User:Sycamore/Buddhismrewrite
“Free Tibet!”
– Some random Guardian reader
The puny philosophy of Buddhism is yet another eastern doctrine of surrender, predating its French variation by well over two thousand years.[1] Initially founded by a decedent prince to annoy people, it has since become second only to scientology in popularity amongst LA loony bin types.
Well known names such as Richard Gere, Colin Farrell and Paris Hilton taking up the Philosophy. Many report it as being a great way to pick up chicks and also a way to beg outside of their Big Issue, particularly in raising awareness of "Causes" and "Personal Issues".
The philosophy is currently recognized by renowned Terrorist/Spiritual leader the Dalai Lama, although those of the “Slow Vehicle” and the Lamborghini sects dislike him, they acknowledge his general awesomeness and his self publicizing that can only be rivaled by Andy Warhol.
History[edit | edit source]
The first recordings of the movement were in India, sometime in the older century’s.[2] A wise king called King Sudoku ruled the lands at the time; he was informed by an oracular dream that should his son ever see the real world (outside of the palace) he would turn against his aristocratic leanings and become imbibed with an affinity for the plebs.
The King as was customary for rich Indians set his children to the finest education Eton and Oxford could offer, this made The young Gautama stand out amongst his peers as he grew up he became associated not just for being royalty but also having a non Indian "tech" education as was customary for most Indians.
Unfortunately for this "Brit Raj wannebee/social climber King", Siddhartu Gautama went out one night to pick up some hookers; after what can only be called the night of his life, Gautama began to notice things, and he was obliged to often aggravate the condition by visiting the source of the problem ever more frequently. This really put the dampers on his arranged wedding night. To avoid any further embarrassment Gautama fled into the city. Gautama found that none of the forbidden vices would satisfy him, and he came to the decision that he must become enlightened as was the fashion for Indian dropouts at the time.
Beliefs[edit | edit source]
The Buddha spent some time after running away from home in his throes of opium/sex addiction. Reportedly after spending several nights (up to a month according to sketchy reports) the Buddha emerged smelling of vomit and complaining of a "hangover to end all hangovers". Gautama claimed thenceforth to being "enlightened" and began to pursue the great truths he had found whilst passed out under a Bodi tree.
With his new found enlightenment Buddha promptly set about making sure everybody else started on the "path". The new Buddhists spent their time going to brothels and other less than salubrious establishments (chinky opium dens). This appeased Buddha a great deal, as it allowed for the all Laissez-faire attitude of his aristocratic leanings whilst making a puny socialist point he "picked up" from hanging around the doss houses/brothels he had encountered since his departure from aristocracy.
The beliefs that were known outside of peasant villages started to make a real impact with a variety of well known adverts for Noodles and Bajjs. Buddha reportedly found a whole new sphere of wealth so rare in India, as well as the advertisement cash the new monks who followed Buddha found that the whole philosophy could be grafted onto existing cultures.
Teachings[edit | edit source]
The teachings of Buddha can be seen in the Pali Imperial Canon a text heavy edited and approved by he Chinese and Indian authorities for the foreign devils. It can clearly be seen that the Cannon is intended to re-hash many of the older tribal traditions within a more civilized and a submissive sub text. This is seen here in the Canon verse 44, Book 5:
| “ | Verily is not the man wise who forgoes earthly passion to serve a greater master. and what if this master is but a master of a shop should not the wise one serve this master as a dog to the Sheppard? | ” |
Other teachings include the support "non-action" and an eightfold scheme for "Spiritual riches". These are often celebrated in those who work for the sect/s of Buddhism for little or no pay, similarly those who burn themselves over was or generally provide some sort of political statement are also prized as any publicity is good according to Buddhist teachings. Any spread of the doctrine globally is also prized; often one may find a monk peddling drugs or pamphlet down a local shopping mall. This practice has recently been superseded however with Dianetics and "Stress Tests".
These doctrines proved sufficient enough to dupe the impressionable into joining the sect with a variety of teaching and sects gradually forming so as to cater for the previous culture and beliefs. The main practice of practitioners is to "meditate" which consists of sitting cross-legged and thinking about the empyrean whilst attempting to develop to "focus" and also the ability to close out "dirty thoughts". There is also the recommendation of heavy incense use so that other Buddhists will be able to "smell you out".
Media Coverage[edit | edit source]
The incident with the Monkeys and subsequent monastery review[edit | edit source]
In 1999 all sects of Buddhism faced a massive lawsuit from Jack Nicholson over the rape of Monkeys within the Monasteries. The Dalai Lama for the first time spoke for Buddhism as a whole:
| “ | Monkey bumming has never occurred within our monasteries, nor will it, or shall we endorse the practice or approval of the bumming of Monkeys or apes now or within or apart from our Buddhist beliefs. | ” |
This statement provided a solid rebuttal of the issue however, the bumming of other animals and Thai shemales have dogged the doctrine. It has since become the subject of several internal reviews; however the Chinas people’s party has outlawed Buddhism over fears that other religious types could adopt the practice of monkey bumming.
The Dalai Lama vs. Richard Gere[edit | edit source]
Media coverage of the "Faith" has been the prime focus of all the various sects, most notably the Über Global Bureaucrat Fundraiser extraordinaire, the Dalai Lama. He has been the spiritual and political leader of Buddhism. He was toppled by the Chinese in his territory of Tibet and has since been perfecting new skills via Machivellin reading lists. The crisis with China has led to the failed statesman to a career of inciting various problems/disruption in the region. China has decreed him to be a "De-stabilizing force in Tibet".
The current Dalai Lama rose to ascendency after some hag saw in her tea leaves the signs that this social climbing monk was indeed the leader of Tibet. He was installed as supreme overlord in Lhasa, the Tibet Capital. The monk seeing his power overthrown in the 60s moved to Hollywood where he befriended various lost souls wiling to take up the philosophy. Most notable of these is Richard Gere who "took up the philosophy" to revive a flagging career and to reconcile impotence with the "Bigger picture".[3] Other celebrities have also learned to acknowledge the event with high profile shows like I'm an Ascended Master... Get Me Out of Here and "Sumo Buddha vs. Jap fatheads = Cage Fight special".