same surname, and several of the same heads and limbs.
It was here that he met the man who would become the master of his life, Mr. West, which the scribe writeth as Rhgkj' lrNarg, the TWISTED WEASEL. Yog-Sothoth knows the gate. Yog-Sothoth is the gate. Ia! Shed-Megawrath! The Puce Goat of 1337 Young! Cthulhu fhtagn!
Unfortunately, in 1912 a hideous, unspeakable fraternity prank involving a small horse and a tub of industrial-grade belly button fluff went tragically wrong in unnamable ways, and Lovecraft was obliged to relocate to London at short notice. However, unmistakable signs of his presence remained.
Career[edit | edit source]
Fresh out of Miskatonic University's clown school department, Lovecraft acquired part-time employment as a stripper at Happy Cthulhu Seafood Hut (or, Olive Garden, as it's known in some parts of Lithuania) to pay for face elongation surgery. the "food" at Happy Cthulhu was said to give him the giggles, which in turn inspired many of his darker cartoons. Lovecraft began to enjoy his job and even started experiencing irregular bouts of severe contentedness. to combat the abnormality, his doctor recommended racism.
But to this day, he is best remembered now for his cyclopean comic strip in the Daily Groin, where he created the Cat-huloo mythos, featuring a rascally eldritch feline that managed to get himself into all manner of japes and scrapes.
The Cat-huloo strip ran for over 327 years, printed on alternate Wednesdays, and with a bumper 9 frame strip published on Saint Nyarlathotep's Days.
However, with the success of the comic strip, there also came sadness for Lovecraft:
- In 1918, his house was demolished by a swarm of nameless, unspeakable honey-crazed killer slugs.
- In 1929, he attempted to kill Nietzsche's Ubermensch as a responce to his harsh criticism on Cthulhu. Failing miserably, Lovecraft was hospitalized with nine broken ribs, three knife wounds, and a critically damaged sphincter.
- In 1942, his wife Marjorie was imprisoned on charges of swan molestation in a Royal Park.
- In 1964, Lovecraft was himself arrested for possession of an illegal moustache.
In 1938 he met S.C. Starcraft and W.O. Warcraft. Both soon became his best friends. They spent years writing about each other in various books. In 1942 S.C. Starcraft went to Europe to fight in World War II. He was never heard from again. H.P. Lovecraft lamented on the loss of his friend, and locked himself in a closet for 15 years. During this time, he was able to come up with new ideas for his Comics, but never actually sent any in until he came out.
Also, in that same period (that is, in the closet) he wrote the famed poem:
- Ph'nglui mglw',
- nafh Cthulhu,
- R'lyeh wgah',
- nagl fhtagn.
Translation from the aeon-shadowed R'lyehian tongue to English:
- Cthulhu sits at home
- in R'lyeh masturbating
- to pictures
- of Don Imus.
When the newspaper finally canceled the strip in 1973 in response to the public outcry, started by Abdul AllHadDread, author of the abhorred Necronasalicon, over the notorious "Cat-huloo shot JFK" cartoon, it was the final stroke for the now tragically depressed Lovecraft. His body was found three days later, embalmed in a strange, loathsome peanut-like oil and transformed into a nightmarish blasphemy with huge, savage paws. A faux copy of the Necronimbicron was found nearby. He had smothered himself to death in souvenir royal silver jubilee tea-towels, and used the curious Voorish Sign. An examination of the Necrocrambulon revealed it to be eerily similar to the actual Necreamiconomicolion, but the author of that famed work was never cited.
The H.P. is for...[edit | edit source]
It actually stands for Hewlett-Packard Lovecraft, in opposition to Epson Lovecraft.
Some other theories about the H.P. imply that it stands for:
- Harry Potter Lovecraft
- Highly Powered Lovecraft
- Horrid Plasticity Lovecraft
- HiPie Love & Crafts
- Hole Philler Lovecraft
- Huge Penis Lovecraft
- Hunk Punk Lovecraft
- Ho's and Pimps Lovecrafters
- h4xX0R Phr33K L0v3Kr4ft
- HeMan/Pokémon Lovecraft
- Head Propeller Lovecraft
- Hut Pizza Lovecraft
Ial Shrub-Nihilanth! The Old Ones wait!
- Hot Pocket Lovecraft
- Heat-Packed Luuv.
- Howard Phillips Lovecraft (Really!)
Some "other" theories about the H.P. imply that it stands for:
- Herr Pfiffig Lovecraft (this theory is usually exclusive to Germany)
- Hippo Power Lovecraft
- Hollywood Pimp Lovecraft
- Horse Power Lovecraft
- Horny Postman Lovecraft
- Habemus Papam Lovecraft
- Helmet Polisher Lovecraft
- Humidity Problem Lovecraft
- Hippo Potamus Lovecraft
- Homing Pigeon Lovecraft
- Heiny Poppin' Lovecraft
- Hooked-on Phonics Lovecraft
Some other theories about the H.P. imply that it stands for:
- Hanky Panky Lovecraft
- Hastur Pwned Lovecraft
- Horrible Puke Lovecraft
- Hopping Porcupine Lovecraft
- Hellish Panda Lovecraft
- Hentai-Powered Lovecraft
- Holographic Projection Lovecraft
- Homo Phobic Lovecraft
- H. Phallus Lovecraft